5/19/00 (cont'd)
"In the beginning I believed in love and things...I could never really tell you what this did to me, I could never make it better for you, anyway...I don't really need this in my life...why don't we forget about it?...take your soul away, stranger..."
Funny, I was surfing through one of the webrings I recently joined, and there are a disproportionate number of links to little billboard-type pages that say something akin to "hey, I don't have time for this anymore, and anyway, it's juvenile and narcissistic and petty and slightly ridiculous, so I'm no longer a part of the net world. I got a life, you should, too. C-ya, wouldn't want to be ya." And after looking at so many of them, I began to wonder...hmmm...maybe these people have a point. I mean, how crass is it to think that your life is so important, or that you have something so earth-shattering to say, that you have to take up valuable space on the internet that could be used for something so much more productive, like, oh, say, "Billy Jack's Bait 'n' Tackle-Dot-Com" or something. And then I started to feel really stupid for thinking that there was any part of my life history that anyone would find remotely interesting enough to warrant posting it before the whole world.
Then I thought--okay, what was the whole reason I started this in the first place? Not for anyone else's benefit, but for my own, really...then I think lately I have been a bit caught up in the whole "reality v. virtual reality" thing (i.e., my shameless solicitation of internet pals) and falling prey to that deadliest of sins, i.e. mistaking life on line for life. I thought about all of this on my way home for lunch this afternoon, and I began to really wonder what parts of my life and my persona are the truth and what are just bullshit that I've made up along the way? I think it's high time I began weeding out the truth in my life from the crap. I've been living crap for way too many years.
"...let us walk...in search of truth...and some pointy boots...and maybe just a few snack crackers..." (10 bonus points for the person who can e-mail me the title and artist of the song that quote is from!)
Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE my job? The man's voice is like nails down a fucking chalkboard. I want to go to his office and rip out his vocal cords. Damn, I need gum. No, actually, since I'm searching for "truth"--I don't need gum, I need a job that doesn't make me feel like a peasant in a world of lords. I need a job that will allow me to maintain some shred of dignity and self-respect while I earn a paycheck. I need a job that won't rob me of my individuality and will provide me adequate time to pursue my education and my creative energies. HA! This truth business is all right.
And yet more truth--I will NOT give up this page. Because it's mine, dammit, and I like it. And let's face it, I am a narcissistic person. All the world's a stage, and since my stage debut at the tender age of 5, the world has been my own personal Carnegie Hall. I'm an attention slut and I'm proud of it. SO THERE. So I will continue to update this page as I see fit and believe in my little crazy head that millions of faithful devoted fans are reading it daily, e-mailing the url to their friends and colleagues, and wondering how they can get a piece of this sweet mystery that is Angela. Delusional? Yes, yes I am. Thank you for asking. But my world has proven a much kinder, gentler place than the real one! (Well...not always...but right now, it is. Another truth--I do not know what I am talking about from one point to the next!)
The truth shall set you free? I don't know about that...it seems like the truth has the potential to turn me into a stark raving looney...
I shall now attempt to do some work, as I have been avoiding same all damn day. Because I HATE MY JOB. Anyone out there want to pay me for my wit and charm and honest good looks? I'm real good at sitting in a corner and looking pretty. "Oh, that's my new lesbian, Angela. I got her for a steal. Isn't she cute?"
Enough already. Time to face the truth of my current employment.
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