06/06/00
"...so you're still lonely...you say that it's been forever...maybe you never knew me, maybe you thought that I'd never change...you're wrong...and it's been like dying...no love's that hard to find, and I'm tired of trying..."
I am beginning to slip into some dangerous patterns, I believe. Obviously, my financial situation is dwindling and I can't control myself. The more broke I am the more I want to spend. Last night I went to Sutherland's and dropped $30 on some potting mix and a really big pot in which to either transplant some of my over-crowded tomato plants or plant my pepper plants. Then I had to withdraw another $10 for a pack of cigarettes and dinner at Wendy's.
Yes, I'm still smoking. Just not a hell of a lot. I can make a pack last almost a whole week now. Not bad for the pack-a-day-or-more girl who was once given the oh-so-lovely pet name "Dragon Lady" by a co-worker (she was cute, so I let her live).
And I spent an unusual amount of time with my dogs yesterday afternoon. Partly because I wanted to tire them out so they wouldn't bug me the rest of the night; partly because I wasn't alone. It seemed that we both lingered at the field for an excessively long time. It was finally me who made the move homeward. I really hope he's just happy for the friendly conversation and company and that I'm not starting a fire I can't put out.
Megan finally returned to the house around midnight. I had just gone to bed about a half hour earlier, and I was very glad that she was home...until I realized that she had brought three 14-year-old boys along with her. Whatthefuck? Apparently her dad was to pick up the little fuckers at our place, something she had certainly neglected to tell me because I DEFINITELY would have objected. And the polite thing to do, at any rate, would have been to say, "hey guys, keep it down, okay, Angie's asleep," but once she discovered that I was less than thrilled to have the 311 dregs in my living room in the wee hours of the morning, she copped her usual "what's your problem?" attitude and made every bit as much noise as they did. Not to mention that my dogs tend to freak out when strange males appear in the house in the middle of the night, so they just barked the whole damn time. She ended up saying "you're mad, so I'm just going to sleep in the other room." Which she did.
Oooooh...hurt me.
It isn't even the fact that I was rudely awakened by the funky bunch at that hour. It's more the fact that I have spent the last 4 years of my life with one of the most inconsiderate, inattentive people in the world.
And this isn't a recent occurrence, either. When we first got together, remember, she was "ending" a bad relationship. So she said. For the first month and a half of our relationship, she was either still living with this girl (she only moved back in with her parents after I told her to get out of that house or I was leaving) or in some other way "with" her. The chick would call MY apartment and ask ME to speak to her. Talk about balls. Anyway, Megan would talk to her. And soothe her. And console her. And say "let's talk about this later." They would talk for between 15 minutes to an hour. And this after she had spent the night with me. Again, I ask...whatthefuck? I vividly remember driving her back to that shared house around 3:00 one morning after we had spent the night together...we pulled up and the bitch was packing up her car and preparing to move out. My heart leapt with joy. Megan leapt from the car. She told me "wait right here" and then spent the next hour begging the bitch not to leave. I sat there in my car repeating one of my favorite Stevie Nicks lines...
"I don't really need this in my life..." (even better is that, in the song, it's more spoken than sung so it really stands out...particularly when it applies to your personal situation...)
But I stayed, and when she came back to the car and apologized to me, I just stared at her and said "what the fuck was that?" I recall that on three separate occasions, just after we hooked up, she tried to give me the slip--"I still love her, I could never leave her..."
Perhaps I should have taken her up on it and saved myself a great deal of pain.
Whenever she has needed me, I have been there for her in spades. When I have needed her...not so much. She couldn't deal with my mental problems because "I have to deal with that every day at work and I'd already been through my own stuff, I didn't want to go through yours, too." When I get sick, it's like, an inconvenience to her. She passed up (and made me pass up) a chance to see a free piano concert (that I heard was excellent) so that she could spend the day with the family she sees every weekend. I'm the only person she can tell "no." She cares more about telling me how much she hates my dogs/cats/taste/whatever than she cares about how telling me such will make me feel. Ouch.
I don't really need this in my life. Of course, the next line in the song is "why don't we forget about it?" And maybe we should. I can't believe I've spent this much time agonizing over all of this. Maybe because I keep waiting for it to happen, for her to realize, "hey, I love her, and I'm really being kind of a bitch, maybe I should ACT like I really love her..."
"Think of how great this will be once YOU change."
I don't think it's going to happen. She acts just like her mother, who chews up and spits out everybody, using people to fulfill her own personal needs and then dropping them when it becomes less than convenient for her to care.
So what am I supposed to do? Should I tell her all this? Should I write all of this down for her and let her read it when I'm not in the room so she can actually digest and absorb it instead of rebutting all of my points? (She even argues like a social worker...I give a factual statement ["you don't validate my feelings"] and she responds with something from the heart ["your dog is ugly."].)
I bought pineapple yogurt for breakfast. It's kind of gross. Way sweeter than any pineapple would dare to be.
I am very glad that I am taking tomorrow (after my 8:30 interview) off work. I sooooo need a day to just think...put things into perspective...try to answer some of the questions that just keep lodging themselves uncomfortably in my brain.
Like, should I tough it out and hope for the best...or abandon ship before it sinks?
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