06/14/00

"...she had trusted many but been unfamiliar with almost everyone..."

"...like Alice through the looking glass, she used to know who she was...call out my name, but I get no answer..."

Things are getting sticky, and I think I'm the one who's going to get stuck.  Someone is, that much I can be certain of.

Monday, I met Z at our usual place at the usual time with the usual dogs...his first words to me were "so what were you doing walking around my neighborhood last night?"  Apparently he noticed us both on our way past and on our way back.  I'm thinking, what the fuck do you do, buddy, sit on your ass and smoke dope while you stare out the window all night long?  Anyway, I wish I had thought to say "I'm stalking your sorry ass" just to see how he would respond.  But I didn't.  So we did our usual chatting, and walking, and he asked me about the job search, and other miscellaneous bullshit, and then we headed back to the street.  I told him I'd be sure to stay out of his neighborhood from now on and he said, "that's okay, why don't you actually come to the house next time...stay a while..."  Whatever.  Why do I take the most innocent remarks and use them as seeds to plant in my head and create a vast landscape of weeds, weeds, weeds?

Yesterday, I went to walk the kids and he showed up at the usual time, but obviously very upset about his mother.  He was gathering another bouquet to take to her at the hospital.  I really wanted to walk with him but I didn't.  I get so tired of trying to be consoling and comforting when I'm just so NOT.  Honestly, I really want to be the kind of person that can always be a ray of sunshine on your otherwise gloomy life, but I just don't know how.  And I'm not really sure whether he wanted company, anyway.  So I went the other way.  At the start of the trail I ran into J and stopped to chat with him for a while.  Zak met up with us not long after and told J about his mom.  J asked "when are they going to release her?"  He's such a fucking idiot.  Anyone with any kind of medical background knows that pancreatic cancer with liver mets is like, a death sentence.  She's not going anywhere.  And J should know that.

And now Z has left for his dad's cabin in Osceola.  He said he's going to be gone for two weeks or so. 

Why does that upset me so much?  I feel like my best friend has gone away to summer camp or something.

Speaking of...Megan and I have a very large, very cold, very impassable wedge between us.  It's like, so obvious.  And I hate it but I can't stop it.  Once again, she's done the same thing.  Last Sunday, she told me "I'm going to call about some therapists (for us) tomorrow."  That has yet to happen, and it's Wednesday.  She hasn't even brought it up.  I called her earlier and after the usual obligatory chit-chat, she said, "well, I'll let you go, I don't want to keep you, I was just calling to say hi."  I said, "uh, I called you.  Remember?"  Then there was the awkward moment when you realize neither of you has paid a shit bit of attention to the conversation because in it, like in the relationship, you're just going through the motions.

It's over.  And I don't think either one of us can deny it, but at the same time, I don't think either of us is ready to admit it. 

This just sucks.

So tonight, since I don't have to walk the dogs (because this guy I have some twisted interest in [as what?  a love interest?  a sex interest?  a friend interest?  none of the above, just something akin to a scientist's interest in a weird bug?] is gone) and because my girlfriend and I can't bridge the gap that's fallen between our lives, I'm going to be working late on some stupid fucking brief I don't care about.  Then I think Boss Lady and I are going to hit the bar.  I need a gin and tonic super bad.

Gotta split for now...I can't update from home, either...VirginConnect.com is nothing more than a browser.  Shit the bed.

I'm taking applications for people interested in starting a commune of freaks in central Montana.  One of these days, I'll make it out there after all.  The sad thing is, #1 on my list of freaks who would be most likely to join me is...Zak.

I cannot fucking win.