06/27/00 (cont'd)
Okay, so yesterday on the whole was uneventful. I walked the dogs but I was too tired to give them their full workout. So we were heading home just as Zak was leaving J's house and heading over. I assume from our conversation on Sunday that he was there for one of J's back cracking sessions. Or maybe they were running off at the mouth.
J picked Megan up last night so they could go "curb shopping" at some construction site. Apparently P found some baker's rack or something that she wanted, and if you ever need someone to help you steal something, Megan's your girl. She came home and the first words out of her mouth were "so have you told EVERYONE that we broke up?" Real accusatory-like. I panicked, because Megan's so big on that hush-hush, don't tell anyone about our personal private problems thing (and wouldn't she just absolutely shit her britches if she knew about this journal). I said, "I didn't tell him anything, I may have told him we were fighting, but..." Then she throws me for a super-duper loop. She looks at me with that shit-eating grin of hers and says, point blank, "oh, well, he probably heard it from Zak. Because you just love Zak. You probably tell Zak everything."
Holy Mary, mother of God, where did THAT come from?
I played it as cool as I could what with my spleen in my throat like that. "What are you getting at?" "Oh, you just love Zak, you like to talk about everything with him."
Uh, no, I'm no more in love with him than you are with your mom, although I AM trying to jump his bones. How do you like THEM apples, Missy?
All I said was, "the deepest conversation Zak and I have ever had involved, like, fast food or something." Which is true. She laughed it off with that horrible, evil, I-know-something-but-I'm-not-telling laugh and dropped the subject.
So now I need to find J and ask him what the fuck he told her. And remind him to keep his mouth shut, because I know where he lives.
Secrets don't make friends, they make gray hairs.
Okay. I love this girl. But lately she seems to have turned into a self-serving, cranky bitch with no compassion and no feelings for me aside from her own security and a complete lack of interest in sex. When I try to communicate with her about my feelings and needs, she mocks and taunts me to the point that I want to shake her until her teeth rattle. Her general demeanor seems to say, "my life is SOOO hard and SOOO complicated and SOOO busy, I haven't the time for your trivialities and petty desires. Go away now, shoo...unless you're here to worship me." The way I see it, I have two options: (1) ignore her attitude and hope that it improves with time; or (2) dump her.
(1) completely negates ME and my part in the relationship. Love is a 2-way street, y'all--am I right? Plus, that means I continue to go unnoticed while I wait for her to change. And we all know where that leads. Nowhere. Which means my resentment grows, my anger grows, I waste however long waiting for the impossible, and we end up hating each other.
(2) completely negates the fact that I once really was in love with this girl. Before she went and changed on me. But it asserts myself, and asserts what I want in a relationship, and that I'm not willing to suffer the bullshit. It keeps things between us from getting super ugly. It allows us to pursue our own versions of happiness, whether or not they involve each other. It gives us both a chance to find what we want.
Love stinks. Yeah, yeah.
I have no desire to work today. I'm feeling snarky and I have gastrointestinal distress. I feel like I must weigh about a ton. Damn salsa. But I have about 30 recipes for salsa (hard to believe, isn't it, that one can do that many different things with tomatoes, chiles, and a few other ingredients) and they're all so damn good. I can't stop myself. Especially now that I'm growing my own herbs and the tomatoes are blooming. My stomach is doomed.
Caleb and I are going out to celebrate my departure from The Firm Friday night, since C will likely be working at the video store...AGAIN. I'm going to have to burn that place down. It's cutting into my social life.
I want to go home and sleep...
Tonight I must buy cat litter. At whatever the cost. There was barely enough left on Sunday to cover the bottom of the litter box and I fear what my cats are going to do in retort if I don't correct the problem. I am a slave to my pets. I will also clean the kitchen (because Megan can't be bothered with housework now that she's IN SCHOOL) and take out the garbage and straighten up the house...and of course, I will walk those damn dogs. I'm ready to take this to another level, I think.
Just what that level may be, however, I have no idea.
But wait, there's more...