I
Guess nothing just happens in isolation, and while I can never try to justify
in any way what I did, I can but tell the story, & you make up your own
mind.
I
never knew what I wanted in life, always looking, and thought that drugs like
Heroin and Cocaine would help me find myself. After 10 years of drug addiction,
I stopped, but there was always that same question ? " What do you want
" . Life became a difficult journey to stay off drugs, and find myself,
find what it was that I needed to be happy.
I
met a beautiful woman and we had a daughter, life was perfect, or so it seemed
to me. Truth was that I was really struggling to find my own Identity, what
am I doing here, what is the purpose of life, all those sorts of trivial questions,
and so long as a Junkie, had left me ill prepared to deal with day to day things,
let alone work out the big questions. The relationship became very painfull.
In
1980. My mother died. I went to Sydney for the funeral, and ended up staying
there, in her house, sleeping in her room, trying to say goodbye, and not wanting
to rush back to Perth, where I knew I had even more sadness waiting with the
end of my relationship, and too much pain with not being there for my daughter.
My
father pissed off when I was 12 , and I always promised myself I would never
leave my child like he did to me. But when a relationship ends, and you aren't
there every day, then you can't be a 'REAL DAD", it doesn't matter why
the relationship ends, try explaining it to a 2 year old, it was a pain I stayed
in Sydney to avoid.
Eventually
I came back to Perth, but the only thing that killed the pain was heroin, so
I went back to that, after 5 years off it. I was like some wounded animal, grieving
for my mum, my girlfriend, and most of all for my daughter, and all I could
think to do was to move away, get right away from people and just let the wounds
heal.
I
moved to the country, found my own private valley, no neighbours for miles,
surrounded by forests, a quiet place to find some answers. The only time I left
there was to shop or to go to Perth to see my daughter. Life was isolated, reflective,
and full of sadness.
I
decided to grow some marijuana, I wasn't sure what the future held, but I had
no money, and growing pot seemed a good idea at the time.
TWO GUYS CAME TO ROB ME. I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY !
I STILL BELIEVE THEY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME TO GET THE CROP, BUT I WAS PRETTY
SCREWED UP ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, AND MAYBE I JUST LOST THE PLOT.
There
was no consideration of " self defense " it was all about drugs, and
murder, and I want on the Journey to ' DEATH ROW ' .
WHAT
HAPPENNED THAT DAY, CAN NEVER BE FORGOTTEN BY ME, I WILL LIVE WITH WHAT I DID
FOREVER, AND I KNOW THAT A HUMAN BEING, CAN REACT WHEN THE RIGHT BUTTONS ARE
PUSHED, AND I EXPLODED.
I
CAN NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN, I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON. VOILENCE IS NEVER AN
ANSWER TO ANYTHING.