Improv2000 #6

It's a Long Story. . .
by Peggy

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BEEP

"Mulder, it’s me.  Where are you?"

"Scully, I’m here."

"Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling for two
days."

"To be honest, I’ve been a bit housebound."

"Are you OK Mulder?"

"Ever hear of Octoberfest, Scully"

"Yes"

"Ever hear of Shiner Bock Beer?"

"Inform me."

"The boys came by Friday night.   Frohike had driven to Maryland
specially for Shiner Bock Beer, how could I disappoint him?"

"Shiner Bock Beer?"

"Tell me Scully, I never heard of the stuff but Melvin
insisted I try some."

"How much is some, Mulder?"

"I can’t feel my feet, Scully."

"Mulder……………."

"Honestly, it was not my idea.   We got into a debate over the
Warren commission’s findings and before I knew it a whole case
was gone."

"OK Mulder, that covers Saturday and most of Sunday.  This is
Monday and you are not in the office."

"I’m getting there…"

"I’m listening…"

"Scully, apparently Bock beer is known for inducing the
wildest dreams."

"Oh?"

"Imagine me.  Imagine Diana, her missile-like, heat seeking
breasts speaking to me in unknown languages. Tell me -  did this
happen for real?"

"What, Mulder?"

"Diana climbing into my bed.   I’m half insane with sounds in my
head and she’s trying to bury my face in those horrible
things."

"I believe that actually happened Mulder, a long time ago.
Apparently your beer is also good at regurgitating old
nightmares."

"Oh Scully, don’t say regurgitate, please."

"Sorry Mulder, go on."

"I jumped out of bed trying to get that picture out of my
head. I pulled on the first pair of pants I could find….."

"And…"

"They happened to be a pair of leather trousers I bought for
Langly’s birthday.   Langly's  twenty pounds lighter than me,
Scully. Ever see the Seinfeld episode when Kramer could not
get out of a pair of tight jeans? Well, that was me.   I hopped
around the room trying to get the damn leather trousers off,
forgetting that the boys and I had been playing with my new
staple gun."

"Staple gun?"

"It gets better Scully, stay with me.  My old-timer stapler
had broken and I found this neat staple
gun on sale. It staples papers just fine but it also doubles
as a staple gun, you know, the kind that lets you shoot
staples across the room."

"Mulder, most people just use staple guns to staple things to
things. They don’t describe them as NEAT."

"When you are aiming at each other and ducking, that’s neat,
Scully."

"Oh, neat.   I suppose a case of beer aids in this pastime."

"It helps.  To continue, Scully, picture me hopping around on one foot
trying to get out of these tight leather pants."

"Oooh Mulder, pinch me. Reminds me of the time I was able to
wriggle out of my bra without taking my shirt off during the
third act of La Boheme at the Met."

"Scully, this is about me, BUT could you elaborate on that one
some day soon?"

"I’ll need a case of beer first, Mulder."

"Scully, picture the floor full of discarded ammunition
formerly known as staples, I’m barefoot . . .get the picture?"

"Mulder, how many staples are in your foot?"

"About five Scully.  I got four of them out."

"And the fifth?"

"That’s where you come in."

"I called you, remember Mulder?"

"Yes, I figured you would sooner or later.  Can you help me
out?"

"Do I need to bring a medical kit?"

"If you don’t I might as well ask my Buddha to help."

"I have to make one stop first, okay?"

"For?"

"Long story.  Remember your abduction? Something funny
happened to me before, during, and after your
abduction.  Something that would be called a plot device if we
were Murphy Brown or Frasier, but since we are The X-Files,
it’s called an X-File. It’s the type of X-File that we kind
of sweep under the carpet. Well, this particular little
X-File needs diapers, I’ll just be a few minutes longer, try
to not think about it."

"Huh?"

"Told you."

"OK Scully, see you soon.  Whatever."

One Hour Later

"Geez how much blood can be in one foot?"

"Hang on Mulder, almost got it."

"Are you sure you know what you are doing? I’m not dead like
most of your other patients."

"Shut up Mulder, I’m bandaging your foot now."

"Thank goodness for Lidocaine, huh?"

"By the way, I checked your medical file on my way out of the
office, you need a tetanus shot."

"Dirty nails Scully, dirty nails.   You can’t fool me."

"Any penetrating injury Mulder.  Drop 'em and roll over."

"Ooh, hurt me Scully."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Suggestions were:
TFW's Ta Ta's of death
Scully buying Nappies (diapers)
Scully taking her bra off under her shirt
Mulder in tight black leather trousers
Mulder hobbling with a painful sliver in his foot
A broken stapler
A case of Shiner Bock Beer.

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