Like millions of my fellow Americans, I look to the U.S. Supreme Court, and its adjunct, the American Civil Liberties Union, as guides in these troubled times. Now that the Court has spoken on two major cases, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

The one case, a First Amendment matter, regarded a statue of the Ten Commandments, based on the eponymous 1956 film starring Moses, er, Charlton Heston, in an Indiana town square; the other case regarded whether disabled, professional golfer Casey Martin should be permitted to ride in a golf cart, while his sweaty opponents walk for 18 holes.

By a 6-3 vote, the Court refused to review the case of the Elkhart, Indiana monument. The three dissenting justices, Scalia, Rehnquist, and Thomas, or as they are known within the Democrat Party, "the bush leaguers," argued that the monument has, in Chief Justice Rehnquist's words, "at least as much civic significance as it does religious." As Justice John Paul Stevens, or as he is known within the Democrat Party, "Pope John Paul," said in a separate opinion criticizing Rehnquist, the latter's dissent ignored the phrase on the monument, "I am the Lord thy G-d."

"The graphic emphasis placed on those first lines is rather hard to square with the proposition that the monument expresses no particular religious preference..."

"Pope John Paul" smartly ignored the monument's history of having been blessed in a joint ceremony by a rabbi, a priest, and a minister.

As reported by UPI's Michael Kirkland, it seems that Elkhart resident William Books, "first noticed the monument in 1990 'when he was driving real slow in a delivery truck.' according to court records." Apparently, for the previous 32 years of the statue's existence, Books had been a speeding maniac. Only in 1997, however, after years of taking offense, did Citizen Books finally take up pen and write the ACLU.

The other Elkhartian, Michael Suetkamp, "States that he must come into direct contact with the monument in order to participate as a citizen of Elkhart."

Once upon a time, Supreme Court justices understood that "taking offense" not only was NOT a valid legal ground for limiting the First Amendment, but rather that protection from others' taking offense was one of the express REASONS for the First Amendment's protections of freedom of religion, freedom from established, state religion, freedom of speech, and freedom of the press. And when the justices forgot this, the ACLU reminded them.

It seems William Books has long since vanished from the face of the earth; perhaps he can be found in the same cemetery as the corpse who last year sued the city of St. Louis to keep polls open past the legal closing time, so as to increase dead voter participation.

Michael Suetkamp is a local atheist leader. As Kari Lydersen reports in the June 4 Washington Post, after filing the suit, Suetkamp told the Elkhart Truth newspaper, "It's not the role of government [to take a position on religion]. It's a personal, private matter."

Elkhart Mayor David Miller is seeking to save the monument, either by surrounding it with secular monuments, or by turning over the small parcel on which it stands to a church or private group. The latter tack has upset Ken Falk, legal director of the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, who calls it "a dubious thing to do." Falk was presumably following the time-honored Constitutional principle, which permits only atheists to exploit legal technicalities.

The next logical steps would be for Pope John Paul and the ACLU to have all U.S. paper money recalled, and to impose a speech code on Congress.

It seems that the U.S. Mint has been caught printing the words, "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. I can just see the lawsuit, as yet another offended, dead citizen complains, "I must come into direct contact with those words, in order to participate as a citizen of the United States."

Readers may want to consider investing in gold Krugerrands.

Meanwhile, a third dead citizen or atheist leader is bound to complain that while visiting Congress, a man opened each session with the offensive phrase, "G-d bless the United States of America!" The plaintiff will argue that his right to freedom from religion was violated, as well as the doctrine (nowhere to be found in the U.S. Constitution) of the separation of church and state.

Based on the innovation that during last year's Ramadan observances, permitted Moslem school children to pray during class time in New York City public schools, the ACLU might suggest a compromise, whereby an Imam would open each session of Congress with, "Death to the Great Satan, America!"

In another landmark case, by a 7-2 majority, the Supreme Court ruled that golfer Casey Martin may ride around in a golf cart, while his opponents walk. Citing the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act, Pope John Paul argued that it is arbitrary to require that all golfers walk up and down sweltering golf courses. As the Pope observed, "From early on, the essence of the game has been shot-making."

(In a virtually identical case, the justices also voted 7-2 to permit crippled professional golfer Ford Olinger to use a golf cart.)

The Pope reportedly is also looking into changing the rules of the National Football League, which require that quarterbacks quickly run backwards after being snapped the football, in order to avoid being sacked, and that wide receivers run down field, before catching the ball. After all, the essence of the game is throwing and catching the ball.

Many old quarterbacks and wide receivers have been arbitrarily excluded from the game. They are so debilitated from joint injuries, that they probably could be made to qualify as "disabled" under the ADA. Surely, they could be permitted to use carts or some other vehicle that would permit them to participate, without changing the essence of the game.

Pope John Paul is also rumored to be mulling taking on G-d Himself, specifically Judaism's 365 negative and 248 positive commandments. After all, the essence of religion is faith; having 613 different rules is exclusionary, arbitrary, and too technical for many Jews to follow.

Meanwhile, the Pope and Co. will continue to hear cases in a government building containing a depiction of the Ten Commandments, as per the commandment, "I am the State thy G-d ..."