06/16/00
"...tell me that I'm crazy...it's nothing that i didn't know..."
I have turned the Brief From Hell over to Word Processing so that they can do the table of contents and table of authorities, because they have this festive little system that if I tried to use it, I would just fuck it up beyond all recognition. The other Boss from Hell that provides me with most of my workload has a "meeting with Mr. Green" (golf for the corporate impaired--isn't that just so fuckin' cute you could hurl?) so I have some time to write for a change.
I was reading anenigma's weiner-dog-from-hell entry today, and yes, it was fucking hysterically funny--but I believe her 100%. Weiner dogs may look harmless, but the rule of thumb is, smaller the dog, bigger the appetite (for flesh), with a few obvious exceptions, such as the terrier group (of which the famous Pit Bull belongs) because all terriers are assholes. Anyway, I believe that the weiner dog probably did damn near eat her arm for breakfast. And I also think that a weiner dog was probably not the best choice of pet for a small child. (I could start soapboxing here about "investigate before you adopt a dog, learn about breed types, spay/neuter your pet," etc. etc. ad nauseum...but I won't.) But I still couldn't help but start hyperventilating when I read that she actually called animal control to come fetch the dog. I damn near went on a mission to find her and attempt to find the dog so that I could hook it up with one of the several rescue groups I have friends in. Then I realized that this was probably something that happened a while back, the weiner was most likely given the lethal injection, and that my rescue attempt would be for naught.
Yes, I have a problem. Is it any surprize that my nom de plume is "nomorepets?" It's not a statement of my hatred for animals, rather, it's more a reminder to myself that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES am I to take in any more strays. I hate the ones I have now. But I just can't bear their little brown eyes looking up at me like that claymation chicken in the C:I:2 trailer when she says, "I don't want to be a pie." It just breaks my heart.
How is it that I have such a soft spot in my core for animals, yet I hate children? Maybe it's because the government doesn't take money from my paychecks to support dogs and cats that are going to grow up to rob me blind or rape and kill me. Maybe it's because, when the state does get involved with wayward dogs and cats, they take measures (at the prospective owner's expense) to insure that said dogs and cats will not reproduce. Maybe it's because most of the dogs and cats I know are far more intelligent and likeable than most of the people I know.
Could be all of the above.
I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that I just HATE the way people in this country fawn and gush and spew all over their (and everyone else's) children like they were the fucking second coming of Christ. There was an ad campaign here that finally went away a few months back (praise the Lord) touting the phrase, "Is it good for the children?" The gist was that, before you wipe your ass or do absolutely anything, you're supposed to ask yourself that question. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. That makes about as much sense to me as protecting our nation's pets with thumbs from the queer menace. (Yeah, I know all of my fag friends are just dying to hook up with a home schooled 12-year-old from rural Nebraska...) But think about it--in this country, we just love to exploit and deny and do all sorts of horrible things to the little bastards. Not just within the whole DFS system, but in general. We teach kids to hate each other before they're even old enough to read. We hype high-school shootouts to the point that they become easily-recognized ways to achieve 15 minutes of fame. We pay more attention to the dangers of smoking cigarettes than all the other lovely ways to kill oneself as a child--I can score acid more easily than a pack of smokes, and I'm pushing 30, people (I guess I look young, or they just can't see the bags under my eyes or the way my knuckles drag the ground when I walk). We tell the kids that "God Hates Fags" and that they should be having good ol' missionary position sex with boys or girls (whichever they're not) and for Chrissake, get on the pill so you don't get knocked up, but we fail to mention that the pill won't keep them from getting herpes or gonorrhea or AIDS or anything else. I personally think I'm doing the world a damn favor by admitting that I DON'T LIKE KIDS and proving it by NOT HAVING ANY.
God, that was long-winded. But I feel better now.
I was told by the employment agency that I should hear something by this afternoon. I really kind of hope they give me the job there, working for them. I mean, the transcription job is super close to my house, hours are flexible, office is nice, people all seem nice, and it's got that anti-social factor going for it, but I just think the recruiting job would be such a much better change of pace for me. Less cookie-cutter. Either way, I don't give a damn, I want to give my notice today and if I get a job, I'm outta here.
Megan's being "clingy" again. I'm trying to maintain my distance. I suppose I could just go through the motions and just continue to live my own life and see other people (if the opportunity arises) but that would be shitty, and even I'M not that shitty. I suppose too that I could go through the motions until I garner enough cohoneys to tell her that I love her and I still like her but I just don't want to be married anymore...ohmigod...I can't believe I just said that.
Whoa...an epiphany on the web. And here you are to witness it. Rock on, you. Rock on, me, for that matter.
I don't want to be married. I don't want to be planning my future around someone else. I've been doing it all my life.
And the clouds parted, and the birds sang...
Now, how do I convey this to her and have her be as happy about it as I am? Because she doesn't strike me as the type who would go for it. And I can't say I would expect her to. I think to tell her that I no longer want to have my life tethered to someone else's would certainly take our relationship to a screeching halt.
But I want us to remain friends.
I think I was right...I AM dreaming in that regard.
If anyone else out there in cyberland has been through similar experiences, please let me know. I need all the help I can get on this one.
Next Entry