06/28/00 (cont'd)
could actually get her to agree to such an arrangement. Especially once her sweet mommy finds out about it. I have a feeling that when she mentions these things to mommy, mommy will be parked in my front yard with a big U-Haul ready to clean me entirely out. She's already told Megan that, upon our breakup, any furniture that she has purchased for us (as a gift) or had made for us will be leaving with Megan. This was said long before we ever started having any problems. Gee, and I wonder where Megan gets her attitude???
I suppose I could always try to qualify for a mortgage on my own to buy her out. Yeah, right. My credit sucks ass and I'm switching jobs in a month. I'm a mortgage nightmare. I could always swallow my pride and beg my dad to co-sign for me, but I have a feeling that plea would be met with a resounding "Hell no."
Of course, my other option is to make the best of an ugly situation, pretend to be happy as a clam with her, swallow my anger and resentment until I'm in a better financial state, and then tell her to blow me. But that's just so, so sick and wrong. Not to mention grossly unhealthy. But this is desperation talking here. I could easily find myself homeless again if I don't play my cards right. This is the first place I've ever lived that was mine, all mine...and once again, I find myself with strings attached to the roof over my head. How the fuck I manage to get myself into these situations is beyond me.
We have agreed (as of this morning, anyway, the temperature seems to fluctuate by the nanosecond) that we are going to Florida--together--as planned. She asked if we were "going as friends, as girlfriends, or just going." I said let's not complicate this shit any further than absolutely necessary and just GO. We'll see what happens there. We've agreed that this will probably either be a new beginning or the last hurrah. So my entire future rests on this one, tiny little R&R trip to a Florida beach on the Gulf. Almost hysterically funny, isn't it? If it weren't MY life on the line, I'd probably be laughing my ass off. As it is, I'm not laughing at all.
I don't know what to do. I like my idea...we split up because we both know this isn't going to happen...we draw up an agreement that allows me to keep the house through law school...we sell the house and I never have to see her selfish, uninterested, uncompassionate face again.
Am I angry? You're damn right I am. This wasn't at all what I expected from this relationship. But I'm beginning to notice a pattern. And I'm beginning to think it's my own damn fault. I have a definite tendency toward low self-esteem, which often leads me to ignore certain "warning signs" when I enter into a relationship. The way The Asshole treated me like shit even BEFORE anything happened, the way the ex-husband treated me like a small child that needed guidance and correction, the way Megan kept trying to dump me and then expected me to take her back. (There are so, so many more, but it's embarrasing, so I limit my examples to the obvious.) HMMMM... I think any normal person would have seen all of those situations coming and been high-tailing it in the opposite direction. Not me, baby--I'm a trooper. "I'll give this person 100% and love them unconditionally and in return, I will get the same." Uh, make that "I will get shit on" and you'll be more on target, sweetie pie. And yes, I know, here I go with my martyr complex again, but I don't think it's just me anymore...because other people can see it. Good God, even my wicked MOM can see it.
But besides that, there's what she said last night. "You're always saying 'nothing I ever do is good enough, no one appreciates what I do for them.' But that's not true. You just think that. Nothing you ever did when you were a kid was good enough, and now you can't stop thinking that way." I wonder how much of that is true. It's only been in the last year or so that, in my mother's eyes, I've been able to do anything right, though she will argue that to the grave. Yes, she did come to every single one of my school plays during high school, but nothing else I ever did was worth mentioning. My writing was an embarrasment (mostly because I was suicidal and it was all pretty much goth doom and gloom anyway), my grades sucked, I wasn't pretty, I wasn't popular, I wasn't enough. But it seems like the harder and harder I try now to be enough, the more it goes unnoticed. The more it gets taken advantage of. The further I get left behind.
I don't know that I am capable of interacting with people on a deep emotional level. Because it almost seems like I'm still out looking for that unconditional "mommy-love." How pathetic. (Why am I a hateful person? Because the world pisses me off. But what pisses me off most are the things that remind me of those things in myself that I absolutely hate most.)
So maybe I need to just stay away from romantic relationships for a while. At least until I get a little more steady on my feet. I need to figure out how to deal, and how to like myself, before I can even attempt it--no more following along after some jackass like a lost puppy. I guess I still have some ground to cover.
"I'm GOOD enough, I'm SMART enough, and doggonnit, PEOPLE LIKE ME."
Stewart Smalley was possibly one of the very best SNL characters, in my humble opinion. I could relate to him so much more than say, the Samurai Warriors...or Pat...
I definitely think I'll go home early today. I'm healthy, but I still feel like absolute shit. I don't want to be homeless, but I don't want to be miserable anymore, either. Winning the lottery would make my life a lot easier...who says money isn't everything?
I've learned so much working here. I know what the rich talk about...how to get richer. How to stay rich. How dividends and multiples and tax legislation are the earthly equivalent to the second coming of Christ. I know how lawyers get off on creating situations that make non-lawyers feel uncomfortable...like the "Chinese Wall" technique, in which a group of them will stand in the middle of the hallway, carrying on some life-and-death conversation (either about a client or golf) and will just stand there as you approach them, forcing you to squeak out "excuse me" and duck between them all while they look after you as if to say, "how dare you disrupt our circle of thought?" I've discovered just how humorous my life is to these bastards, who at the end of the day couldn't tell you one damn thing about me, except maybe that today, I wore sneakers with my dress, which is against the rules of the almighty dress code. Will my self-esteem increase when I finally leave this big, imposing, Taj Mahal of an office building for the final time? It seems only elementary, doesn't it?
I want to go sit in Loose Park but I have a feeling all I would do would be to sit on the grass by the pond and cry. Everything seems to be coming apart at the seams, and I can only blame myself, because I should have seen it all coming... "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame...but I know it's my own damn fault..."
At last, I get to quote Buffett. That should make me feel better, but given the circumstances prompting the quote...it doesn't.
To hell with this place...it's 4:10 and I skipped lunch, so I am officially going home.
But wait, there's more...