06/09/00 (cont'd)
"And now here's something we hope you'll REALLY like..." (Rocky the Squirrel--remember?)
"...why don't you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see...do you like it?"
Phantoms chasin' around my brain...time to be blunt. So here are a few blunt responses to phantoms who are chasin' round my brain something fierce today...and yesterday...and every day in between...
1. You pretentious, uppity, over-privileged little bitch. You know, I used to know a guy exactly like you. He found himself so completely over-qualified for the rest of us. He was smarter. And a better writer. And he actually "knew" what was going on as opposed to the rest of the masses who just weren't "with it" enough for him to be bothered with. You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Remember what I said about your officious little attitude? You're no better than they are. The rich white folk, the boyz in da hood, the Poor White Trash...and you know why? Because you've made yourself ONE OF THEM. You've pigeonholed yourself into this little elitist spot on the map that you call the center of the universe...you're wrong, honey...it's only the center of YOUR universe, and you'll soon discover that there are more of THEM out there than there are of YOU, so you'd better wake up and smell the freakin' Starbucks. Because eventually, you won't have your books and your professors and your safe, secure little academic Utopia to surround you and make you feel "safe" and "superior." You'll be the minority then. And that will be a pretty damned hard blow for you, I'm sure. Pull your head out of your ass and take a good look around you, darlin'. This sure as hell ain't Kansas anymore.
2. I noticed today that you don't tell me you love me anymore. You tell me when I ask. "Of course I love you." Then you move on to the next subject. And truthfully, part of me no longer really cares. Because part of me is only in this for the free ride, anyway--making good on my investment, so to speak. Part of me could give a fuck less if you don't love me, because that makes me feel less guilt when I finally find the opportunity to fuck someone else. On the other hand, it does affect me, more than you will ever know, because I will never tell you. I will never, never let you see how much it hurts to know that I can love someone the way I do and not be loved in return. I will wear my very best poker face and you can just guess.
3. I actually snarled at a man today. One of the partners in The Firm. I hate this man. He waddles around here like he's got a gavel shoved so far up his ass he sees stars. And he wears some wonderful aftershave that smells deliciously like soap, I swear I've never smelled anything like it, and he bathes in it so it wafts after him and once he's gone you can still smell him, and it disgusts me that such a wonderful scent could have its roots in such a foul little man. He always talks to me like it's a complete inconvenience to have to speak to me at all. Actually, he doesn't so much talk to me as he inquires of me--"do you know where so-and-so is?" "well, what time will he be back?" As if I am a fucking bulletin board placed here for him to stick full of pushpins and then forget to look at when the moment is crucial.
4. You can just kiss my ass. I don't think what I want and what you think I want are necessarily the same thing. You don't even know anything about me, now that I think of it. At least, not nearly as much as you think. What were you told, anyway? How much of it was true, do you think? Do you think about me at all these days? Or was I deluding myself to think that I would even make that much of an impression to tear you away from your fucking television? I want nothing, you see. I want absolutely nothing. I don't want to feel for you any more than I want you to feel for me. No feelings. What we can have in common has nothing to do at all with conscious thought.
5. I really wish you were here. I feel like there's this weird cosmic "thing" drawing us to each other and yet I can't for the life of me explain it and I don't dare even try for fear of sounding like a complete psychopath. And then I think that "this is your strange head again" and I blow it off entirely...and then you take me by surprize once again...where did you come from? Why are you here? How can I connect without losing the energy? I want you here but I want to maintain the distance. As someone once wrote about me, years ago, "I don't want your halo to tilt or your barbed tail to wilt." (I ended up meeting them eventually and they weren't disappointed...much...) But to draw you nearer to me would mean to give up the image that I have of you...and what if the two aren't the same? What if it's safer to view you from this light?
Now comes the fun of trying to guess who 1-5 are addressed to. HA! Good luck...well, okay, #2 is pretty obvious...but the rest are a total mystery and I shall never tell...
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