06/20/00
I've been listening to a lot of my old Sonic Youth stuff lately. The funny thing I've noticed about the people who follow Sonic Youth is that none of them are really very "youth"ful. That goes for the band, as well. What is Kim Gordon now, 87? 88?
"...dreaming of a girl like me...'what are you waiting for?'...you aren't never going anywhere...I ain't never going anywhere..."
This whole re-entry of this band into my musical sphere happened when I found my dub of "Goo" while cleaning out "my" room last week. Last night I found "Washing Machine," which came out at the time my ex-husband and I were splitting up and I was having the affair with the fat, unhygienic, over-educated bartender guy. I listened to "Diamond Sea" and almost cried, because it felt like I had travelled back in time and was in that same cold, lonely place once again.
But I'm not.
Megan's not getting the message. She asked me last night if I was still excited about going to Florida. I said, yes, of course, why wouldn't I be? She said she knew it would be better for me "if you were going with someone you love." I told her I still love her. She said, "yeah, but you're not 'in love with' me." What could I say? I sat there at my desk and looked up at her, standing before me, eyes tearing up. I held out my hand but she wouldn't take it.
Why is it so easy to wish someone away, but when you find out they wish the same on you, the end result is heartbreak? She was fine with the idea of leaving me. Just not the idea of me leaving her.
And vice versa.
I tried to explain to her that she wasn't any happier with us than I am, and that this may not be the end forever after, and that I just have to have some time to think. I don't think it made any difference. I may as well have been talking to the dog.
"...look into his eyes and you can see why all the little kids are dressed in dreams...I wonder how he's going to make it back when he sees that you know it's make-believe..."
She wanted me to sleep with her last night, so I did. (Just to clarify, when I say "sleep with," that's exactly what I mean. No hanky-panky for us.) I have to stop, though. It's just too wierd. Actually it's not so much, because we somehow manage to make it through the night without ever touching.
It's sad.
I woke up this morning and it was absolutely pouring. I really wanted to stay in bed, but I figured since I just gave my notice yesterday, that would be kind of obvious.
And Zak is definitely back. I walked the dogs in a light sprinkling rain yesterday and was totally getting off on the smell...there's no perfume that even matches wet trees and grass. It was so strong that it actually overpowered the usual sewage stench that typically looms over that place like death (especially now that the honeysuckle is no longer blooming). I was halfway through a cigarette and there he was, at the top of the hill, wearing a hat and the usual sunglasses and clutching a rain jacket around himself like he was made of spun sugar or something. I yelled up to him "shit doesn't melt that fast, pal," but he didn't hear me. When he figured out that I could see him walking toward me, he yelled out his usual greeting to me--"what cha got for me today?" I told him "you don't even want to know what I've got for you." (Probably a very true statement, but whatever.) He smiled really big and said "show me." And then the wierdest thing happened. I totally balked, just like an 8-year-old girl confronted on the school playground by her wildest crush. I looked at my feet and said "oh, no, uh-uh," and he must have known that he had me because he continued. "Come on, you show me yours, I'll show you mine." Had he known how close I was to actually taking him up on that offer, he may have kept his damn mouth shut. But I laughed it off and told him I hadn't played that game in, oh, about...six months or so...
His mother is actually doing "well" (that is, as well as she can be) and he acted like he had never planned to be gone more than a few days. Before he left he was all about being away for at least a couple of weeks. Drugs kill. He told me about some heavy-metal drugfest get-together at his brother's he went to over the weekend. I told him I quit my job. We talked about dogs and other shit that doesn't matter. It started to rain harder. I stopped under a tree and lit another cigarette. He told me I smoke too much and I rebutted (because I'm actually smoking less than I was before I "quit"). We stood under the tree and just kind of watched it rain.
It really sucks that rain makes me horny. Standing under that tree, watching it pour, I would have nailed him in a heartbeat.
But I kept my distance.
I'm feeling horribly melancholy today. If it rains tomorrow, I'm definitely staying in bed. I'm just glad that tonight is Megan's school night so I'll have some time to myself. I need to write. I need to cook. I need to do something. Maybe I'll actually show up at Zak's house and just continue to annoy the fuck out of him. Or maybe I'll invite him over for dinner.
Or maybe I'll just sit on my ass and drink a lot and listen to Sonic Youth and yearn for mine.
I'm starving. I think I'm actually going to cook tonight. I have herbs on my patio that are in dire need of trimming. And I need something to occupy my time.
"...I heard you say 'you know I hate myself but I love everybody else'...and did you say 'I can't escape myself' and then you did...and now there's no one else...to blame..."
"I wonder how it came to be my friend that someone just like you has come again...you'll never, never know how close you came...until you fall in love..."
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