5/13/00
I am sitting at Kinko's, bane of my existence, paying $12 an hour to use their computer. The events leading to this unfortunate scenario are best described as follows: Drive to school. Note that doors to buliding where computer lab is are locked. Note that no cars are parked anywhere near buildings. Drive to school library. Note large "CLOSED" sign on library doors. Scream obscenities. Drive home. Attempt call to Megan on cell phone. Note that cell phone is unable to pick up signal SINCE YESTERDAY AT 5:00 for no explicable reason. Scream obscenities again. Drive home. Call Megan's cell phone. Note that her cell phone has its usual awful connection. Lose connection. Attempt call three more times to no avail. Give up. Scream obscenities. Log on to AOHell in feeble attempt to look up web research to write stupid fucking paper that is due on Monday and has not yet been started because its creation was entrusted to a social worker. Get kicked off internet by AOHell several times. Create new obscenities, scream them, kick desk. Call Kinko's and wonder how they can get away with this highway robbery. Contemplate waiting until tomorrow. Decide now that you are so pissed off by all of the technological world that you simply must find a computer and pour out your bitchery on your web site or be in a shitty foul mood all night, rendering you an awful girlfriend and assuring a fight. Go to Kinko's and suck up the 12 bucks.
So here I am. And miraculously, I'm starting to feel better. I gave up nicotine and took up cyberspace. God, I'm so weak.
"Something in my heart died last night...one more chip off an already broken heart...I think my heart broke long ago...that's when I needed you, when I needed you most..."
We actually went out last night. F came over (he and Megan are apparently "tight" again) and we started the evening at Missie B's, an over-rated drag bar. NO CHICKS. Well, 2 or 3 besides us, and they were fucking ugly. So we played some darts (I had to teach the fags how to throw without looking like a damn girl) and then went to Tootsies, a local dyke bar for the young and trendy set. Ahhhh...where the girls are... I was really looking forward to going out and doing some drinking and dancing and the like, but the truth was, once I started to get dressed, I began to feel just completely outdated. The whole youthful trendy dyke style doesn't suit me--I mean, I'm not youthful and I've never been trendy, and I look absolutely ridiculous in big baggy jeans and Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts and Vans. (I look a lot like a 12-year-old boy, actually, but that's not the image I really want to convey...) And what do I feel my best in? Total freak slut wear. Like, vintage satin dresses c. 1950 and geeky plaid skirts with clunky black sandals. And my closet is really lacking in those items since I met Megan, because initially I was out to impress (aren't we all guilty of this sin?) and kind of tamed down my wardrobe partially for that reason (and partially because it embarrased the hell out of her). So I ended up in just a pair of denim shorts and a white t-shirt with a short-sleeve plaid button up over it. I looked like a damn slob. And it just got worse once we got to the girl bar, because I suddenly was very reminded of the fact that I am no longer 21 or cute or fashionable. I'm old and a bit on the dork side. Oh, God, have mercy! Things did get a bit lively when a bachelorette party bus full of straight idiot girls showed up. They were all decked out in their best trailer trash duds and fucking slobbering all over each other, and it seemed like they had a running bet on who of them could land a "real dyke." I actually had one hit on me, which didn't really make me feel any better. The high point of the night was when one of them demonstrated her new skills as a new mom by lifting her shirt and squirting breast milk across the bar. I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING. I was mortified, personally. I mean really scarred for life. WHO LET THE STRAIGHT GIRLS IN???
But I did get good and drunk. That was a plus.
"...so I'm going away for a little while to remember how to feel, and if I find the answer, I promise you, I'll come back and get you..."
"Eviscerate your memory..."
I'm really feeling positively shitty today. The slight hangover hasn't helped the fact that my allergies are at full tilt with all the cotton flying around. And Weird Laurie next door has one of the biggest cottonwood trees in the neighborhood in her back yard, and I think the odds of her ever trimming it are slim and none. BITCH. I rescued one of the remaining kittens at her house this morning from certain death, it had got outside and was only inches away from the fence and the teeth of my dogs. I hate that ignorant bitch. She's been gone since early yesterday morning, and her house is wide open, and her damn dogs are barking like idiots at every thing that moves.
I wish my computer worked. I wish I didn't have to write that stupid fucking paper. (I will probably write it tomorrow at my mother's.) I wish I were young and cute and thin again.
I have done nothing today but spend money I don't have. Since I found out from the county collector that my car has depreciated $1500 in the last year, and I owe about $150 less in property taxes than I thought as a result, I have been on a wild spend spree. This morning I went to Home Depot to buy some wood lattice for my fence (a final attempt to keep George in the fucking yard--if he tears this down, I give up and he runs free until being smashed by a truck) and some other necessities (I love hardware stores)--$11. Then got cash for lunch--$10. Then went to Pier 1 and couldn't resist buying SOMETHING (dragonfly shaped glass votives for when I finally get the bedroom redone in the "bugs" motif) $13. Then went to Old Navy (clothing store for trendy straights and non-trendy lesbians) and after trying on bathing suits and realizing I no longer have a waist, got depressed and spent $47 to make up for it. Then began the hellish find a computer spree that will end up costing me about $12.50. FUCK! How do I spend this much damn money? I have to stop this crazy shit. I just can't help it, it's no damn fun to work and work and work and not be able to just go out and buy shit when you want to.
I am really in a downer sort of way tonight. I really am beginning to realize what an awful year 27 has been. And it's done a hell of a number on my appearance, as well. I know, I know, "beauty is only skin deep" and all that happy horseshit, but no one wants to be gross. And I admit it, I'm very vain. I spent the first 17 years of my life being the ugly kid, and when I finally became un-ugly, I really dug it. And I've been digging it, but now age is catching up to me--I can't eat the way I used to without gaining weight, the bags under my eyes are
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