07/19/00
Yes, I am still alive. My fictional writing has been taking precedence lately over this, my non-fiction. And I haven't had a hell of a lot to say.
I must say that my so-called "life" is making for interesting fiction. The other night I met Zak to walk the dogs and he acted like he was truly irritated by my very presence. I blew it off. I went to his house later to drop off his sleeping bag Megan had borrowed and he was less an asshole but not much. When he commented on how long I had stayed there "for someone with so much shit to do," I stood up and said "fine, I'm leaving." He laughed and walked me to the door, sending me off with the usual full body embrace and kiss. Later I went to Jud's for an adJUDstment and we went walking with his dogs and talked. He's in a pretty bad spot right now because his goody-two-shoes wife is all up in arms and ready to divorce him over the fact that he smokes dope. BIG FUCKING DEAL. Anyway, we were talking and he was talking about her and said that he could tell her what she wants to hear and make her buy it, but it wouldn't be right. To emphasize his point, he said, "I could tell you what you want to hear. For instance, I could tell you, 'don't fall in love.'"
I read him. Loud and clear. And I told him as much. Knowing that everything I say to him goes right back to Zak, pretty much. I told him, "I know that, Jud. I know that. And I'm not. I may not be able to control my feelings, but I can damn sure control how I respond to them. And you can tell him that, too." I then went home and cranked out two very good scenes, one from a male perspective, one from a female. It's always been rather hard for me to write from the male perspective (since I'm not male, duh) but this just started flowing...it's a pretty damned good scene. I've only written two good scenes from the male mind, and this is definitely one of them. The female counterpart wasn't bad, either. And it made me feel better, certainly, to let all of this out, and to possibly portray what might be going through his mind.
Yesterday, when he met me at the field, he was infinitely more amiable. He sat down next to me and we had a conversation. When we were leaving, he looked at me, held out his arms and said "you want some of this?" I just looked at him and shook my head, then smiled, turned and walked to my house.
Today, I was drunk. I got home around 5:00 and poured myself a tequila and lemonade. By the time he arrived at the field, I was mildly loaded. And oh so chatty. But he couldn't tell I was drunk, which was good. We talked, but he was in a bit of a hurry because his mother is back in the hospital, and he had to go see her tonight. I could tell he was bothered by it, even though he isn't close to his mother and obviously holds a lot of resentment for her. I can relate. I don't know how I would react if my mother were dying. I think it would be more difficult for someone like Zak or I, who are still rather pissed about certain events of our childhoods, than for someone who truly loves their parent and can respond in the more "acceptable" manner.
When we were leaving, he stood at his truck and just looked at me. I said "what?" He said "I have to go to the hospital and I'm not happy about it." I just looked at him. What could I possibly say? There's nothing to say. It's a sucky situation and that's the long and short of it. Nothing I could say would make it any better. So I held out my hands and said "but what can you do about it?" He shrugged, got in his truck, said goodbye, and left.
I might run by later or at least call to make sure he's okay. Actually, that's stupid, because I know he won't be. What can I do to make it any better? Nothing.
I know it's too late. I know I'm in love with him. But it doesn't matter.
I talked to Jud last night again. He told me he talked to Zak yesterday morning and the first thing out of his mouth was "got any stories for me?" to which Jud replied, "no." Ha. I hope he put that in his pipe and smoked it. If he wants stories, he can ask me. So Jud and I had this very odd conversation last night about spirituality and I'm not talking the biblical kind. The human kind. The spirit, that part of each of us that we squelch down into nothing because somewhere along the way we're told we should. And most of us buy into it, at least at some point in our lives. We were talking about how much it sucks that people can't just BE who or what they are or whatever.
And I started thinking about it. I am certainly making an effort to live my own life on my own terms these days, but it would certainly be easier if everyone else would do the same. Take my current "fuck situation," if you will. If Zak weren't convinced that feeling anything at all for me meant that he had to eventually marry me and become my pathetic miserable servant, maybe he wouldn't be so insistent in his holding me at bay. If I weren't so convinced that I had to play it cool to keep him from freaking out, I could just be giddy in love with him, whether or not the feeling was mutual, and not spend my nights agonizing over whether or not I said the "wrong thing."
If Megan could stop looking at our relationship as "forever after," it might be easier for her to acknowledge that we were only making each other miserable, and it might be easier for us to live in the same house without the awkward silences.
If it were that simple, maybe I wouldn't enjoy drinking so much. I have, of course, decided to start drinking more. I've missed it. And now that I'm an adult and have finally figured out how to "drink responsibly," I'm looking forward to it. And don't any of you AA-types start e-mailing me about the error of my ways. I don't buy into that "disease" bullshit. Cancer is a disease. AIDS is a disease. Alcoholism is a behavior pattern. Been there, done that. So get off my ass.
I am sick for this man. Isn't that pathetic? But I'm keeping it in perspective. At least, I'm trying. He's helping, sort of, with his holding me at a distance. It's mildly irritating, but the good news is, as long as he's not fawning over me and consuming my every moment, I'm not doing the same, and can still be free to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life.
Aarrrggh. How's that, Marie?
Okay, my buzz is starting to wear thin. Time to find more liquor.
Have a nice day.
But wait, there's more...