Pass You By
Inspired by Boys II Men's Pass You By. Click here for lyrics.
The call came at around midnight.
I almost didn't even answer it because I was too tired and answering it meant that I would have to get up. But I did anyway because I knew if I didn't, I would probably regret it.
I hardly recognized her voice, I hadn't heard from her in that long. It took me a second to even come up with her name.
Julia.
"Jules?"
"Hi, Kev. How's it going?"
She sounded the same at first. Soft voice, always in a good mood. She carried out the conversation like she didn't even realize it was the middle of the night. Same old Jules.
"Good, good. You?" I tried to wake up a little. "I missed you, I haven't heard from you in forever."
"I know, it's been busy, huh?"
I'd been busy.
"I was wondering ... Do you want to get get together sometime? Like old times?"
I paused. That was kind of sudden. "I'm married now, Julie-"
"I know," she interrupted with a laugh. "Me too."
"For real? Little Jules got married? When?"
"Back in March." It was August now. "I tried to get in touch with you, but ..." She trailed off. But I was busy. I was about to say something when she cut in again. "So what do say, Kevy? Like old times?"
There was something in her voice. Maybe I was just tired.
"Sure, just name a time. I'd love to see you again." I paused and ran a hand through my messy hair, debating whether or not to ask. I knew she wouldn't tell me if I didn't. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know, it's just kind of sudden. The middle of the night ..."
There was a hesitation. "Oh, I didn't even realize, Kev, I'm sorry ..."
"Don't worry about it. Everything's okay? You just want to get together? No emergency?"
"Well, I wanted to ask you a favor," she said tentatively. Ah, a favor.
"What's that?"
"You don't have to if you don't want to-"
"C'mon, Julia, what is it?"
"You remember Shayla?"
"Of course." Julia had been in a relationship that when it ended left her with a only broken heart and her daughter Shayla. She always said Shayla made up for everything. "How old is she now?"
"Four."
"You need me to watch her?" I guessed.
"You don't mind?"
"Not at all. When?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Sure."
"You positive, Kev? Because I can find somebody else if you don't have the time-"
"Baby, you're not gonna find somebody else at this time of night. I'll do it. I'd love to."
"Thanks, Kev. I owe you the world."
"You don't owe me anything. Don't worry about it."
"Thanks," she repeated. "You have no idea."
"Don't worry about it," I said again. "Alright?"
"Alright. Where are you gonna be tomorrow?"
"Um ..." In the studio with the guys. Great. I'd worry about that later. "Just come to my place with her, okay?" I told her the address and made sure she knew how to get there. "Okay, then that's it. Now go to bed."
"Right," she said with a laugh. "I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks again, Kevin."
"See you," I answered. We hung up and I yawned, rubbing my face with my hands. Alright. Back to bed. I made my way to the bedroom without tripping over any furniture and fell back into bed with a groan.
"Who was that?" Kristin whispered.
"Did I wake you?" I mumbled into my pillow.
"No, I didn't even feel you jump back into bed," she answered with a laugh. I heard her roll over. "Who was it?"
"Julia. You remember Julia?"
"Oh yeah! How is that girl? It's been ages."
"She's fine I think. We're baby-sitting for her tomorrow."
"We?" she repeated, sounding surprised. I turned to look at her.
"Yeah, do you mind? You love kids."
"Sweetie, I'd love to if I wasn't hopping on a plane to New York at eight in the morning."
Oops.
"You mean I have to watch Shayla all alone?"
"The guys'll help you out, won't they?" She was amused at me, I could tell.
"You mean I have to watch Shayla and them all alone?"
She just laughed.
"You don't have to go, do you?" I moved closer to her.
"Well ..."
"I'll miss you." I kissed her cheek.
"You just want help baby-sitting."
"True." I kissed her again. "But it was worth a try."
"You jerk," she laughed.
"I guess I can manage."
"You will."
-
When Julia and I were about twenty-five we decided to start dating. We had been friends for years before that, and as it turned out we pretty much decided that was what we would stay. Friends. It wasn't that anything was wrong exactly, it was more along the lines of a brother and sister relationship we had going. Nothing more. We were both protective of one another, which was why when I saw her again I was immediately on edge.
"How'd you get a black eye?"
"Hey Kev ..." Julia smiled from the stoop, holding Shayla by the hand. It was almost a sad smile.
"Hi. What happened?"
Julia rolled her eyes. "I was playing basketball at the gym and I got elbowed. No big deal."
"You sure?" I frowned. Something in her voice.
"I'm sure. Shayla, remember Kevin?" Julia changed the subject by focussing her attention on the blonde, curly-headed Shayla, who gave me that cheerful smile she had inherited from her mother. "She was so excited to see you again."
"Hey Shay, remember me?" I guess she did, because she let go of Julia's hand and latched onto my leg. I laughed. "I guess so."
"You sure you can do it?"
"I'm sure."
"Is Kris here?"
"No, she left this morning."
"Okay. Um, here's some of her stuff ..." She handed me a bag. "Books and toys to keep her busy, and ... what else."
"We'll be fine, don't worry," I said with a smile.
"Okay." She looked anywhere but at my face. "Well I'll get going. Have fun. I'll be back tonight sometime, is that okay?"
"That's fine." I pulled her in for a quick hug. "It's good to see you again."
"You too. I missed you."
"You sure you're alright?" I had to ask again. There was just something different about her. Something in her voice, or in her eyes. I didn't know what exactly, but it was there.
"Yes, quit asking."
"Okay." I kissed her cheek quickly. "I just worry, you know."
"Yeah, I know." She smiled. "That's why I trust you."
-
"Whoa, Kev, don't you think you and Kris should've started with a puppy first or something?"
I rolled my eyes at Nick's comment as I came into the studio with Shayla. I had no choice but to bring her with me, but I figured it would work out fine anyway. She wouldn't get in the way, and we weren't even spending the whole day in there like we usually did.
"Shay, this is Nicky, he's our pet," I said as I set Shayla on the ground and swatted at Nick. He just grinned. "This is Shayla, Julie's daughter, remember?" Nick didn't know Julie that well. "I'm watching her for the day."
"Aw, sorry to hear that, Shayla," Nick said seriously, shooting me a smile. "But don't worry, I can save you from Kev for a little while at least."
"You're funny, Carter."
"I know. C'mon, Shayla, I'll show you around the studio."
"Kay!" Shayla had no doubts about leaving my side and hopping to Nick's. I just shook my head and dropped my bag in the corner.
"So what's Julia doing back in town?"
"I don't know, D, that's exactly what I'm wondering." I dropped down next to Howie on the couch and rubbed my hands together. "She disappears and now she's back. Not that being back bothers me, it's the disappearing part."
"I thought she told you everything," Howie teased.
"I thought so too," I said seriously. "But there's definitely something up." I just didn't know what it was. "She's married now."
"Oh yeah? Who's the lucky guy?"
"Dunno. Didn't even get a chance to ask ..." I shrugged at him. "I'm worried."
"About what?"
"I don't know, she just seems different, distant almost."
"Well it has been awhile. People change, Kev. You don't notice it until you don't see them every day."
"I guess you're right." I shook my head. I couldn't just leave it at that. "There's just something."
"Well maybe you should ask her."
"I asked her if anything was up, but she got almost defensive."
"Maybe she just-"
"Gooood morning!"
We stared at Brian as he made his grand entrance, the crazy boy. It was best to ignore him. When no one answered he just rolled his eyes, coming over to me and Howie.
"Not a good morning?" he asked with a tentative smile.
"Morning, Bri," Howie greeted.
"Hey," I added, looking up. He looked straight at me.
"Something wrong?" He paused, brow furrowed. "You're not worrying over everything again, are you? We're on schedule, and-"
I almost laughed, he was so serious. "No, I'm not worrying over that."
"But you're worrying?"
I shrugged.
"You worry too much."
"Yeah, he does," I heard AJ say. I shot him a look as he came through the door. He smirked at me for a second before glancing away. "Nicky, new girlfriend?"
"Shut the-"
"Not around the baby," Brian objected, glancing down at Shayla for the first time. She was content at Nick's side, her hand wrapped around his finger. "Is Julie back?"
I nodded.
"Really?"
"Yeah, she just showed up last night." Her habit was always coming and going, usually coming, hardly going. Until the last time. That time I didn't see her for months, not until now. She had never told me she was leaving. She never did. We had all been worried at first, but as time ran by, I guess we stopped thinking about it.
"Where's she been?"
"I didn't really get to talk to her yet."
"Is she okay?"
"Didn't really get to talk to her yet," I repeated, catching his eye. He looked at me questioningly for a second and then gave up.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"That's the worry?" he asked.
"That's the worry."
"Why're you worried again?" Nick asked, trying to act like he hadn't missed the whole thing. He gave me a small smile and I just shook my head at him. "You're not gonna tell me?"
"I'm not worried."
"Shayla, ask Kev why he's worried," Nick said, lifting her onto my lap. She just gave me that smile and wrapped her arms around my neck.
"See, she knows I'm not worried." I forced a smile.
Nick just shook his head. "Whatever, Kev."
-
Dinner. Together. Time for old friends to catch up on the times, what was going on.
At least that's what I had hoped.
"So ..." I trailed off, almost giving up on starting any conversation at all. Julia stirred her soda silently, looking at the tablecloth, the floor, the people across from us. Not at me.
I had been hoping she would fill me in on what had been going on with her, maybe ease my worries a little. Maybe the guys were right, maybe I worried to much about people. They were always telling me to stop pressing.
I glanced at Shayla sitting in her booster seat and she smiled at me. She was giving me more conversation than Julia and she hardly knew sentence formation.
"Hey, Shay."
"Hi, Kev," came the soft, happy voice.
"What's wrong with Mommy?"
"Mommy?" Shayla repeated, glancing at Julia. "Mommy?"
"Nothing's wrong, sweetie," Julia said, rolling her eyes at me.
"So when am I going to meet ..." She never told me his name. "The lucky guy. What's his name?"
"Ray. Ray Horton."
"When do I get to meet Ray?"
She finally looked up at me. "You want to meet him?"
"Of course I do. C'mon. Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know, I just didn't think ..." I watched her stumble over her words for a second. "Okay."
"Okay?" I laughed. "Okay, when?"
"Okay, you can meet him," she said slowly. She forced a smile.
"Did you guys move back here?"
"We're renting right now, on the other side of town. Ray's job travels."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"California."
I didn't ask what she'd been doing in Cali to begin with since she didn't seem to be enjoying my questions. I knew she'd always wanted to go there, maybe she'd just decided to give it a go. Obviously it turned out well for her, meeting her husband and all.
"Are you gonna be here awhile? Before he has to travel?"
"As long as you will be probably," she answered, looking at me straight. I swallowed. Oh.
"Well good," I said slowly. She was doing the looking all over thing again. Did I do something to make her distant from me? Say something? Not say something?
It was silent until after the food came. By that time I figured I'd give conversation another try.
"I'm glad to see you're doing good, Jules," I started. "I was worried for awhile."
Correction, I was still worried.
She shrugged and gave me a little smile. "No reason to worry."
"You're sure everything's okay?"
"Yes, Dad," she said sarcastically. "Will you just stop thinking there's something wrong? Everything's fine, perfectly fine." Her voice broke and I frowned, watching her take an unsteady breath. "Nothing is wrong."
"Julie-"
"Stop." Her eyes shone suddenly, near tears.
"But-"
"Stop," she repeated. "God, you must drive the guys nuts."
"Don't get upset," I said softly. She never used to get this emotional. "Don't, Jules, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry ..." She wiped her eyes for a second and took a shaky breath. I was surprised when she dropped her napkin on the table and started to stand. "I think I'd better go." Her voice was strained.
"But, Julia-"
"Just don't." She was already pulling Shayla out of her booster seat and adjusting her bag on her shoulder. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Stop worrying, Kevy."
I sat there for a couple minutes after she left, just staring at her empty place. What the hell had just happened?
-
" ... I just wanted to say I was sorry. I guess I was just tired, it'd been a long day, I don't know. You've been so good to me, Kev, I appreciate it." A door slammed in the background. "I've gotta go, if you wanna try for dinner again sometime, just let me know, okay?" The answering machine beeped as the message cut off.
God, this girl had me lost.
That was two days ago. I had called her the day after, finding the number by the operator under Horton, but no one had answered. Now this.
"What do you think, Bri?"
Brian had come home with me after recording that day because Leighanne was out of town until that night, leaving him alone, and Kris was still out of town, leaving me alone. We might as well be alone together.
"I think you should take her out to dinner again. Maybe she was just having an off day and you made it even worse." The last part was delivered with a smile.
"Hey now."
"Seriously though, Kev." He pulled open my fridge. "She said she was having a long day, maybe that's all it was. Maybe that was what made it seem like something else was wrong."
"I guess you're right." But I knew it was something else. I watched him standing there with the open door and rolled my eyes. "What do you want, boy?" I pushed him out of the way.
"Coke."
I grabbed the bottle.
"In a glass." He paused. "With ice. And a straw."
I pushed the Coke bottle at him. "Knock yourself out."
"Gee thanks." He pulled a glass down from the cabinet. "What do you think is wrong?" He looked at me. "I know you don't think it's nothing."
"I wish I knew. Everytime I ask her she either blows up or breaks down." I sat down at the table tiredly. Thinking about it didn't exactly help me sleep the night before. "She used to tell me everything."
Brian shrugged and sat across from me. "Sooner or later you hit a point where you stop telling everybody everything."
"That I know." I definitely knew that. Look at him. At Nick, or even AJ. They used to spill it all. But even now if you pushed hard enough you'd get it from them. There was something different with Julia. I shook my head and reached for the phone. I would call just her.
"You want me to leave?"
I shook my head at him and dialed Julia's number. I was just overreacting. Nothing was wrong, but me and my worry would step in and widen the gap between us even more.
Four rings.
Five.
I clicked the phone off after eight and tossed it on the counter, frustrated. "Tell me to stop worrying, Bri-guy."
"Stop worrying, Kev," came his answer. "Really."
"Do you think she disappeared again?"
"No," Brian said slowly. He ran a hand through his mussed hair absently and I caught his blue eyes. He was worried too.
It was only later that night after Brian had gone home and I tried the number to call Julia again that things started to loosely come together. That time by the eighth ring, the phone was answered.
"Yeah?" A gruff-like voice I didn't recognize. Ray?
"Is Julia there?"
"Who the hell's this?" The voice was a little slurred.
"This is Kevin. Kevin Richardson. Is this Ray?"
"Look, Julia can't come to the phone right now, she's busy. I'll tell her you called."
"But-"
Dial tone interrupted me. I stared at the phone in disbelief as my stomach twisted.
People always say to follow your gut, your instinct. Whatever feeling you have, go on it. I guess that's what made me get in my truck and drive over to her place. My instinct told me something was wrong.
And something was.
Lights were on in the house, but when I knocked the first time, no one answered. I waited a minute, standing there on the step in debate with myself. I knocked louder.
"Who's it?" The door pulled open and I caught my first look at Ray. Tall and broad, with a face that would almost pass off as kind unless you looked him in the eye.
"It's Kevin."
"What the hell do you want, Kevin."
I looked past him into the house and caught a glimpse of Julia.
On the floor.
"You sick bastard," I started, taking a step forward.
"Julia's busy right now," he growled in my face, standing in my way. His breath smelled of alcohol. Something more than anger welled up inside of me.
"Get out," I said in a low voice.
"Excuse me?"
"Get. Out."
"This is my house, dammit."
I shoved past him, moving toward Julia. She was lying motionless on the floor, a small amount of blood near her head. I dropped to my knees next to her.
"Jules?"
She was unconscious.
I pulled out my cellphone as I heard the front door slam and a car start up in the driveway. I called an ambulance.
-
My mind was going on overdrive as I sat in the waiting room of the hospital. So this was it. Was I that dense that it took me this long to discover it? What if it was too late? Great job, Kevin, congratulations. This entire situation was sitting in front of front of you the whole time and you didn't even know. A guilty feeling sank to the pit of my stomach.
" 'Scuse me? Mister?"
I glanced up quickly, breaking out of my thoughts, but it was only a lady who wanted me to pass her a magazine. No news. I shoved the magazine at her.
"Thank you."
I just nodded, not returning the smile. She frowned a little but left me alone. I sat up a little and glanced around for Shayla. The volunteer at the desk had been nice enough to give her crayons and paper. The crayons were just little stubs, but Shayla was quite happy kneeling at the little table and coloring.
She had no idea what was happening. She was sound asleep in her room with the door closed when the ambulance came. I hadn't wanted to leave her so I took my car separately to the hospital. She didn't know why I was so upset or why her mom wasn't with us. I didn't know what to tell her. I wasn't sure what to tell myself.
I was mad at Ray, I was mad at myself. I was frustrated with the world.
I listened as the phone rang at the desk, hoping that this time it would be for me. It wasn't.
I looked down at the pale stained carpet and felt my eyes sting. Why was I so blind? If I had just taken the time over the past year, over the past week. Dropped by, called to check up ...
"Kev?"
I blinked and looked up. Nick. I'd forgotten that I'd even called him. I had wanted someone to watch Shayla so I didn't have to worry about her or what to do with her when Julia got a room and I could see her. I would have called Brian instead but this was the first night that Leigh was home in a couple days.
"Hey." He was standing there with this 'what the hell's going on' look on his face. I hadn't told him that much yet. "C'mere."
"What happened? Who's hurt?" He sank into the seat next to me and stared at me. I looked away and at Shayla.
"You think you can look after Shayla for awhile?"
"Yeah," he said slowly. "Kevin, what happened? Is it Julie?"
I nodded. "Her husband ..." I trailed off and glanced at his confused face for a second. I cursed under my breath and stared back at floor.
"He's ... he hurt her?"
"God, why did she stay with him," I muttered. "Why'd she tell me everything was okay?" Why, why, why. I felt like banging my head against the wall.
"Maybe she was afraid."
I glanced at him.
Maybe.
"Is she okay?"
"She will be."
"Is Shayla?"
"She doesn't even know," I answered, shaking my head. God, why did these things happen? Why ...
"Richardson? Kevin Richardson?"
The volunteer at the desk was holding the phone out to me. I jumped up to get it, leaving Nick behind.
"Hello?"
"Mr. Richardson, this is Dr. Marks. Julia's been tranferred up to Room 236. She's sleeping now, we got her all stitched up and it looks like she'll be alright."
"Can I go up?"
"Sure, I should be up there later to check on everything."
I thanked him and hung up the phone.
Now what. What do I do now.
I ran a hand through my hair and let out a breath.
"Nicky, can you ..."
"I got it, Kev, go ahead."
I took the walk up to the room kind of slow, trying to sort things out in my mind. I was confused and angry, not a good mixture. I didn't know what to say, what to feel, anything.
She looked so peaceful when I stepped into the room. Her face was relaxed, and it wasn't until then that I realized just how tense and anxious her expression had been all week.
I stood there for a second, staring at the white bandage that hid the ugly cut on the side of her head. The fading bruise on her cheekbone was even more visible against her pale skin. I had noticed that much, why hadn't I made the connection?
Why, why, why. Why does a beautiful, kind, understanding girl get treated like this? She deserved nothing but happiness, but look what she got instead. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat and stepped into the room, pulling one of the visitor's chair close to her bedside. I took her hand in mine as I sat, promising myself that I was going to hunt down Ray and kill him if it was the last thing I ever did.
"Kevin?" Her eyes fluttered open a second before I heard her weak voice.
"Hey, sweetheart, how're you feeling?"
"Alright ..." She glanced around the room, a frown passing over her features. "What happened?"
"Do you remember? You got hit over the head ..." I trailed off, watching her face.
"It was an accident. I remember."
"Julia." I shook my head. "How long? How long has he been hurting you?"
"It was a misunderstanding," she whispered. Her eyes had this desperate look. "We had an argument over ... It was a misunderstanding."
"How long has this been happening? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Nothing's been happening." Her voice was hoarse. "We had a little fight that's all. No big deal."
"Julia, no. Don't, you can't do this."
"I love him."
I shook my head. "You don't love him, that's not love. He doesn't love you, he-"
"Kevin, stop," she begged. "It's nothing, I'm fine."
"Don't be scared, Julie, I can-"
"It's always about you, isn't it?" Her eyes filled. "You don't know what's going on. You have no idea. Just leave me alone."
"It's not your fault," I said gently, lowering my voice. She looked across the room, staring at the wall. "Don't be scared, don't think you're trapped. Don't do this to yourself, Julia."
"I love him," she repeated. "You don't understand ..."
"You have to help me. Help me understand. Help me figure out how to help you."
"I don't need help," she answered softly, a tear spilling down her cheek as she looked back at me. She caught my eye suddenly. "Where's Shayla?"
"With Nicky. She's fine."
Julia nodded. Why was she doing this to herself? I felt powerless. Completely and utterly powerless. I didn't like it.
"Jules, I love you. I don't want to see you hurting anymore. You can't-"
"Don't ruin everything, Kevin ..." Her voice was barely audible. "You don't understand. We worked so hard, he's done so much for me, so much for Shayla ..."
"You think you owe him? Is that it? You don't, Julia. You don't have to stay with him. Don't forget what love is."
"I know what love is," she interrupted. "Good night, Kevin." She turned her head away from me, and I saw another tear fall onto the pillow.
I shut my eyes tightly for a second. When I opened them she hadn't moved.
"Julie-"
"Good night," she whispered.
"Good night," I repeated, leaning forward and kissing her cheek gently. "I love you."
She didn't answer.
-
"What're you gonna do now?"
"Go home."
We stood in the light of one of the lampposts of the hospital parking lot, and for some reason, Nick didn't look like he wanted me to go anywhere.
"That's it?" he asked.
"Yeah, that's it. What else?"
"I don't know. Go to someone's house and- I don't know." He just looked at me.
I shook my head. Although I couldn't be honest and say the thought hadn't crossed my mind.
"Do you want to stay with me?" he offered.
"Nick, no. Why?"
"I don't know, Kev. It's just last time I saw you like this was- Well I don't even know but I'm sure it wasn't good either and I just don't want you to go out and do something that you're gonna regret."
"I'm not gonna do something I'm gonna regret."
"Well then something I might regret."
"Nicky, I'm gonna go straight home. With Shay. I'm gonna go to sleep. Okay?"
He nodded.
"But thanks, bro. I appreciate it."
"Yeah, well." He looked up at the sky. "I just don't want to hear you complaining tomorrow."
He had to keep things light. I almost smiled.
"You won't. Where'd you park?"
"Other side." He motioned loosely with his free arm.
"Want a lift?"
"Nah, I'll walk. Call me if you need anything."
"I will." I held out my arms for Shayla and he handed over the sleeping girl gently. "Go home and get some sleep. Thanks for coming out."
"Anytime."
I walked slowly to my truck after he went his own way. God ...
I couldn't help but keep wondering how this was happening. Or why. Why did such bad things always happen to good people? I knew that somehow, some way, everything had its reason, but sometimes I really wondered.
But if there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that I couldn't just stand back and let it happen, over and over. I'd already made the mistake of letting it go this far, and that was enough. There's just this sickening feeling somewhere on the brink of anger and sorrow that fills you when you see someone you love go through pain. And once you feel it, you never want to feel it again. I'd felt it enough.
I turned the keys in the ignition and flipped off the radio so Shayla would keep sleeping. I stared at her peaceful face a minute before I pulled out of the parking lot and started home.
"Momma?"
Shayla's blue eyes were just starting to open when I finally got her to one of my guestrooms and was pulling down the comforter. I laid her down gently and reached for a sneaker clad foot.
"Mommy's not here right now, you're staying at my place, okay?"
She nodded slightly and when her deep eyes met mine I wondered if she knew. You always wonder what exactly going through a child's head sometimes. I looked away and pulled off the one sneaker, starting to unlace the other.
"Do you want anything before you go to bed?" I asked softly.
She shook her head and I tossed the tiny white sneaker next to its partner on the floor, starting to pull up the comforter.
"If you need me I'm right across the hall, okay?" I motioned with my hand towards the door and she nodded solemnly. "Okay then. Night, sweetie."
"Night," she repeated as I leaned down and kissed her forehead. As I stood up and started for the door I heard her tiny voice again. "C'I have a lights night?"
"A nightlight?" I repeated, smiling slightly. "Okay ... Hang on." I left the light on and went across the hall to the bathroom, hoping to find a nightlight in the plug where I thought there was one.
And lucky enough there was. I pulled it out and started back.
"There you go," I said, sticking it in the plug along the wall closest to Shayla's bed. "That good?"
She nodded.
"Okay, good. Night night."
"Night," came the soft reply. I flipped off the ceiling light and turned away. "Kev?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Mommy always ..."
"What's Mommy do?" I came closer to the bed again and squatted to her level.
"Mommy always sings me sleep."
I smiled sadly. "She does, does she. What's she sing you?"
"She sings ..." Shayla paused that way four year olds do and said something really softly.
"Goodnight my angel?" I made out. She nodded. "Well you know what."
"What?" she whispered.
"I think I can do that for you." I saw her smile slightly and pulled her covers up, telling her to close her eyes.
She did and I started to sing Billy Joel's Lullabye softly.
"Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes and save these questions for another day ... I think you know what you've been asking me, I promised I would never leave you ... And you should always know wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away ..."
Her breathing was soft and easy before I got any further, and I smiled down at her sadly. I hoped that Julia would be able to keep that promise to her.
I fixed the comforter again and straightened up as tears suddenly pricked my eyes. I wiped them away hastily and left the room. Damn.
I didn't know what to do with myself after that, so finally I changed into sweats and t-shirt and laid down on top of my own bed, flipping on the TV restlessly.
I wanted to watch anything to keep my mind distracted, but when the choice came down to dog competitions and deep sea fishing shows I flipped it off and stared at the ceiling.
Damn, damn, damn.
I rolled sideways and reached for the phone sitting on the nightable, dialing by heart a number I didn't even have to look at the keypad anymore to make out.
A tired voice answered and I smiled.
"Kris ..."
-
"What do you mean she dropped the charges?"
"I mean the charges have been dropped sir," the crackly voice said over the phoneline. I cursed and hit the wall next to me in frustration. And I thought we had finally gotten somewhere the last few days. Since the visit to the hospital I had been doing everything I could to try and get Julia safe.
"Do you think that we can undrop them?"
"I'm sorry sir, but that's not up to you, that's up to-"
"I know, I know ..." I had already been this the first time around, trying to get Julia to make the charges at all. Good God. "Well thanks for your time."
"You're welcome, sir." And the man hung up instantly. I guess he knew that I would start something if he didn't.
"Dammit." I threw the phone toward the couch in aggravation, almost hitting Brian in the process. He caught it and raised an eyebrow.
"Strike one. Batter up."
"More like strike three," I muttered.
"What happened?"
"Well, you know how Julie finally decided to press charges?" I grabbed a water bottle and sank into the couch next to Brian with a sigh.
"Yeah ... What, no good?"
"It would have been fine except she dropped them."
"Oh." Brian's forehead creased. "Maybe he found out."
"That's what I'm thinking."
Brian shook his head. "That guy is so ..." He trailed off, but the expression on his face was one of disgust.
"I know."
"Why doesn't she come stay with us for awhile and that way she can press the charges without him getting in the way?"
"I wish it was that simple, pal, but she doesn't seem to ... I don't know. It's like she's ..."
"Afraid?" Brian offered, looking at me.
"I know she's afraid. But you can't just stay afraid. You have to do something."
"It's not so easy in this sort of thing ..."
"Brian, I know that. But this isn't the sort of thing that is just going to solve itself over time. It only gets worse. One time she's not going to just-" I cut myself off, taking a breath. It wasn't going to come to that.
"It won't come to that," Brian said, as if reading my mind.
"Right," I said slowly, giving his leg a pat. I popped open the cap on my water bottle absently. It wasn't going to come to that, it wasn't going to come to that.
It wasn't going to get that far out of hand. It couldn't.
I was still repeating that to myself later that night at home when the doorbell rang.
"Julia?"
"Kev ..."
She stood there, this lost look on her face. A tired Shayla stood at her side holding on to her sleeve. I quickly pulled the door open wider, stepping backwards.
"C'mon, come in. How's it going?"
"Alright, it's going alright," she said, and that forced smile soon followed right behind the statement. I shut the door behind them and motioned her more inside, hoisting Shayla up as I went.
"That's good." I wasn't going to press. That was my problem. Pressing. The more you ask, the less of a response you're likely to get. Or so it seemed.
"Mm-hmm." She seemed distracted.
"Take a seat ... You want anything? Something to drink?"
Julia sank down onto a couch. She seemed so tired. "Okay." She nodded.
"What do you want?"
"Do you have tea?"
"Sure." There was something about women and tea. "C'mon Shayla, we'll go make Mommy tea. We'll be right back. "
I watched Julia as she nodded again and then leaned back and shut her eyes.
In the kitchen, I put on some water to boil and grabbed a mug out of the cabinet. Then I had to search for the teabags I knew Kris had somewhere, finally finding some after a few minutes.
"Shay, you want something to drink?" I asked absently as I pulled open the paper and dropped a bag into the mug.
"Kitty," I heard as a response. When I turned to look Shayla's curious eyes were on my black cat, who had just poked his head into the kitchen.
"Yeah, it's a kitty. That's Quincy."
"Quincy," her tiny voice repeated. "Kitty, c'mere."
Quincy's green eyes watched her for a minute and then he moved forward, I guess seeing she was harmless. Her little hand got to pet him a couple times but then he decided food was more important and started toward his bowl. Shayla was set on keeping petting him, but I called her back.
"C'mon, sweetie, you want something to drink?" The water was whistling, so I grabbed it off the burner and poured it into the mug. "Shay?" I looked at her and she shook her head no.
"Thanks, Kev," Julia breathed when I placed the mug into her hands only a minute later. She held it under her chin but didn't sip it yet. "That's good ..."
"Kris always likes a cup of tea too," was all I said as I gave Shayla a hand trying to get into my lap. Julia watched with a faint smile as her daughter settled in on me.
"She always liked you." Julia nodded slightly and took a slow sip of the tea. I could see steam radiating from the mug. "You're gonna be great with kids."
I smiled at that. "I hope so."
"You will be. And hey, you've got practice anyway, look at the guys."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh yes, raising teenage boys should be a cinch now."
She smiled.
"Listen, Julia ... We need to talk."
"I know. I know we do." Her eyes drifted around the room with that same haunted look. It was almost like she was a different person. On the outside was the same, but on the inside ...
"Did something happen tonight?"
"Hm?" She looked up at me. "Oh no. Of course not. I just ... needed to get away."
I nodded slightly. In other words, something happened. "Want to stay the night? We have guestrooms. All made up and everything."
"I hate putting you out, Kevin." This time she looked straight at me.
I forced a laugh. "Putting me out? You're crazy, Jules. It's no problem. I swear."
Stay, please stay.
She still seemed hesitant.
"I could use the company ..."
"Oh alright. I'm gonna repay you someday, Kevy," she said with a smile. "Just wait."
I shook my head and returned the smile. "Don't. What else are friends for?"
She didn't seem to have an answer for that.
"And besides, we have to talk. That could take all night in itself." I was only half teasing.
"I doubt it."
I shifted in my seat as Shayla settled into the crook of my arm. She was asleep. "Can I ask you a question?" I waited for Julia to give a nod. "What do you see in him, Julia?"
She started shaking her head immediately. "He's a good guy, Kevin. You don't know him."
"No," I allowed slowly. "I don't. But I know you. And I know he's hurting you. I'm not about to sit back and watch him do that, I can't."
"He's not ..." Her face was turned downward, as if she was studying her tea to find some sort of reasoning or way to enlighten me. I doubted she was going to find it. "You don't understand."
"Explain it to me."
"Kevin."
"Julia. Tell me. I'm in the dark here. Whatever it is that's holding you with this guy, tell me."
She had shut her eyes and was breathing in deeply.
"How long are you gonna let this keep happening? I can help you, I can-"
"This isn't about you."
"No, it's about you. So start thinking about you for once."
She looked at me finally and her eyes filled. "I ... I'm going to put Shayla to bed," she whispered, putting her tea down for the first time. I let out a long breath as she took the child from my arms.
Damn.
Damn, damn, damn.
This had to stop. But I felt like I was at some sort of dead end and for some reason, I couldn't turn around. We used to be so close. Had it been that long that I couldn't even talk to her anymore? I hadn't thought that much time had passed.
But then again, I remembered back to our first tour when the boys and me had said we were going to take it one day at a time and remember every moment. Next thing we knew we were waking up and six months had gone by. Time can steal a lot of things from you when you're not looking. Sometimes before you even realize you have them.
I shook my head and closed my eyes for a second. It wasn't going to get out of hand, it wasn't going to get out of hand.
It was already pretty out of hand.
"Kev?"
"Mm?" I opened my eyes. She was back.
"I put her in the room across from yours, is that okay?"
I nodded. "That's fine. That's where she was last time."
"Oh good." Julia nodded slightly, her soft voice seeming even softer. She seemed to be taking her time getting back to her seat on the couch. "You still play?" Her eyes were on my baby grand.
"Mm-hmm."
"Can you play something for me?"
"Course."
She was watching my face. "But you still want to talk first ..."
I guess I was pretty readable.
"Listen, Kev." She picked up her mug of tea again, holding it in both her hands and leaning forward slightly on the couch. "I don't think you're going to understand ..."
"Just tell me the story. Tell me what's going on. That's all I care about."
She studied her tea again. "Well, like I told you, I met Ray in California. Things hadn't been working out and I was at the end of the rope out here, it just wasn't working. I just took out my savings and booked my dream trip to California."
The words 'dream trip' sounded bitter.
"I had nothing. I wanted to start something new, you know? For Shayla. And then I met Ray ... He seemed to understand. He supported me, got me started. He loved me." She wasn't looking at me.
If he loved her, he wouldn't hit her. But I didn't say that, as much as I wanted to. I just nodded, trying to encourage her to keep talking.
"Things didn't work out exactly the way I thought they would, but things never really do anyway, so that much was kind of expected." Her eyes started to fill again.
"Oh Julie ..."
She smiled sadly. "It's alright, Kevy. It's fine."
"It's not fine," I said softly. "It's not fine at all."
"We're going through some tough spots and all, but we're pulling through." Her voice was straining. "We're pulling through," she repeated. "I love him. " Suddenly, she was in tears.
I quickly moved in next to her on the couch, gently pulling her into a hug. She never used to be this emotional. I let her cry, not saying anything for a long time.
After a few minutes I cleared my throat. "Jules, I love you. I can't keep watching this happen, seeing you hurting. Will you let me help you?"
She didn't answer right away. "We've worked so hard, Kevin ..."
"You deserve better."
She sniffled, pulling back from me and getting to her feet slowly. She looked pale. "You know what I keep thinking?"
I frowned slightly. "What?"
She shook her head, and I almost thought I saw a slight smile through her tears. A sad smile. "I keep thinking ... I should have married you back when I had the chance."
And she left the room.
I stared at the empty doorway for a long time, not knowing what to do.
-
The days after that were kind of strange.
I never brought up those last words and although Julia seemed even more distant, she also didn't seem to be so far out of reach. She was keeping in touch, not a tremendous amount but she was, and it was better than not hearing from her at all.
"Earth to Kevin ... Kev ..."
I looked up finally. "What?"
Brian was shaking his head at me from a chair on the other side of the small studio. "You've finally become a hard of hearing, senile old man." His voice was serious.
"If I were next to you, Brian, I swear ..."
That of course only made him laugh.
"Hey Kev," Nick interrupted. "We got the final touches on the track, you wanna hear?"
Howie was frowning. "No, we d-"
"Yes Howie, yes we did." Nick sent him a look and I knew whatever it was, it wasn't going to be for real. There went the 'surprise' of the joke. But I just leaned back in my chair and nodded.
"Sure."
Nick flipped a switch and I heard the opening notes of one of the songs we were working on. I waited silently and then chuckled. He'd made us sound like chipmunks; the voices were about ten times higher than normal.
"Funny, bro." I put on a look of amusement because I knew he was trying to make me laugh. It wasn't working, but I could pretend it was.
"You're supposed to laugh," he told me. "If it's funny."
"It's funny. I'm laughing on the inside."
"No you're not, you're all serious on the inside."
He had me there.
"Are you still worrying about Julia?"
I gave him a look. The way he said still made it sound as if the range of time designated for worrying was over and done with. I knew he didn't mean it that way, but that's still how it came across.
"I was just asking," he muttered, turning his attention on something else. Or at least pretending to.
I didn't answer, I just let it be.
Brian was giving me a look now, as if to say, 'What'd you have to go and do that for'. I just shrugged at him. My mind was just too much on other things to think about it.
"Are we done here?" Nick was asking. He was turning all the equipment off without even waiting for an answer, but I didn't say anything. I was done.
-
I had a cookout at my place. I needed an excuse to see her without making it seem obvious that I wanted to. So I figured getting everyone together and not just her would be a good an excuse as any. Or at least seem to be.
"Here ..."
AJ was holding out a beer to me so I took it. Contemplating time was over.
"What's up, Ajer."
AJ pulled up a chair next to mine. "New tactic?"
"What do you mean?"
He leaned back, his beer close to his lips. "I mean you're not talking to her. I haven't even seen you guys close to each other."
I shrugged.
"Is she getting help?"
I shrugged again.
"Productive week, huh."
"I don't know, Aje. I'm backing off a little, okay? I don't know what else to do."
AJ rocked a little in his chair. "It's cool," he said softly.
"No ... what're you thinking?"
"I don't know, man. It's just ... Okay, so you're giving her space to make her own decision and that's fine, you know, it's her life. But okay so she decides to get help and get away from the guy, now's not the time to start backing out the support."
"I'm not backing out."
AJ raised an eyebrow at me.
"I'm not, Aje."
"I didn't say you were." He took a drink. "Just don't go avoiding it. Avoiding her."
"I'm not avoiding her, I'm just ..." I trailed off.
"Keeping your distance."
"Right."
AJ shook his head slightly.
"Alright already. I see your point."
"I knew you weren't that hard to get through to, old man."
"Thanks. And except for that last comment I'm serious."
AJ rocked his chair back again. "All in a day's work."
"Psh," I said with a chuckle. I caught his arm before the chair went back a little far. "You think she's doing better?"
AJ's eyes seemed to follow her. "She looks better."
"I think so too."
"Maybe she just needed some time."
"Maybe."
"What had you backing out?"
"I wasn't backing out."
"Oh please Kev."
I shrugged slightly. "I don't know, man. The other day when she was at my place ... She just reminded me of back when we were together and I got to thinking of how things might have been. It kind of scared me."
AJ had a feigned look of horror. "I'm calling Kris." He was pulling out his cell phone.
I hit his arm. "AJ, be serious."
"I am, I'm sorry." He shoved the cell phone back into his pocket. "I know what you mean ... But it's the same thing you've been tellin' us. Things happen for a reason." He frowned and pulled his hat down over his face. "Good Lord, I sound like you..."
I smiled slightly at that.
"But they do, right? If you guys were together you would have never met Kris."
"Right," I allowed.
"And um, a lot of other stuff."
I chuckled. "Yeah, a lot of other stuff."
"It's true."
"Yeah, it's true."
"See, I know what I'm talking about."
"Sometimes you do, Aje."
He made a face at me.
"Thanks, buddy," I said seriously.
"Uh huh." AJ wasn't much on compliments, from me at least, so he started to get up. "Go talk to her before Nick and Brian make her crazy."
"They're good. They've been making her laugh." But I went to go save her anyway.
-
"Can I talk to you?"
She kind of caught me off guard. Not in a bad way, I just wasn't expecting to talk that night. I had wanted to, but it was entirely different than what I expected.
"Sure, Jules."
I think we were all tired. The guys were kind of just off by themselves, which left it pretty much her and me.
"I've been thinking ..." Julia sank slowly into the seat next to me. "I've been thinking a lot lately, about things. About where I am, where things are going. Well I'm not too sure where things are going."
The was a second of silence.
"Well and I've been thinking about Shayla ... Things should be better for her."
I nodded slightly. And herself, but I didn't say that.
"There was this place ... They had this lady come talk to me in the hospital, and she told me about this place I could go. With Shayla. And I've been thinking a lot about it."
"You think you're going to go?"
"I'm thinking I should give it a try ... at least. Things right now aren't the way I want them to be, they're not the way I imagined they'd be." Her face was sad. "I want to try and change that ..."
I nodded again. "Jules, I just want you to know I'm here for you. If you ever need anything, ever, just name it."
Her eyes welled up slightly. "Well that's what I wanted to ask. It's hard, Kev. I don't know how things got this way. I really don't."
I pulled her into an embrace. "Don't worry about that. They're gonna change, that's all that matters ..."
"If you can ... I just wanna know if you'll be there. In case this doesn't work out ..."
"Every second. Kris too, if you need a girl to talk to."
She smiled slightly at that.
"Thanks for being there this far," she said softly.
"Anytime, I love you. I don't want to see things go wrong."
She shook her head slightly. "Sometimes things change before you even have time to appreciate them for what they are ... I think that's what happened."
I wasn't sure if she was talking about us and our relationship, or Ray.
"Jules?"
"Mm?"
"I'm glad you're doing something."
She was quiet for a moment. "Me too," she said finally.
I got to thinking about what she said later that night. And I knew she was right. You couldn't just let time run away with everything, again and again. Not like that.
I think that was something she knew all along. Things would change, it might be a slow process, but it that's what it took, then that's what it took. It had gone that far already.
I was flipping through the TV, but nothing was on. And I couldn't sleep.
So I dialed the familiar numbers on the phone, waiting for someone to pick up. I heard a voice three rings later.
"Kris ..."
The End