5/26/00 (cont'd)
"I ache myself for more...until I'm shadows of myself...until I'm nothing..."
What do I do with myself now that my entire world has come to a screeching halt? I want someone to blame. This morning (even now), I wanted so bad to be mad at her...to scream filthy names at her and throw things...but I'm not. How could I be? I want to hate her for not throwing herself at my feet and begging me to work things out with her, but I don't. I've been checking my e-mail like an addict all morning, and she has sent nothing. No phone calls. She is living her life and she is attempting to do so without me, and it's ripping me to shreds.
I want to throw myself at her feet and tell her that I was all wrong, that I don't need to "make up for lost time" because I never really lost anything, and that all I've been working for my whole life is a love like we have known. I want to beg her to forgive me for all the shitty moods, the controlling behavior, the wandering eye, the bitchy remarks, all of it. I want to tell her that I don't think I can live my own life without her because she has become such an enormous part of my life... But I don't, because this time, it's not all about me. It's about her, too. And if this is what she needs, I will give it to her. And if she thinks this is what I need, then she's probably right.
But I sit here and there are pictures of her and the card she gave me for my last birthday and the toys and shit that she's given me here and there...the fish figurine from the water globe she stole from Worlds of Fun all those years ago...the wrapper from the Wonka Bar she bought me and the Magic 8-Ball when I was having that really, really bad day at work... She's everywhere. And I should have seen it. Because if I had, then maybe I could have kept us from getting here.
Or could I? Is this just what naturally happens to people who forge a bond out of tragedy and try to call it a healthy relationship?
It isn't fair. We should have got a do-over. Under different (more normal) circumstances, the last 4 years may have been quite different and we may not have found ourselves here.
I feel like an enormous part of me has been ripped from its root and thrown to the fire...without my permission or control.
It's almost time for lunch...gee, I've already this morning had a bag of chips, 2 Ding-Dongs, a Pepsi and 2 cigarettes, what could be left for lunch? I don't even want to go home because here is bad enough...that house isn't MY home, it's OURS and there's not one speck of dust there that doesn't serve as a blatant reminder of that fact.
I want to go far, far away. Which reminds me, I'm supposed to be looking for a hotel in New Orleans because even though her parents have backed out and we're now "just friends," we're still planning our vacation together. Jesus Christ. Maybe now we can act like straight girls on holiday together and reconvene late at night in our hotel room to talk and giggle about all the cute boys and/or girls that bought us drinks the night before.
I think I'm going to puke.
And the question remains...how much can you let go without letting go completely?
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