5/22/00 (cont'd)
But of course I could never tell Megan any of this. I tried to tell her about a year ago that I still found myself sometimes attracted to men and she totally wigged. Since when does "attraction" equal "wanderlust?" I'll never understand the human heart. And the human mind? Don't even get me started.
Why this restlessness? Am I trying to pull that whole "clean slate" bullshit like I've done in the past, or am I trying to somehow regain something that I feel like I've lost? Oh, that we could recapture our lost youth. Or could it be that I am just not happy with the path I've taken in life? Maybe I don't want to be in this relationship right now. (Egads, I can't believe I actually said it.) But it would be a hell of a lot easier to amend the situation if I didn't really love Megan. And I do. I don't like her at times, but I always love her.
That's the tricky part.
I have returned from therapy and been given the (oh-too-obvious, why-didn't I-think-of-that) answers to my neuroses. Basically it's all the same shit. I get the oddball crushes because I grew up in a chaotic and unpredictable household and so now, when life gets less chaotic and more predictable, I freak--and end up fucking myself just to get a little action in. I typically get the crushes on males because, since I don't connect with them on a mental level, it seems less "sinful" and even more in my control than, say, if I were banging a chick. Plus since the whole Asshole ordeal I've had this whole unfinished business with men in general and I just want proof that at least ONE man out there isn't a raging sadist, and would be capable of worshipping and adoring and loving me unconditionally, regardless of what I felt for him, and none of the jackoffs I dated before were quite the answer (or remotely close, for that matter) so the search continues...or some bullshit like that. Mental processes are fucking spooky, man. It's amazing how much shit you do because of something fucked up that happened to you, like, eons ago that you don't even really think you are affected by.
So I'm supposed to figure out a way to fill Megan in on what I need from her and from our relationship and I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do about the crushes. I think I'm going to just keep them. Thus far, they've proven harmless. That's the problem with living a chaotic and unpredictable life--it's hard to give up, because while most of the time it spells disaster, sometimes you manage to pull off a good one. Megan was the result of my chaotic and unpredictable life. I've made many friends because of chaos and unpredictability. I moved to Omaha and got a life. I left my husband. I went back to school. So it's not always certain death, and that's what makes it difficult to accept a life of stability, in part (I think). If you stop gambling, your chances of winning...dwindle. And hey, the crushes make for some pretty awesome dreams... For example, last night I dreamed I moved to New York (The Firm opened an office there) and I went even though I was still looking for another job. And I was alone. I had a few friends in my filthy apartment building and I had no idea how to get around the city but IT WAS SO COOL. I felt totally...free. And that's a feeling I don't know that I've ever fully experienced.
But is freedom what I want? It seems like I've spent my life working toward the exact opposite.
I am a walking contradiction.
"I got a new tiara, daddy...Take me down to the Mardi Gras...Buy me cotton candy, dress me up in flowers...let me be your 'baby doll'...we can ditch that social worker..."
I am purely wrong. Even moreso in that lately, my crushes aren't limited to men. Gads.
So I wondered aloud today, I've tried to communicate with Megan that I need more than I'm getting here, to no avail. So I ask--is it that I need too much, or that she can't give me anything because we have nothing? Is it time to try another tactic, or give up altogether?
I'm not ready to make that kind of decision.
"I can feel phantoms blowing through my brain and I feel like I need someone to make 'em go away...I remember better days..."
Where is this going to end? I feel like my whole freakin' life has been one big double "90210" special.
But that's another good thing about chaos and unpredictability...it's rarely dull.
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