07/13/00
"I'm only lonely occassionally..." Loneliness encapsulates me like nothing before. Or is it just wanting, and not loneliness at all? I want him, and yet, I am now suddenly afraid of him--what if he is nothing like I have expected? I've learned to read people so well over the past few years, but...what if I'm horribly wrong? What if this spirals out of my control? Still...over two months (?) and he hasn't made a move until today (if you want to call that a move). Did it just take that long to figure it out? Or is he really not a threat? Isn't everyone a threat? Hasn't my whole life been a threat? Could it be that he fears me as much as I fear him? I haven't had enough. I can never have enough. Two rules--kiss me first, talk to me later. I AM easy. But where is it written in stone that I have no right to be? ...I should drink more. I just wonder if I know him enough to go this next step. And if it turns disastrous? I will move on. I always do. Still, I have to do this. I can't eat, I can't sleep...my dreams are riddled with his imagery...I need him. I have to know more. I can't stand these feelings of guilt with no crime to connect them to. I will crash, and I will burn. And I will emerge, and recover, and continue along the same treacherous path. The world keeps spinning, regardless of whether or not you care. Lights out. No more thoughts. No more words.
So now you know I'm just as strange on paper as I am on the web...
I just don't want to be disappointed. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Fuck it.
Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead.
I will certainly keep y'all posted. I'm sure you're all tingly with anticipation. God, I know I am.
The good news is I'm losing weight...down to 110 and falling...
Time for a cheeseburger...
But wait, there's more...