Me

All About Complusive Over Eating and Me

For Facts About COE please visit here, remember NOT all suffers are greatly overweight or obese. I am not.

This is my new post at a site for eating disorders called http://www.something-fishy.org, this is the most honest thing i have ever written and sums up everything about my disorder and my feelings.

Hello, I am new here so if I slip up I’m sorry. I have been a COE for four years now. I think because at thirteen I was sexually abused and eating was the only thing that I could have which numbed the pain. Although I have only just realised that this was the starting point and perhaps reason for my overeating.

Right now I feel useless but I feel sick and I don’t want to eat sad as it seems I wish I could feel this sick more often but at the same time it’s scaring me because I feel like I should be eating maybe because it has become the norm for me? If I’m eating I feel strange but at the same time I feel such a FREAK because I eat too much.

I don’t get up most days, I just stay in the house eating, I don’t get dressed. I actually felt good about myself yesterday because i got the bus to town instead of staying in all day but all i did was worry about what people were thinking of me. I feel alienated from people, I feel ashamed, I feel messed up, I have such guilt over anything that I eat. Some days I tell myself I want to die, but I don’t want to die, I just want to blank myself away from the world. My eyesight keeps going blurry too which i know isn't good! I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die from a heart attack and what I’m scared of most is dying in such a shameful and un-dignified way.

I don’t want to be sad, if I see anyone who is sad it makes me sad, I just want to hold them but there doesn’t seem to be anyone to hold me. My mum doesn’t take it seriously and just shouts at me for not doing anything about it and my dad doesn’t realise. My best friend Liam who is skinny calls me fat but I know he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way but it affects me but I don’t want to talk to him about it, I just want to keep it inside myself.

I feel stupid and lazy. A person should be able to go an hour without eating, a person should be able to be alone in the house without food being constantly on their mind, a person shouldn’t have to consciously stop eating. Maybe I feel this bad because I cant seem to get a partner and I feel that this is the reason why. I have never had a proper boyfriend and when I’m lying awake at night I wonder what is wrong with me and this is what always creeps up on me. But then I just want to eat more. I don’t have many friends and why is that? I feel everything points to this. What frightens me is that I don’t feel ready to give it up even though I want it to end. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friend even if they have betrayed you and made you cry.

I need to be shown some fun, a day out, someone to show they LIKE being around me. I just wish i could stop crying...

p.s i am looking for friends who are like me, COE's. Feel free to email me. If you leave your SN's for AOL/MSN or YAHOO i will get back to you.

Peace and Love

These people are the reason i fight on, i will not let this disorder kill me, like how it took all their precious lives..

Memorial Wall

Want to add a name and message of someone who has died of Complusive Overeating Disorder/Binge Eating Disorder. Just email me, at the bottom of the page.

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