| His fingers ran gingerly through the soft strands of blonde hair, twirling the ends on the tips of his fingers, careful not to pull too hard. The fingers released the hair and ran gently down the soft slope of shoulder exposed from under the covers. He could touch this skin forever. Soft, smooth and glowing in the darkness of the room. One word kept racing through his brain as he lay there, naked beside the person he'd just made love to -- the person who wasn't his life. 'Immoral.' Brian Littrell had never thought he'd give his body to anyone but his wife, Leighanne. But it had happened. And it had happened more than once. What was to be a simple fling out of curiousity turned into an occassional rendezvous -- and it was now a weekly meeting. Was it *immoral* to be cheating on your wife? Surely. Was it even *more* immoral to be cheating on her with another man? That question opened up a set of avenues that Brian couldn't even begin to fathom. The good Christian values he'd had instilled in him since birth -- that he followed religiously no matter what moral boundary he was faced with, were now up for question. As the form beside him rolled over to face him, one look at the innocent face of his lover erased the thoughts for the time being. Brian knew they'd return in the morning. When the sunlight crept through the bedroom window. When the first yawn escaped his lover's lips. When he had to stand up and gather his clothes to get back to his place before his wife woke up. The gentle kiss he'd place on his lover's lips and the sad sigh of defeat he'd exhale when he walked out the door. They all haunted Brian for the rest of the day, as he lay in his wife's arms and watched television with her. It was a standard routine by now, having gone on for so many months that he stopped counting. Brian loved his wife with all of his very being -- but part of him was devoted to the man in his life. A man who made him smile, and feel wanted and special and everything else that made him shine with pure delight. ------------------------------------------ Lance rolled over as he felt Brian move from his side. Feigning exhaustion he buried his face in his pillow to muffle the tears that threated to escape. When the room was dark, he could pretend he didnt see the gold band that shone on the pale hand. The mans hand. Entwined in his own. Brian never questioned when Lance removed his silver cross before climbing into bed. The first time they kissed, Lance had felt as if that cross would burn through his flesh. And when Brian had pulled away, running a finger over the sterling... "So beautiful. A perfect reminder of faith. Beautiful...." ...Lance had fought the tears for the first time then. At first he thought his fear was because Brian was a man. But it wasnt that at all. He had made his own peace with his homosexuality, that wasnt really the issue. His family knew. His friends knew. His pastor knew. Hell, even some fans knew. In his heart, Lance firmly believed that love was love, no matter who you were, or what chromosomes you were born with. The fact that his gorgeous lover was a man wasnt the issue. The issue was that gold ring. And that golden haired woman who slept alone, never mentioning what she knew was going on. Lance knew she knew. No new bride would sleep alone as often as she did without suspecting something. She was the reason he couldnt wear the cross when he was with Brian. It was at the American Music Awards. An unsuspecting, and well meaning, Nick Carter had run into *NSYNC at an after party. Contrary to public belief, the men were all friends and were more than happy to see each other. Nick was on his second glass of Cristal, and fumblingly introduced Lance to Leighanne as Brian looked on, crowded by others. Lance had swallowed a mouthful of bile and smiled nervously, extending his hand. "It's good to finally meet you. Brian is a lucky man." Her brow creased and then her eyes dulled as understanding dawned. Her eyes darted to her new husband, taking in his pale face and frantic eyes. She took his hand and shook it weakly. When her eyes locked with his, Lance knew she knew. "Yes. Yes, I suppose he is." She let go of Lance's hand as if it were so much refuse contaminating her skin. Her eyes slid over him, sizing him up. Her hand reached for his neck and he was momentarily scared. The delicate, feminine fingers slid over the necklace. The diamond of her ring glinted against the diamond of the pendant. "This is beautiful. Its good to know Brian has such good friends, so grounded in Christ. You must all keep each other on the right path." He never wore that necklace when he was with Brian. He barely wore it at all anymore. But never... ever... with Brian. __________________ Brian sat on the edge of the bed, his hands wringing nervously before he placed them in his pockets. The sound of the shower the only noise to break the looming silence. He looked around the room, for nothing in paticular. Something for his eyes to focus on -- besides the small crack in the door that let light and steam creep out and tease him, daring him to open the door and join Lance in the shower. And then he found it. His distraction. It hung on the lamp shade, the light casting an eerie halo of artificial light that bounced off of the sterling metal. It's almost as if it called out to him. Ever since his wife's hands touched it that night, he couldn't look at it. It seemed beyond the point of sac-religious now, it even seemed borderline disgusting. Lance's deep voice summoned Brian into the bathroom. Reluctantly, he stood. Knowing the vision he'd see would erase all thoughts of his wife. The blonde adonis standing amongst the clouds of steam, dripping wet with matted spikes and a large white terrycloth surrounding his still wet body. Poof. Images of Leighanne be gone. Their arms wrapped around one another, Lance's damp body soaking through Brian's clothes and chilling his skin. It was now that they felt safe. The wrongs were righted and the questions answered. A simple kiss served as closure to doubts. In one another's arms, they found solace. Nothing seemed wrong, as they looked in the mirror at their youthful faces, adorned by mischiveous smiles. A strong hand caressed his arm, and Brian's doubts evaporated like the steam. ------------------------------------------ Lance watched as the car pulled away from his house, his lip caught in his teeth. She had called this time. Woken up and wondered where her husband was. Went to see how Nicky was doing, Brian had answered. It was too close. The ring of Brian's cell phone interrupted a kiss, and Lance had watched as his lover had lied to his wife, while licking the taste of Lance's lips off his own. Moving back to the bedroom, he lay down in the rumpled sheets that smelled of Brian. He rolled over into the sweat and tear stained pillow, sighing at how silent tears tended to sneak out the corners of Brian's eyes as he held Lance in his arms. He opened his eyes and was caught by the flashing silver of the cross as it hung in its resting place. The guilt pawed at his stomach, slowly working it's way into his bones. It made him weary, made him ache. He looked at pictures of his own parents, so happy after such a long marriage. He wondered what his life would have been like, had there been another man or another woman stealing the affections of his parents. He remembered the hurt in Leighanne's eyes so vividly. He took the necklace in his hand, tracing the lines of the antiqued silver with shaking fingers. He was reminded of the way his fingers traced Brian's lips and face. Brian, with his innocent, trusting eyes. Brian, who sobbed in his arms the first time they made love. Brian, who slept in his embrace, then returned to the woman bound to him by the laws of God and man. The woman Brian loved. Somehow that fact was easy to forget when Brian's kisses were so sweet and his touch so gentle. It was easy to forget that Brian loved Leighanne. That he had chosen to marry her, above all women. Lance bit his lip to fight the tears and clenched his fist around the cross, allowing the metal to bite into his flesh. Suddenly he hurled the cross against the wall, falling to the ground and sobbing. Weeping for love. His, Brian's and Leighanne's. |
| Thou Shalt Not |