5/25/00
"No more takin' recreation with your dark defeated friends, they who seek the consolation of the bottle never win..."
I went to the bar last night, and L wasn't there. Major bummer. Especially considering all the fucking trouble I had actually just GETTING to the bar. First I had to get gas and a pack of smokes because I can't tolerate drinking without a cigarette, and the only gas station between my office and the bar is...SCARY DOWNTOWN TOTAL. EEEEEKK! Oh, my God, this is the creepiest fucking gas joint I have ever been to. It's not quite as filthy as the sticky Conoco in midtown (you can't even touch the doors in that place), but it's full of freak show stars. And these people don't just stand next to or behind you, they stand IN you. One dude was so close I could actually smell the pot he had apparently smoked recently. Gross! So I got my gas and smokes and left to find the bar...I say "find" because it's on a one-way street and I always, ALWAYS get lost trying to get there. I ended up turning down a one-way street only to discover it's actually TWO-way and nearly got nailed by a slew on oncoming cars. And I was still sober. So I finally find the bar (which is RIGHT next door to L's office) and park in full view of God and everybody...I was wearing an Ally McSkirt and MULES...only straight girls who have taken walking and modeling classes should be allowed to wear MULES. Halfway across the street one of my MULES decided to go back to the car and I damn near fell on my face in the middle of the road. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I only had 1 1/2 beers (Dos Equis, yum yum yum) and some wings, and I didn't get hit on by any alcoholic judges or ex-cons, but I did get hit on by some copy dude who began the conversation by soliciting The Firm's business and ended by soliciting me. Uh, no thanks, pal. His name was Carlos and when he asked to buy me a drink, I said "sure, but I ain't going home with you." He bought me one anyway. I believe in forthrightness with strangers. You should only lie to people you're close to (because they usually have more dirt on you and can make your life more painful).
So I sit in the bar and realize, holy shit, I treat life like it's the showcase showdown (Price Is Right fans, anyone?) and I'm the prize. I'm so damn contradictory. And it's like, every time I get into a relationship (my whole life) I start thinking about all the things out there that would be so great and possible if only I wasn't tied to the ball'n'chain, right? So I sabotage the relationship and then it turns out that all the great things are...non-existant. Hmmm. It's like I live in the damn desert and every hotsy babe I envision having a torrid romance with is a mirage.
But then I seriously do wonder if there are people out there who truly aren't the "forever" type. And perhaps I am one of them. Or maybe that's a ridiculous notion and I'm just nuts and have a problem with stability and committment (and everything else non-chaotic and unpredictable).
So anyway, I get home from the bar around 7:30, and Megan's still not home. So around 8:00, I call her and she's on her way. And I asked her why (because I had been wondering) why I hadn't been invited to dinner, and she said because she thought it was just "Megan and Mommy" time but that her mom had invited her dad at the last minute and had asked her "where's Angie?" when she got to the restaurant. So the slight was Megan's. But anyway, I was feeling highly unloved last night and Megan asked me in her most condescending way, "is somebody feeling high-maintenance tonight?" Damn right I am, and I have every right to be high-maintenance if I see fit to be so. And it didn't work, anyway, because she spent the remainder of the evening working out and then falling asleep on the couch around 10:00.
Jesus Christ--is passion totally dead in this relationship? Me thinks so...
I shall have to ponder over this one later. I need to actually do some work today (since not working is becoming quite a pattern) plus I have to fax my resume to three places...wicked bad, am I...
By the way, if anyone wants to e-mail me with any suggestions or comments or dyke jokes or whatever, please do so. My friend C is e-mail-less for the next week and I will thus be going through e-mail withdrawal...
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