Oh No It, It . . . IRTS!
(It'll Ruin The Show)
by RosIOW
Season Six is now upon us and in view
of some very nasty rumours circulating, is it not time to ask ourselves
what we really want?
Shippers just do not understand that a romance between Mulder and Scully
will ruin the show. Ask yourselves people, is this the sort of thing you
really want to see in your very own X Files? Be careful what you wish
for. You could end up watching scenes that go something like this:
* A very protective Mulder towards Scully.
* A very protective Scully towards Mulder.
* Sick Scully. Could result in tender little Mulder touches, kisses and
hair stroking. A really sick Scully might mean all of this with the
addition of Mulder tears and arm eating!
* Sick Mulder. Could result in little Scully touches and hair stroking.
Dr. Scully might get really shirty with the Docs and insist on caring
for her man herself. Even worse, a recovering Mulder might end up with a
Scully smile and arm rubbing!
* Injured/Hurt Scully/Mulder. When he/she is at deaths door the person
responsible might be visited by angry Mulder/Scully. Then we will have
to endure all manner of rash emotional scenes, tantrums and
protestations of "If he/she dies because of what you've done I am
going to kill you, you son of a B****h." Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.
* Mulder in big time trouble. Be prepared for a Scully who will lay
everything on the line for him. An "In Love" Scully might
offer to take the rap for the dead guys in his apartment, or even lie
for him. What if she ends up in prison rather than divulge his
whereabouts? From here it is but a small step to worst case scenario,
Scully pulling naked Mulder out of the bath after one of his regressive
hypno sprees and administering HUGE doses of TLC... It could happen.
* Intimate little Scully/Mulder gestures - a real danger this one. Just
consider some examples of the sort of soppy stuff you might be forced to
watch. Scully straightening Mulder's tie, packing his skiddies at the
end of a case, making little circular movements on his leg with her
fingers. Mulder sobs on Scully's shoulder complete with hair stroking.
Hand holding - ugh! Worst case again - dancing Mulder and Scully and
long adoring Mulder looks. You don't want to go there people.
* Flirty Scully! I'm warning you, she'll be in his motel room, quicker
than you can say No Romance. We'll have to watch a Scully clutching
little bottles of wine, making teasing little remarks about
fraternisation between partners and improper suggestions concerning
sleeping bags.
* Blatant Scully. Next time Mulder takes a little holiday in Russia be
prepared for the embarrassment of seeing Scully hurl herself across a
crowded courtroom and into his arms the minute she claps eyes on him.
She won't give a monkey's what Skinner or the other VIPS think, so great
will be her joy at lover boy's return.
* Absent Scully. If she goes off on a little visit somewhere without
him, Mulder will take the opportunity to catch up on his phone calls. He
will call Scully first, and then second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
seventh, eighth, ninth etc. etc.
* Moonstruck Mulder. OK so I could be exaggerating a bit here. But what
if an absent Scully really affects our hero. I would hate to see him so
lost without her for a weekend that he could not boldly rush forth to
solve another X File. A mooning Mulder could end up doing nothing more
than hanging around in his underwear, dribbling a basketball and
sharpening pencils. No? Oh alright then, I suppose that is a bit far
fetched.
* Orgasmic Scully. Just a bit of hand holding with Mulder on the couch
may well bring cries of Oh My God, Oh My God, from a besotted Scully so
worst case scenario here is something I can't bring myself to think
about.
* Jealous Mulder, Jealous Scully. You just wait to see what will happen
if they try to introduce another male/female reasonably attractive
character. If this character has a past with, or shows the slightest
interest in either of them there will be hell to pay. Even the most
hunky male, only there for a guest appearance, will be forced to wear
false buck teeth for the duration of the episode. Any new female
character who poses the merest hint of a threat to the lovebirds will be
required to be perennially pained with a wonky mouth.
* Passionate Mulder. What if Scully decides to give up the day job? I
can see "In Love" Mulder now. You've saved me, blah blah,
whole person, blah blah, I owe you everything, blah blah, can't go on
without you. Blah, Blah Blah. Yuck!
* Frozen Naked Scully. All ready to be thawed out by Mulder love, little
white socks and an anorak. If this romance rubbish isn't halted we might
end up with stuff like this on the big screen.
* Hallways. You'll never be able to trust either of them in one of these
again. A dimly lit hallway will bring out the very worst in both of
them. Trust me on this, I have inside information.
You have been warned! Be afraid, be very afraid. If the shippers get
their way then be prepared for a bad case of IRTS.
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