08/09/00
to do, that I sounded absolutely nuts.
Well, that could be because I was feeling absolutely nuts. She continues to point out "YOU dumped ME," but she doesn't seem to understand that she dumped me a long time ago, and managed to forget about reconciling with me as soon as she went to a bar and spotted a pretty face.
But I'm dwelling, and dwelling isn't doing me any good.
So tonight when I got home from walking the dogs, and she was home preparing to go have dinner with another of her friends (who she used to have a crush on), I was sedate. I was calm. I was friendly. I didn't mention the bullshit. I called her this morning on my way to work (after a continuation of last night's bullshit) and told her "I don't want to fight anymore." She said neither did she. "So I'll keep my mouth shut." "So will I."
I have no sweet clue what's going to happen from here. I think I need to go back to therapy, just to make sure I can stay on the proper path and not fall back into my old, awful patterns. I'm not quite sure of my self enough yet to know that I can handle all of this change on my own.
But tonight, when I think about it, it's kind of refreshing again. Out with ways of old, in with the new. You can't change the past. You also can't waste your time reliving it over and over again. If I learned anything in therapy the first time, I learned that much. I wasted 10 years not being able to deal with and accept the past, and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste 10 more. If it doesn't work out with Zak, if it never works out with Megan, I have a lot more living to do. There are other people out there waiting for me to get inside their heads.
Boy, that sounded ominous. I'm not a serial killer, really, I swear...
I need to eat, but I took a damn Sudafed this afternoon, so now I have dry mouth and really really really want to smoke A LOT. Still, I'm losing weight. I caught my reflection in a window today at work while outside smoking. I was wearing this gray, longish, stretchy t-shirt type dress I got from Old Navy last fall, but had to quit wearing because I got too damn fat to pull of cotton spandex. And I thought, goddamn, I look like fucking Audrey Hepburn. Are those really straight twigs, or just my legs? When the hell did my clavicle become so...obvious? So yes, I think I can afford a Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger or twelve.
Don't go away...it's just about to get interesting, I think...
But wait, there's more...