5/23/00 (cont'd)
"God help me, am I the only one who's ever felt this way?"
I am horribly sad right now because I think I can see the future and it isn't pretty. I think Megan and I are eventually going to split up. It seems pretty much inevitable. I'm too crazy to maintain any kind of stable relationship for too damn long (and this has been FOUR YEARS) and besides, I'm really starting to wonder if maybe the only thing that ever held us together was the fact that we were both so fucking crazy and neurotic and it was more comforting for us to be together than to be alone. Even worse, I think that we will split and, in the interest of money and the fact that we often have a really good time together when we're not being together (does that make sense to anyone but me?), we will continue living together and try to remain friends. And that will be really fucking hard. Really, really fucking hard.
Maybe I'm just being fatalistic. She's in a much better mood today and feeling pretty generous. I have somehow fucked up my budget and, when the house payment comes out of my account at midnight tonight, I will be $188 overdrawn. And that's not counting the $87 I owe the county for my property tax on my car, which license plates are due on in June. FUCK! How the fuck did this fucking happen? I try to be so careful with my money...I don't know how I got so fucked up. But Megan offered to spot me $200 until I get paid on the 31st, and she didn't have a fit about it or bitch at me or anything--which is unusual, as she usually never passes up an opportunity to bitch at me for not having any money (as this is the opposite scenario we have become accustomed to). So maybe I'm just being a pessimist.
But she did just tell me that tonight she's going to go meet this dyke she works with (duh, she's a social worker, they're ALL queer) and walk dogs. Yeah, AS IF I have a right to even say anything, considering I've been contemplating infidelity for a very long time... But it still hits me, because I'm just really starting to think that we're kicking a dead mule.
But I suppose I could be wrong. I talked to C today about working with him part-time (temporarily) at his friend's video store because I am in such dire need of cashola--plus it will prevent me from getting into trouble. I have way too much fucking time on my hands, apparently.
Holy shit, I think Boss Man is drunk. He's come back from lunch before a bit tipsy, but this time I think he's seriously falling-down drunk. Jesus. That's interesting. Perhaps now would be an excellent time to go hit him up for a loan...
Fucking hell...all hell has just broken loose in lawyer land and I'm right in the goddamn middle of it. Pity me...
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