5/15/00
I absolutely hate my computer at home. I think it's time again to reformat the hard drive. Now that I've done it, it shouldn't be the half-day task it was the last time I did it. I didn't help that we are very very BAD at keeping shit where it can easily be found...like software registration numbers, formatting CD ROMs, and the like. We're such idiots.
Speaking of idiots, I am hating my job more than ever today. It's frightening how NOT frightening the concept of quitting is becoming to me. Every time I have quit a job, no matter how shitty it was, or how lucrative the opportunity I was about to embark upon, I have always been scared to death--what if it doesn't work out? What if I want to come back? What if the boogey man comes clawing his way to the earth's surface and snatches me away? What if's are a serious waste of time.
Went to Cess Pool yesterday for the Mother's Day festivities. My sister is still deep in the throes of miscarriage and my brother's mild epilepsy has escalated to grand mal seizures. The other sister is still with the future wife beater and working a second job--at the grocery store where future wife beater also just so happens to work. They camp out in a tent in his backyard because they can't stay in the house because his drunk father and mother are throwing things at each other. My whole damn family is just falling apart. I'm really glad I don't live among them and I only have to hear occasional updates on these wild wacky fun tales...
I just got back from therapy and my mind is going in a million different directions. I've been cut down to every other week instead of once a week. Could this mean I am no longer destined to a life of ill-fitting strait jackets and padded walls? Could it? Oh, joy! Still, it's a frightening concept. My experience to this point has been that I start to feel less like jumping off a tall cliff and then I suddenly drop again...but this is different. I swear, I've covered so much ground and so many years and so much shit I didn't even know about (consciously, I'm not talking repressed memories) and now I feel so much different than I ever have before. I feel like I'm hopped up on speed, to be honest. Like it's suddenly dawned on me that there are ALL SORTS OF POSSIBILITIES and I don't have to "settle" for what life has handed me and wait around for death anymore, which is all very exciting, but now it's like, I have too much energy. There are too many possibilities. And the ages-old question of "what if I choose the wrong thing and totally fuck it all up and then I lose MORE TIME???" Being nuts is certainly a chore.
What I have definitely gained from these FIVE MONTHS of therapy (Jesus God, that seems like a long time, yet very short considering how long I've spent fucked up) is losing the whole "multiple personality" thing--the feeling like two different people and not knowing how I got from there to here. My life seems more a continuum now and not so much a parallel. Does that make any sense? I know now that I am not two people--much as I try, there is only one of me. (People everywhere heave a sigh of relief at that realization daily.) It all seems to make a hell of a lot more sense now.
The only problem is that I've lately felt incredibly over-emotional for the person I used to be...a grief for years lost (or stolen, whichever you prefer), and for the girl who finally found her way but never really recognized that about herself until someone forced her to look in the mirror and said "look harder, it's you."
Holy shit. If I weren't at work right now, I'd be bawling my eyes out. But I'm not wearing waterproof mascara so that's kind of out of the question.
"...The bitch is quick, I've tried to trip her up...she's full of tricks and blends so sticky in my blood...but she can fly and I can only run from everything and after her, I'm wired and tired and full of holes and she plays Pandora with my soul...I'll never let her go...it's so quiet here without her...I don't want to feel myself...Stayed alive, stayed alive so far, it's all right, we know what we are..."
I obviously found a really worn dub of Maria McKee's "Life Is Sweet" yesterday. I've missed her so, she's such a little hottie. I've loved her since I was 13. The tape actually prompted me to get on CD Now and buy a new copy of it.
I'm so tired right now. Mentally exhausted. And sunburned again, damn tanning beds. I set the stupid thing for 15 minutes and then after I got in it decided to just reach out and add a couple of extra minutes; of course I couldn't see the dial so who knows how long I was actually in there...
One of the other Suck-retaries busted her damn arm and now her boss (who I think is a raging jackass) thinks I'm his property. Fucker. So I have to go do some work and then I must, must MUST write my paper. God, I'm such a divine idiot. But I love that about me.
And today I will talk to someone about vet school. Eek. So many changes...so many universes to explore...somebody ground me, please, and quick...
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