I LOVE YOU CAME TOO LATE
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It's strange sometimes the way things work out. You go on never knowing how perfect things really are until they're gone. And you find out you never knew you wanted them to last forever either. It's just one of those stupid thoughts that hits you after your chance to make it happen is over.

The day started out as any other day did, which just goes to show that you never know when all hell will break loose. I sure didn't. I was too high on cloud nine to take a look down at anything else around me.

Her name was Rose, and she was just as beautiful as the flower itself. Her hair was long and dark, and would cascade down her back in soft long curls. I'd lost myself in her eyes uncountable times, they were like the deepest depths of the ocean. But it wasn't her beauty that attracted me. She was indescribable. I had never met anyone like her in my entire life. And I never will.

She was one of the only people that liked me for me, and I knew it too because the first time we met she had no idea who I was. That was a month ago, and I count every day since then a blessing. I had never been so happy in my life. I had thought things were finally working out. I still think they were.

I woke up that morning wanting to do something special. To celebrate. What, I don't know. Love? Happiness? Whatever it was, I wanted to do something. So I called up Rose, told her to come over in an hour, and got in a rush to make things perfect.

My place was kind of messy, so I spent awhile picking it up and getting it presentable. She'd seen it all messy before, but I wanted it to be special. So I stuffed a lot of the stuff in the closet in the hall, reminding myself to be careful the next time I opened it. When I finished with that, I grabbed my keys off the counter and glanced at the clock before heading out the door. I drove into town to finish the last few touches.

The first place I headed was this small jewelry store on the far side of town. I'd gotten an idea a few days ago and had gone there to get a custom ring made. When the guy handed the small velvet box to me, I opened it with one hand. It was a thin silver ring with a small amethyst stone inserted in the side. On the underside, it was engraved with the words: Rose - Forever I love you. 5-24-00. Thee date was the day I first met her. It was gorgeous. I thanked the guy quickly and headed out, placing the ring back in the small box and putting it in my coat pocket.

Next stop was this deli on the other part of town. Okay, I admit it wasn't fancy or anything, but that was her favorite place to go eat, and if that was what she liked, then things didn't have to get fancy. I was more than happy myself. So I picked up two subs, bought a single rose at the grocery, and headed back to my place with fifteen minutes to spare.

To compromise the lunch, I set the table with a long white table cloth and two tall red candles. In a tall glass vase, I set the rose in the middle and sat back to admire my work. Simple, yet effective. Just the way I liked it. I tossed my sunglasses on the counter as a knock came at the door and jumped up to answer it.

"AJ," she greeted with that smile of hers. I had to smile back. "What's all this ...?"

"I'm treating you to lunch," I answered smoothly, pulling her inside and silencing her with a kiss. When we pulled apart, she looked up at me with another smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.

"You shouldn't have ..."

"I wanted to," I replied, pulling her inside to the table and pulling out a chair. "My lady." She laughed softly. "Your beauty far surpasses this flower, my Rose."

"AJ, you're too much," she laughed as I sat across from her.

"I know." I shrugged with a grin. She smiled.

"And what's for lunch?"

"A rare delicacy," I started, pulled the cover off of the tray I had set up to reveal the subs. "Hm?" I laughed.

"My favorite," came her reply. I set her plate in front of her and took mine, putting the tray on the floor to make more room. I watched her face as I started to unwrap mine, just smiling. She looked up at me. "You're happy today, AJ."

"I'm just happy to see you. I missed you." I'd only seen her last night, but hey. It was true.

"I missed you too," came her soft reply. She always spoke so lightly. She chewed a bite of her sandwich carefully. "Why don't we spend today together? Go somewhere?"

"Definitely," I said readily. "Where do you want to go?" I would have gone anywhere as long as it was the two of us.

"I don't know," she said with a laugh. "Let's go to the aquarium." I grinned.

"Sounds good." That girl was in love with anything having to do with the ocean. "And then the beach."

"And watch the sunset." She paused with a smile. "And then we'll come back here."

"And then we'll get ice cream," I added. "From that place you like."

"Okay." She smiled at me. "That sounds wonderful," she said with a laugh. "But first let's finish lunch ..."

"Whatever you say, Rosie." She made a face at the nickname and I just gave her an innocent smile, taking a huge bite of my sandwich. She rolled her eyes at me.

"Alex."

"Yes, Rosie?" I played along.

She let out a breath, but wasn't able to keep from smiling.

We were quiet as we ate for the upcoming minutes, and I decided I would give her the ring at the beach. It would be romantic, during a sunset and everything. She would love it.

We didn't talk much after that, but we didn't need to. I was thinking about tonight, and I'm not sure what she was thinking about. I was just enjoying her company. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that happy. So we finished lunch in silence.

We decided to meet at the aquarium in an hour, she wanted to change into more casual clothes, and I had to run a few errands. I kissed her at the door.

"Thanks for lunch," she whispered.

"Thanks for coming." I kissed her again. "I'll see you in a few."

"Yup." We paused, not knowing whether to say anything else. "See you ..." I watched her disappearing figure before closing the door.

We never said goodbye.

-

I was a couple minutes early when I got to the aquarium, so I wasn't worried when I saw that she wasn't there. I grabbed a spot on one of the benches outside and watched the people go by. I liked watching the little kids; they came running toward the building with the biggest smiles on their baby faces.

I leaned forward on my knees and squinted into the sun through my glasses. It was a hot one today. My tank top was already sticking to me from just sitting here. The heat felt good though so I didn't move.

Fifteen minutes past the meeting time. I hadn't run into any traffic on the way over here, and I knew there wouldn't be any coming from her place. What could be keeping her? Maybe she couldn't decide on what to wear or something. She usually wasn't like that though.

Twenty minutes. I looked at my beeper in case it had gone off and I hadn't been paying any attention, but there was nothing new. I sighed and leaned back against the bench, glancing into the crowd. No Rose anywhere.

Thirty minutes. I finally got up and checked inside the front lobby area of the aquarium in case she had somehow passed me and was waiting in there. No such luck. I left the air conditioning and went back to my bench, sitting back down.

Forty five minutes. I was starting to get a little worried. I pulled out my cell and touched the number for her speed dial. When no one picked up, I tried her car phone. Nothing. My stomach was starting to get a little uneasy.

The minutes soon turned into an hour and I was tapping my fingers against the side of the wooden bench anxiously. Where was she, where was she? It wasn't funny anymore, Rose. Seriously.

I was getting really anxious by that time, so I took out my cell and tried calling the guys. I had introduced Rose to them and they had gotten friendly with her, so I figured she might have called one of them if she couldn't get in touch with me. The only one who picked up was Kev.

"AJ, man, where are you?"

"Kev?" I frowned and switched the phone to my other ear. "Kev, did Rosie call you about our plans or anything?" There was a long pause. "Kev, you there?"

"Actually, something about your plans came up ...-"

"Did she cancel or something? I thought she had my cell number, but maybe I never gave it to her."

"Jays, I gotta talk to you, buddy. Where are you?"

"The aquarium. I'm gonna stick around and wait for Rose though, ok? So you wanna come here?"

"Yeah. I'll be right over," Kevin said after a pause.

"Okay." I flipped the phone off and stuck it in my pocket. I'd have to make sure to tell Rose the number. In case something bad ever happened, she'd need to know it to get in touch.

By the time Kev showed, I was a mixture of annoyance and worry. I jumped up when I saw him, but he kind of pushed me back down.

"Just sit, okay? We gotta talk ..."

"About what?" I watched him sit down next to me. "Tell me what Rosie said first though so I can stop worrying."

"I didn't talk to Rose."

"But our plans ..." I watched his face and frowned. What the hell?

"I don't even know what to say," he said. I finally noticed how upset he looked.

"Kev?" My mind started going. "Is it one of the guys? Are they okay? Is it Kristin?"

"No, they're all good," he said slowly. I let out a breath. Okay then ... "I'm just gonna come right out with it, baby. Rose's mother called ..." He paused. "She couldn't get in touch with you. There was an accident-" I jumped up.

"What hospital?" I demanded as he caught me by the belt. "Where?"

"AJ, sit. No hospital. She's ..." He trailed off and I stared at him incredulously. Did he mean that she was...

I couldn't say it. I jumped back up away from him. "Bullshit, Kevin. Not funny. Who's idea was this? Nick's? I'll kill him. It's not funny."

"AJ, c'mere. I'm sorry, buddy."

"I'm not falling for it like a loser," I answered backing away when he stood up. I spun around and headed for the aquarium entrance. I heard him following and held back my anger. I wasn't falling for it.

"AJ ... AJ!" I took off in the direction of the beluga whales. They were Rose's favorites. It was always the first place she would want to go when we came here. Right before dolphins. I reached the tank and looked at the sign but my eyes blurred and I couldn't read it. I wiped them hastily and leaned my forehead against the side of the glass tank. I wasn't going to fall for it. "Aje."

"Kevin, stop. Please." He didn't know when to quit with a joke. None of the guys did. Sure, jokes were funny at first, but then they got annoying. "Please," I repeated. His hand touched the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry, AJ. No joke, buddy."

"Was she gonna call back?" If she cancelled, I know she'd want to reschedule. "Did you give her my cell?"

"C'mon, I'll drive you home."

"That's okay, I wanna drop by her place. I have to give her something." The ring. I remembered the ring. Should I wait for the beach?

"I'll drive," Kevin repeated. "You can come to my place. I was gonna have all us guys over."

"That's okay," I answered. "I'm gonna do my own thing tonight. " I felt him grab my upper arm and I spun away from the tank, shoving him away roughly. "Get off."

"Don't fight me, AJ, please. C'mon, let's go."

"I should really wait for her." He took my arm again. "C'mon, Kev," I whined. "Be a pal." My voice broke. "No joke?"

"No, I wish it was ... Okay, buddy. I'll drive you where you wanna go. C'mon." I started walking with him toward the exit, taking a last look at the small pale whales. One of them swam near where I had been standing.

When we got to the parking lot, I automatically started in the direction of my car, but Kev grabbed my arm again gently, leading me in the direction of his truck. I didn't argue him on it.

"I'll drive you back to get your car tomorrow," he said as he started the engine. "Where do you wanna go?"

"Your place," I told him, looking out the window. So you can tell me when this joke is over.

When we pulled out onto the road, I dug my cell phone out of my pocket and started to roll down the window. Kevin shot me a glance.

"What're you doing?" When he saw my intention, he reached across for the phone, but I chucked it out the window before he touched it.

"It didn't work," I said in response to his muttered curse. Obviously if Rosie didn't call me to let me know she'd be late, then it was broken.

"Shut the window." What, did he think I was gonna throw something else out there? I rolled it back up silently. "AJ-"

"You know, Kev," I interrupted softly. "Sometimes I wonder ..." I trailed off.

"Wonder what?" he asked gently. I opened my mouth to answer and then shut it.

I suddenly didn't know what I wondered anymore. I wondered when this joke would be over and when I could give Rose her ring. I wondered if we could continue on tomorrow. When we could we redo our plans.

"This sucks," I said aloud.

"Yeah, it does ..." There was a long pause and I started to fiddle with the radio. "Look, Bone-"

"I guess I'll call her tonight and we can do it tomorrow instead. Or whenever," I said, stopping on some R&B station. I heard Kevin sigh. "It's no big deal. We have forever, you know?" Forever. Like how it was engraved in the ring. But Kevin didn't answer. Before I knew it we were pulling up his driveway and I suddenly wished I had asked him to take me home instead.

"You coming?" I realized he was already out of the truck with his door open, so I stopped staring at the dashboard and opened my own door slowly, sliding out.

"Brian's here?" I noticed the extra car as I slammed my door shut.

"Yeah, he tried to get dinner out of me, the mooch," Kev said. "I was gonna call Nick and 'D. You wanna have a cookout or something? We're all in town for once. Just us guys." I just shrugged.

"AJ, you doin' okay?" Brian was sitting in the family room watching some game on TV when we came inside, but he turned it lower when we came in and shifted around to face us.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I grabbed a seat on the other end of the couch, not missing the confused look he shot Kev at my words. They were really carrying this joke a little too far.

"I'm gonna go give Nick and Howie a call," Kevin said slowly, breaking the sudden silence. He disappeared to the kitchen, leaving Brian and me alone. I started playing with the arm of the couch as the silence took over once again.

"AJ, I'm so sorry ..." I glanced at Brian and saw the concerned look that passed over his face.

"Don't be. It's no big deal." Enough kidding around, guys. I wondered if Nick and Howie would be playing along too. Rose must be loving this. Wherever she was hiding out.

"But ..." The look on Brian's face was priceless, but I started to get kind of worried because I had never seen him this serious before. Ever. The thought crossed my mind that maybe it wasn't a joke after all, but I tossed that notion aside. That wouldn't happen. It couldn't.

I was silent when Kevin came back, and the two of them started watching the game together. After awhile, I couldn't take it anymore. I started thinking too much. So I got up and went to the kitchen to grab a beer. I was confused. I just needed something to drink. To get my mind off of things. Life in general.

"AJ!" I didn't even know that Nick had gotten there until I heard his voice. I spun around from staring into space and immediately got caught in a hug. The kid was really too affectionate sometimes. Okay, so I hadn't seen you in almost a week. I missed you too. Move on. "You okay?" he was asking immediately as I pulled away.

"Yeah, fine. You? Want a beer?" I tossed him one before he could answer.

"Sure ..."

"Howie here?"

"Yeah, he just got here, he-"

I left before he even finished. 'D would tell me what was going on. He wouldn't lie.

"AJ, you doing alright?" Or would he? I shied away as he squeezed my shoulder gently, and went outside on the back patio. I had some serious doubts right around then.

I walked around the perimeter of the brick patio, just staring at the pool. I almost felt like swimming, but at the same time I didn't. I was too lazy. So instead I just chugged the rest of my beer and tossed the can on the grass.

"Hey, no littering."

I spun around. "Dammit, Kevin, stop following me."

"I'm not following you, I came out to start the grill. If you don't wanna be with me, then stay away from the grill."

"Okay." I stayed where I was and saw him smile slightly. Bastard. I kicked my can further out onto the grass and grabbed a chair as he shot me one of his looks. "So, how's life?"

"It's goin'," he answered. I nodded and leaned my chair back. I looked out on the horizon and saw the sun sinking a little lower. Sunsets lasted awhile out here. It was pretty, but I could only think one thing. I shouldn't be watching it here. I shouldn't be with the guys. I should be on the beach. With my girl. Giving her the ring ... Telling her I loved her for the first time.

"Maybe this isn't a good idea. Could you drive me back to my car?" I looked at Kev and he stared back at me.

"No," came the simple answer.

"Drive me back." It wasn't a question this time.

"AJ, don't-"

"I'll get Nick to drive me."

"He won't."

"Yeah, he will," I argued. I'd make him. "Look, Kevin ..."

"Where're you gonna go?" he interrupted.

"My place." A different tactic is not going to work here, Kevin. Don't even try.

"And do what? Sit there? Stare at the wall?" Okay, so maybe he had a point. I stayed silent and turned my attention on the bright sky, which looked like blue canvas smeared with red, yellow, gold, and orange paint. "Look, AJ, don't. Please." There was a pause and I finally looked at him. "Hamburger or hotdog?"

I gave up. "Hamburger." I sighed. "And don't burn it," I muttered, getting up to go back inside. I needed another beer. I didn't need to watch the sunset.

-

I don't really remember much more of that night except that I had quite a few more beers after that second one. I wasn't really paying much attention to any of the other guys, mostly because there was something in the back of my mind telling me what they said was all true. So instead of listening, I tried to drink it away.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up on the couch in Kevin's family room. Everything around me was all dark, the only light was the reflection of the moon in the window. And it was there that it suddenly hit me. She was gone. She wasn't coming back, it wasn't a joke. If you think that going to sleep will make all your problems disappear when you wake up, you're wrong. You wake up to reality, nothing else. If anything, things are worse.

"Oh God ..." I tried to swallow back the lump in my throat and took a shaky breath. She was gone. I shut my eyes against the tears welling up and choked. She wasn't coming back. Stuff like this just doesn't happen. Not to me. Not again.

I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I just grabbed the pillow that someone had left for me and cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. It didn't make me feel any better, in fact I just felt worse. I felt depressed and alone. So I sat there and stared at the wall through red-rimmed eyes, wondering what the point was. When everyone you loved was torn out of your life. There wasn't a point.

After awhile of senseless thinking, I began to realize that it was all my fault. Everything was my fault. Rose would still be here if it wasn't for me. I was cursed, and because of that, a beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her was now gone. Dust in the wind.

My fault. If Rose never met me, she'd still be here. If I never called her up and invited her over, then we never would have made those plans, she never would have gotten into that car at that time, things never would have turned out the way they had. It was all my fault.

I was so mad at myself right then. I was such an idiot. This is all love got me. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing back and forth. Rose was gone and it was all my fault. I spun around and punched the wall as hard as I could. And again.

"AJ ...?" I heard Kevin's voice call me a second before the pain in my hand registered. I spun around and glared at him. Kevin stared back from the doorway with bleary eyes and messed up hair. "What-"

"She's gone," I growled, punching the wall again. I ignored the pain. It felt good. At least I could feel it, I was still here. More than I could say for Rose. "And it's all my fault." I punched the wall again as the tears reappeared, blurring my vision. I drew back my fist again, but a firm hand caught my arm.

"Hey ..." His voice was soft. "Don't beat up my wall, pal. You're gonna break your hand."

"I don't care." I jerked away, but he caught me again.

"You will in the morning. C'mere." I let him pull me back. "Look, Jay ..."

"I don't wanna talk," I interrupted, tensing up. "I just want everything to stop." Everything, please stop.

"I know ..." He paused. "Sit down. You want a drink?" I shook my head and slumped down on the couch, leaning my head back. I didn't try and hide the tears. I felt Kevin sit down next to me, but he didn't say anything. I guess he was waiting for me.

"Do you ever wish ... that you never met someone?" I asked finally. I glanced out of the corner of my eye at Kevin's solemn face, but his expression never changed. There was a moment of silence.

"No," he said finally. "I don't."

"I do," I said flatly. I sniffled. "I wish I never met Rosie."

"AJ-"

"No, listen. She woulda been better off without me. If I never met her." Kevin was shaking his head. "This never would have happened."

"How can you say that, AJ?" He shook his head again, frowning. "You're not thinking here."

"It wouldn't have happened," I repeated. I tried to unclench my fist, but it was too sore. I looked up at Kevin. "She never would have been in the car at that time ..." I took a shaky breath. "She woulda been better off. What'd I ever do for her? Nothing. I never even told her I loved her, you know that? Not once." I wiped my eyes with my other hand. "I was gonna tonight. Today was the day. I had it all planned ..." I had to catch my breath. "We'd watch the sunset and I'd tell her, and I'd give her ..." I dug the box out of my pocket and tossed it to Kev. "That. I was gonna give her that and tell her ..." I broke down and stopped talking completely.

"Aw, Jay," he started.

"I'm such a bastard ..." I muttered, wiping my eyes again. "Jesus." Before I could continue, Kevin slid closer to me, wrapping an arm around my neck and pulling me to him.

"Listen to me. You're not a bastard, understand? This is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. Unless you are God and control every little action, there is no way you could control this. You listening?" I nodded and he continued. "Shit happens, ok? You know that. And that girl loved you as much as you loved her. You meant the world to her. So don't go telling me she would have been better off without you. Loving someone isn't just words. Got it?" I nodded again. "And don't tell me you wish you didn't meet her. Remember the times you had, ok?" I started to cry again and he hugged me tighter.

"I wish I could take her place instead," I said after a minute. I was caught off guard when he cuffed the side of my head.

"And what, put her in your position now? Don't talk like that, AJ. You can't turn back time." I didn't answer and he touched my head where he hit me. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're right." I pulled away from him and stood up for a minute. I felt kind of dizzy suddenly. It hit me all at once. I rubbed my face with my hands and drew in a breath. I needed a drink. "You wanna go out with me?" He shook his head. "No?"

"No. I don't want you going anywhere either." I shot him a look, but sat back down because I wasn't feeling so good.

"I feel sick," I told him. I held out my hand in front of him. My knuckles were raw looking and I couldn't unclench my fist. "Does this look bad?"

"Does it look good?"

"Shut up."

"I'll get you ice," he muttered, getting up. "Then go to bed." I didn't answer, and in a few minutes he came back with a small bag of ice. "Want me to pull out the couch?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay. Night. Leave my walls alone, hear?" He tousled my head softly and went back to his room. I leaned back on the couch and looked at the clock with a sigh. Two forty-five am. I shut my eyes and tried to sleep, but I couldn't stop blaming myself. So I cried myself to sleep.

-

Morning came pretty quickly, and soon the too bright sun was waking me up. I tossed the bag of ice that had melted all over me to the side and got up, heading to the kitchen. Kevin was in there already, eating something.

"Mornin'," he greeted when I came in.

"Coffee," was my only answer. I heard him chuckle as I made my way straight to his coffee maker and started fiddling around with it. I couldn't really use my right hand yet, which made it kind of awkward, but I figured I could manage.

"Want help?"

"No," I said, annoyed. I got it working in a minute and leaned back against the counter to wait.

"You should get that checked out," Kevin said, motioning to my hand. I just rolled my eyes. There was silence. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah." I lied. Don't ask anymore. I grabbed the pot of coffee when it was done and poured myself a cup. "You want any?" He shook his head, so I took my cup and sat across from him at the table. I sighed. This was depressing.

"How about eating something?"

"Not hungry. Wanna drive me back to my car?" I wanted to go home before I went crazy. I felt like I needed to do something.

"Yeah, sure. Just say when."

"When," I answered. He looked surprised.

"Don't you wanna finish your coffee?" I shook my head. "Okay, let's go."

The ride to the aquarium parking lot was silent. I didn't have anything to say and I don't think Kevin knew what to say. There's a limit to how many times you can ask someone if they're doing alright.

My car was one of the only ones in the lot because it was off hours, so he just pulled his pickup into the spot next to it. I opened my door and was going to slide out when he caught my arm.

"Call me if you need me, understand? Be careful." I nodded absently but he didn't let me go. "Serious, ok? Take it easy."

"I'm okay," I told him, pulling my arm away. "Bye, Kev." I didn't look back at him as I got into my car.

-

The sight of the table still set from our lunch greeted me as I opened the door to my place. The two candles still stood there. The white tablecloth still hung perfectly. The single rose still looked perfect, but one lone petal had fallen from the flower. My eyes welled up at the sight of it all, and I grabbed the vase and threw it against the wall. A sob caught in my throat as the glass shattered. I couldn't look at it any more.

I suddenly realized my answering machine was beeping, so I made my way over to it. One message. I pressed the play button and waited for it to rewind, leaning against the wall.

I started crying harder as I heard Rose's mother's voice. In a strained tone, she told the arrangements for the wake and the funeral. I could barely hear it, and I felt myself slide down the wall to the floor. I drew my knees to my chest and just cried. There was this empty aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that just got worse as the seconds went by.

I don't know how long I stayed like that, but after awhile I got up. I showered and changed as this numb feeling washed over me. The empty feeling didn't go away though. It was strange. But I forced myself to listen to the message again and write down the times of everything. Why didn't this seem real?

I stuffed the paper in my pocket and suddenly felt exhausted. I wanted to do something, but instead I just stretched out on my couch and slept. I tried not to think about how everything was because of me. How it was all my fault.

-

Ringing. The phone was ringing. I sat up and tried to let my foggy head clear, running a hand through my hair. Someone shut that thing up. I wasn't going to answer it, but it just kept on ringing. Whoever it was, they were a persistent bastard. I let it hit ten rings or so, hoping they would hang up, but I finally grabbed the receiver.

"What the hell do you want?"

There was a pause. "Jay?"

"Yeah, Nick. What."

"What's wrong?" What's wrong? Jesus ... "Never mind," he said quickly at my silence. "Did you eat yet?"

Eat? I glanced at the clock and saw it was already one o'clock. "No ..."

"Wanna grab something with me?" Not really ...

"Look, Nick, why don't you just go yourself?"

"Want me to bring something for you?" he interrupted. "Yeah, I'll bring back something for you, okay?" Before I could even answer, he was telling me he'd be here in fifteen minutes. Damn, boy.

"Nicky-" I started.

"It's no problem, AJ. I'll see you then." He hung up before I could answer.

Great. I just wanted to be alone and now look. Did I ask for company? No. Did I even want company? Hardly. I'd tell him that when he got here. I leaned back on my couch, sinking into the cushions as I shut my eyes and let out a sigh.

True to his word, Nick showed up in just about fifteen minutes. I hadn't moved from the couch in that time, but I forced myself to get up at his knock. It'd be too cruel to ignore it. That and I knew he would just keep knocking if I didn't.

"Hey," was his greeting when I pulled open the door. He seemed to be looking me up and down, as if that would tell if I was okay or not. At least he didn't ask. I would have killed him.

"Hey," I returned.

"Can I come in?" he asked with a small smile, running a hand through his cropped hair. I noticed a McDonald's take-out bag in his other hand as I pulled the door open wider.

"Yeah, c'mon." I shut the door behind him and locked it, following him inside. I saw him pause in front of the table.

"I like what you've done with the place ..." His eyes were taking in the fallen rose surrounded by the shards of glass from the broken vase. I didn't answer. "Want me to clean it up?" Him clean?

"No, leave it."

"Where do you wanna eat?" he asked. I pushed past him and pulled the table cloth off the tabletop, candlesticks and all. I let it clatter to the floor next to the rest of the mess. Why stop now.

"There's fine. Have a seat." He glanced at me warily. "Sit," I repeated. He did and I sat across from him as he put the bag in the middle of the table.

"Hey, what'd you do to your hand?" Nick watched me grab a box of fries with my one good hand. I held up the other one.

"This? I beat up Kevin," I answered. He raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Serious though ..."

"It's nothin'," I answered. He didn't ask again. I ate a fry slowly. I wasn't hungry at all. In fact, I wasn't feeling too hot in the stomach department. I looked at Nick and he was almost done with his burger. I played with the fries for a few minutes of silence.

"Do you have anything to drink? I didn't get any soda," Nick said suddenly, looking up at me. I nodded and pointed to the fridge as he got up.

"You want something?" He pulled open the door and scanned the drinks.

"Yeah. How 'bout a beer," I answered, tossing my burger back in the McDonald's bag while he was busy getting his drink. I wasn't going to eat it. He came back with two cans of Coke. I stared at him. "That's a coke."

"I thought that's what you said," he answered, sitting back down. He didn't move to change it.

"Cute." I knew by his smile he knew exactly what I had said, but I didn't want to argue him on it. Let him think he was taking care of me for a little while. I popped open the can and took a sip. Cold. I looked at Nick and he gave me an innocent smile before taking a huge bite out of his burger.

I studied the table and remembered that it was just yesterday I sat here eating with my girl and making plans. About this time it was too. It had been perfect. And then an hour later there was nothing left. Nothing worth living for. It seemed so surreal at the moment. Everything kept going no matter how much I wanted it to stop.

"-AJ?" I looked up and realized Nick had been calling me.

"Yeah, bud?"

"What are you doing today?"

"I have to be somewhere," I said, remembering the wake. I didn't want to go, but it was the least I could do. I had to do something to show her I loved her. Even though it was already too late.

"Where?"

I looked at him for a minute. "The wake," I said finally. I regretted saying it when it only made it seem so much more real. A look crossed over Nick's face and he was silent. I just nodded slightly and stared at the wall.

"I'll go with you," I heard him say. I looked back at him. "If you want me too. If you want somebody with you." I thought about it and nodded finally. I did. He let out a long breath. "Okay ..."

-

I hated wakes.

The room was ice cold and the smell from the flowers up front was overbearing. And the people. I hated people. I don't know how they could talk and laugh with one another at something like this. I hated wakes.

"AJ," Nick started softly. He leaned closer to me. "Do you want me to be with you or do you want me just in the back somewhere?" I think he hated wakes too.

"You can go sit," I answered, adjusting my dark glasses. He nodded and disappeared to one of the chairs set out in the rows. My eyes shifted to the front of the room and filled. This wasn't real.

I moved forward to where Rose's mother was sitting in the front row. She was crying too, her eyes red and puffy. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling right now. Rose didn't have a father, and she was an only child. It had always just been her and her mother. Like me. Until now her mother was left all alone ...

"AJ?" Her eyes rested on me and she reached out for my hand, pulling me to her. "Hi, sweetie ..."

"Lee, I'm sorry," I choked out as she pulled me to sit next to her. "I'm so sorry ..."

"Alright, darlin', alright," she soothed. I tried to pull myself together a little, but the tears kept coming. I wiped my face hastily as she pulled me into a hug. "She's in heaven now, AJ, it'll be okay ..."

"It'll be okay," I repeated. "I'm so sorry, Lee ... This is all my fault ..."

"Don't blame yourself, sweetie ... I've been down that road," she whispered, not letting me go. "Don't blame yourself."

"I never got to tell her how much I loved her ..." My voice broke. "And now it's too late."

"She knew," came Lee's answer. "Believe me she knew. She loved you, AJ. You were part of our family. You're like a son to me." I hugged her tighter, sorry that her words were condolences to me and that I had nothing to say in return. I took a shaky breath.

"She's our angel now," I told her in a whisper, remembering something my own mother had said to me a long time ago. "Watching down on us ..." Lee nodded and I saw a tear slide down her cheek.

"Thank you, AJ ..." she said as we pulled apart. "You'll keep in touch with me, won't you?"

"Always," I got out, wiping my face again. I stared at the flowers surrounding the coffin in front of us. "I got her something ... Something I never got to give her. I guess now's my last chance." I pulled out the ring box and rose from the couch, walking slowly to the coffin. Oh God. I couldn't do it.

I sank down to the kneeler and closed my eyes as I caught a glimpse of her still too beautiful face. "Well, Rosie, here we are." I took a deep breath and let it out shakily. "We never got to say our farewells and I'm not about to now, but there is one thing I never got to say ..." My voice was barely a whisper. A sob caught in my throat and I just broke down. I tried to take another deep breath, opening my eyes. I could barely see through my tears.

I opened the box with one hand and lifted out the small silver ring. "I love you, Rose. You are the one that completed me." I gathered enough strength to reach out and slide the ring on her slim finger. I pulled back immediately. "I would have spent the rest of my life with you," I murmured. "Kev told me that loving someone isn't words, but I'm still sorry that I never told you ..." My eyes drifted to her face and I let out a sob before jumping up and heading to the door. I couldn't do it anymore.

Tears were running down my face when I got outside, and I finally just slid down to sit on the stoop. This wasn't real. I was going to wake up. Any second things would go back to normal. Rosie would show up at the aquarium, things would go as planned. My life would still be worth living.

But it wasn't. So far, time wasn't turning back, and it wasn't slowing down for me either. The thought of it made me sick.

I cried in silence for about five minutes until I felt someone sit down next to me. I knew it was Nick, but he didn't say anything. I was thankful for that. Sometimes you don't want to hear someone, you just want to know they're there. Nick knew that.

I don't know how long I stayed like that, but Nick stayed there and finally I lifted my head up. I glanced at Nick, and he pulled me into a hug.

"It'll be okay, AJ ..." he said softly. I hugged him back for a second before pulling away.

"Thanks for coming, bro. You know I appreciate that." He nodded and I rubbed my face with my hands. "Oh God ..."

"Let's get out of here," Nick said, standing up and holding out a hand. I grabbed it and let him pull me up.

-

We drove around for about an hour after that, going nowhere. I let Nick drive, and I let myself just kind of stare out the window at nothing in particular. I just watched the scenery fly by, not taking any of it in. After awhile, the numb feeling was back in place, keeping me company.

"You wanna go anywhere in particular?"

My head jerked up at Nick's voice, I had been getting used to the silence. "What?"

"Is there anywhere you wanna go?" I felt his eyes look at me, but I kept my gaze on the now pink sky.

"No ... Thanks though, man. You can just drop me off at my place or something."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks ..." I kept my eyes on the skyline, waiting for him to say something. But he didn't. The ride to my place was silent, only the sound of the radio filled the air. The sky was turning a golden color when we pulled into my driveway, and I finally turned to look at him.

"I'll see ya, Nicky," was all I said. He just nodded.

"Call me if you change your mind and wanna go out or something."

"Yeah." I boxed his head playfully before I got out of the car. "Thanks."

"Yeah."

My mess greeted me once again as I opened up the door and it made me feel like just trashing the whole place once and for all. I was too tired though and just headed straight to my couch to go to sleep.

-

I woke up praying that the night was over and that it would be morning, but when I looked at the clock it was only about eight pm. I slumped back on the couch and tried to clear my head, but it was impossible. So I got up and started pacing. I felt like punching something, but my hand brought back a painful reminder that maybe that wasn't such a good idea. So I sank back into the couch and grabbed the remote, flipping on the TV.

I came to rest on the news. Don't ask me why I stopped there, I wish I never did. But they were giving the local news stories, and I was watching through bleary eyes as they played the latest about the town. A recent photo lit up the screen and I froze as the reporter's voice identified it.

"Twenty-one year old Rose Kelly was killed yesterday afternoon as yet another victim in a DWI incident. Services were held today and on Saturday, for more information please see your local paper-"

"Shit!" I flipped off the TV and threw the controller at the screen. It didn't break, so I got up and shoved the whole thing off the stand. Someone was going to pay. "Shit!" I repeated it over and over again, yelling it louder each time. They were going to pay.

I didn't get a paper, and the only person I knew who did was Kevin, so I got into my car and headed toward his place. My mind was only on one thing. Someone was gonna pay.

When I got to Kev's place, I started knocking on the door as hard as I could. When no answer came right away I slammed my fist against it even harder. At this rate, I was going to break my other hand too. I was even going to start kicking at it, when it was pulled open.

"AJ?"

I pushed past him. "Where's your paper?"

"What?" I was past him, heading to the kitchen. "AJ, come here for a sec."

"Where's your goddamn paper?" I demanded, ignoring him.

"What happened?" He grabbed my arm tightly as I tried to move passed him. I pulled away but he didn't let go.

"Gimme your paper."

"What happened?" he repeated, grabbing it off the counter and letting me have it. I pulled away again but he steered me to a chair without a word. I sat and started flipping through for local news. Global, sports, lifestyles, classifieds ... Local. There. I let the rest of the sections fall to the floor and kicked them away. "AJ, I love you but you're pissing the hell outta me right now-"

"He's gonna pay," I told him, not looking up. I found the article and tried to skim through it with blurry eyes. I blinked and wiped them with the back of my hand, realizing the tears were starting again. There. Warren Henley. "Do you have a phonebook?"

"Yeah." But instead of moving he pulled up a chair and sat down. "AJ-"

"Where's it?" I started to pull out of my seat, but he grabbed me back.

"Sit." One word. But I listened at his tone. "Lemme see that." He pointed to the article I was starting to tear out and I shoved the paper at him.

"Where's your phonebook?"

"Pick that up first," he said, motioning to the crumpled papers on the floor without looking up from the article. "Please," he added. I sighed and grabbed at the papers, tossing them on the table. They were still in the same disorder, but now they were off the floor. I looked back at him and he was done reading the article.

"Does this change anything, AJ?"

"Yeah."

"It does?" He shook his head at me. "How? How is the whole thing changed by this one fact?"

" 'Cause he's gonna pay, that's why. If you tell me where your friggin' phonebook is then I'm gonna kill him. He should die too." I saw Kevin's face darken at my words, and I took a breath. "Why not, huh? You think he can just get off like that? He can kill somebody like that and get off with a charge? That's not fair."

"Jay, life's not-"

"Life's not fair, yeah I know. But I can make it fair this time."

"No, you can't. You can't, AJ. This man is gonna live the rest of his life with a guilty conscience about what he did. It's not your job to make sure justice prevails."

I was silent. Life had no sense right then, but I knew he was right. But just as that man would wake up every morning with the thought that he killed somebody, so would I. And he didn't love her like I did. I started to cry again as the emptiness filled up the spot where anger had been.

"AJ ..."

"No, stop." I pulled away and got up from the chair. I didn't want anyone's comfort right now. I wanted to be alone. "God, Kevin ..."

"Did you go today?"

"Yeah," I answered, wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeve. I hesitated near the kitchen door. "Do you think that Romeo was reunited with Juliet after he killed himself?" I looked back at Kevin and he was staring at me, expression mixed between surprise and something else.

"No. Look at me, AJ. If you so much as think of doing something like that-"

"Stop, just stop ..." I interrupted. "Don't get so worried, man." I wiped my eyes again. I wouldn't do something like that. I don't think I would. Would I? I didn't know ...

"What're you thinking?" Kevin worried voice interrupted my thoughts and I stared back at him, silent for a minute.

"I'm gonna go-"

"No, you're not. Not now. Not after that."

"I'm fine," I answered.

"It's late. You wanna stay here again?" he offered. I looked at the clock. Almost nine. Did I want to go back to my dark, cold, messy place that now didn't even have a TV? Not really ... But did I wanna stay here? I didn't want to be alone.

"Yeah." I nodded. He looked relieved.

-

But I didn't stay. I mean, I did for a little while. But by ten-thirty or eleven, I was getting restless. I had to do something or I would go crazy trying not to think about things. Because that's what I was trying to do, trying not let my mind go to those things I wanted to forget. It wasn't working, and staying there wasn't helping.

So Kev had disappeared somewhere, off to his room or something, and I left. I didn't say goodbye or anything, I just left. Got in my car and drove away. Because I knew Kev would make a fuss about it and be worried and shit, so I didn't want to be bothered.

I drove around aimlessly for about an hour, thinking about where I wanted to go. Away, that's where I wanted to go. But away didn't have a direction to it, so I was lost. I'd lost my mind. Pretty soon me and my lost mind ran out of gas though, and I had to stop. That's when I saw the phonebook chained to the payphone by the small store.

So I filled the tank of my car and went to the booth, grabbing the giant book and trying to get in enough light to read the small print. Warren. Last name? Hanley? Henley. I skimmed the page and found a W. Henley. The only one in the book. Had to be it. Cedar Road. I glanced around and seeing no one, tore out that page and folded it, sticking it in my pocket.

I got lost trying to find the damn place, but I finally came across it. So I parked my car across the street, and then sat there. I didn't have a plan or anything. Knock on the door and then kick his ass when he opens up? Throw stuff at his windows? Drive my car through his front door? Yes, I did think about that one awhile. But I liked my car too much to risk wrecking it.

I finally settled on the direct approach, and stepped out of the car. I heard a dog start barking when the door slammed shut, and waited a second before I started up the front walk. I was a foot away from the stoop, my anger building up with each step, when I started crying. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go ahead with it. Big tough guy I turned out to be.

As much as I wanted to kill the guy, I couldn't. I don't know why. Something inside of me just wouldn't let me. Maybe because I didn't want to do to his family what he had done to me. The dog started barking again and I saw a light turn on in the house, so I ran to my car. I could see the headlines now. Backstreet Burglar. I almost laughed.

I had no place to go after that. I was feeling pretty bummed, and the silence was killing me. So I turned up my music all the way and just drove. Nowhere in particular, just thinking about what a sorry bastard I had turned out to be after all these years. After blasting out my ear drums for almost a half hour, I headed back to Kev's. I figured even having him pissed off at me was better than being alone.

And he was pissed. When I pulled into the driveway I figured he probably wouldn't even know I had left, which made me even more depressed. But when I opened the front door, I saw him sitting on the couch in his family room. So I headed straight toward him.

"Hey."

"Where the hell did you go?" he demanded, jumping up when he saw me. "You don't just up and leave without telling me! Or leaving a note! Goddamn it, AJ-"

"I'm sorry," I muttered, shying away from him. I sat down where he had been sitting. In most cases I would yell back, but not tonight.

"Do you know how worried I was?" His voice was getting lower. "I had no idea what the hell is going through your head before and then you disappear? Do you know what I was thinking?"

"I was thinking that too," I said solemnly. "But look, I'm here. Everything's okay."

"Everything's not okay." Kevin was shaking his head. He was still mad. He crouched down in front of me and I looked at him tiredly. He sighed. "Tell me you're not gonna do anything."

"Okay."

"No, tell me. I wanna hear it. Promise me."

"I promise, okay? I'm not gonna do anything."

"Alright." He hit my knee. "Break that promise and I'll kick your ass."

"Try me," I muttered, shutting my eyes as he pulled up and sat down next to me. There was silence. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and he was staring a the wall, thinking.

"Where'd you go, huh? What was so important?"

I didn't answer right away. After a minute, I dug in my pocket and pulled out the crumbled page of the phonebook, handing it to him. He was silent. "W. Henley, Cedar Road," I told him. He looked up from it and caught my eye before I looked away.

"AJ. Tell me ..." He trailed off, looking back at the page.

"No, okay? I didn't do anything. I was gonna. I was all ready. I even went to his house." He waited for me to finish, so I did. "And I couldn't. I didn't do anything, I came back here. I'm so stupid." Kevin shook his head.

"No, you're a good guy. You worry the hell outta me, but you're a good guy."

"Yeah, well." I rubbed my eyes with a soft groan. I should've done something. I had to do something. I'd go crazy. "I have to do something," I mumbled.

"Go to sleep, that's what you can do. It's one thirty in the morning." He started to get up himself, but I caught his arm. "What?"

"Stay ...?" I probably sounded pathetic. "We'll watch a movie or something." I knew I wasn't going to sleep, and I didn't want to spend another night staring at the ceiling and wondering how I was going to get through tomorrow. Kevin groaned, but he sat back down.

"Fine. For a little while."

"Look, even Quincy wants to hang out with me," I said, watching as the black cat crept into the room quietly. He meowed at me. "No, I don't want to pet you. Go away." Kevin laughed. Quincy just meowed again before stretching and moving under the coffee table. "Damn cat," I muttered.

"Don't diss my cat," came Kevin's amused answer. I rolled my eyes, getting up for the kitchen. "Where ya going?"

"Drink, want one?"

"Nah," he answered, leaning his head back and shutting his eyes. What company.

I grabbed a can of soda from the fridge and sat down at the table as I popped it open. Rubbing my sore eyes, I stifled a yawn. I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. Nothing was making sense tonight. I took a sip of my coke and rested my head on my arms for a second. Next thing I knew someone was shaking my shoulder.

"Aje, c'mon. Time for bed." What was he, crazy?

"I am in bed, Kev ..." He already had me under the arms and was pulling me up to stand.

"Alright, c'mon." I let him lead me to the couch inside without a fight. I stretched out there, shutting my eyes again. "Night, bud," I heard him say.

"Night," I mumbled into the couch. So much for just hanging out.

--

I didn't get up until after noon the next day. I got up, showered and stole one of Kevin's Tommy shirts. When I looked in the mirror I was surprised at what a mess I looked. My eyes were red rimmed from crying so much. I couldn't even smile. So I grabbed my sunglasses and headed out to the main room.

"Kev?" There was no answer, but I found a note on the kitchen counter. 'Went out, I'll be back. -Kev'. Great. Leave me alone in my misery. I don't care.

I busied myself banging on his piano in the living room. He had this cool black baby grand, so I distracted myself pounding on the keys. I can play a little. Hardly. What I was playing wasn't music, it was stress relief.

"Hey," I heard him call over the noise about fifteen minutes later. "AJ."

I twisted on the bench to face him. "Where the hell did you go?" I tried out his line from last night. He smiled slightly and pointed at finger at me.

"I left a note, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did." I got up from the piano and back over toward him. "Where'd you go?"

"I got bagels and stuff," he said. "I don't have any food left here."

"Oh." I followed him into the kitchen, where he put the bag on the table and started putting other stuff away.

"Nicky called before, while you were sleepin'. He was wondering where you went last night 'cause he tried calling your place."

"Why?"

"He was worried maybe?" Kevin rolled his eyes. "Why do you think?" I shrugged at him, sitting at the table and resting my chin on my steepled hands.

"He shouldn't worry," I answered. "That's what I think."

"Have a bagel," came Kevin's answer, obviously ignoring my words. I looked at the bag with disgust. Food, no. The pit of my stomach still had this empty nauseous feeling occupying it. I didn't think food would mix. Rose and I used to have breakfast together sometimes at the bagel shop in town. I frowned, rubbing my eyes again. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said quickly. "I have to go somewhere, so I'll see you later okay?" Kevin watched me skeptically. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Give Frack a call back, alright?"

"I will. Later, man."

I got into my car with a sigh, honestly having nowhere that I had to be. I leaned my head down on my steering wheel for a second. I just needed to get out. To do something.

-

So I went out and got myself drunk. Drunk beyond belief. Which was pretty hard for me too since I hold my drinks pretty well. But this time had to be different.

It was too early in my taste to go have a drink to begin with, but I found an open bar and made myself at home. What I remember was this female bartender who kept saying, "You want another, honey?" And I kept saying yes. I wanted to drink as many as it would take to make me forget. I found that number to be up there with infinity.

"You know, life's a bitch," I told her at one point. My voice sounded kind of slurred to my ringing ears. "I just don't think it's worth it anymore."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two," I told her tiredly. "Twenty-two years that add up to what? Nothin', that's what. What a damn waste."

"They don't look like a waste to me," she told me. She was a nice lady.

"Appearances can be deceiving," I answered, faintly wondering why the hell she was trying to boost my esteem. She seemed to want to talk me through my problems. Go for it, woman. Good luck. "I've got nothing to show for it. I'm through."

"You're too young to talk like that," she said with a laugh. "You want another, honey?"

"Yeah." I looked at her and tried to smile. "You're beautiful. Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful?" She gave me this tired look.

"I'm old enough to be your mother." I shrugged at her, tipping back my beer.

"Sometimes I think I'm gonna just end it all," I told her after a minute. "Once and for all."

"Why would you wanna do that for?"

"Because there's nothing to stay for," I said simply. "Nothing."

"Don't you have any dreams or anything for the future?"

"I used to," I said with a sigh. I used to think about stuff like that all the time really. When I was a kid. You'd ask me what I wanted to do and I'd give you a definite outline. I had been an idiot.

"Like what?"

"I dreamed about being famous. And seeing everything I could." I laughed hoarsely. "Did you ever realize that when you accomplish something it loses its novelty? You wonder what you wanted it for to begin with."

She was giving me an odd look now.

"And," I picked up again, trying to stay seated straight on my stool. The bar was spinning. "And I dreamed of finding true love. Like a fairytale. Perfect."

"We all do," she told me.

"Yeah, but I actually found it." I was starting to curse myself for not eating anything before I came here.

"Then why are you here drinking away your money?"

"Because that sorta thing doesn't last. Not for me. Nothing lasts for me." I grabbed onto the bar. "If nothing's gonna last than why should I."

"There's still something out there for you," she said. "You just gotta find it first."

"I did find it. Now it's gone." I looked at her face dizzily. "Can I have another?"

"Last one," the lady said, sliding a beer toward me. "I think you've had enough."

"Yeah me too," I said absently. My voice sounded foreign to me. "Thanks for listening to my shit."

"Anytime. Do you have a ride?" I remember thinking this lady must've liked me a lot to be making sure of that. I nodded. "Who?"

"Me." I frowned. "Nah. I'm gonna call somebody ..." Who?

"The phones are over there," she said, pointing to a part of the room I couldn't see too well. I took another drink of my beer and slid off the stool. Balance, AJ, I told myself as I stumbled over there. Balance is the key to life. I started laughing to myself because that sounded so intelligent.

I dug through my pockets and finally came up with the change to make a call. I dropped the quarter in the slot, but it fell to the floor. I started cursing the phone for moving on me as I squatted down to find my quarter on the dusty floor. I found it and finally got it in the slot. The phone kept swaying.

I leaned my weight against the wall as I tried to think of who to call. What time was it anyway? Who would pick me up? I wasn't gonna drive all soused up. Even barely thinking straight I knew that much.

"Hurry it up, kid," a gruff voice said from behind me. Hurry yourself up you ape. I ignored him and finally dialed Howie's number, hoping he would be there. After four rings, he finally picked up.

"Hey, 'D," I greeted. "What's up, man? How's it going?"

"Are you drunk, AJ?" he asked. Did I sound drunk?

"Don't think so, Howie. Haven't had a drop. Wanna pick me up?"

"Sure, buddy." He didn't believe me. "Where're you?"

"I don't know." What bar had I pulled into? What was the name of it again? I asked the beefy dude behind me where was and repeated his answer to Howie.

"I'll be right there, alright? Don't go anywhere."

"Yeah, okay." Where would I go? On vacation? I shook my head at the wall before I hung up the phone and stumbled to the bathroom quick. When I was done in there I came back to the counter where I'd been sitting.

"You got a ride?" the lady asked, moving to stand in front of my part of the counter. I nodded and grabbed my beer again. "Good."

Howie made record time getting to the place, because he was there before I knew it. Or maybe it was just because I was too busy thinking about why no one else seemed to think the room was rocking to watch the clock.

"Jays, you idiot," were Howie's first words when he came across the room to me. He took my last beer from my hand and put it on the counter. I tried to smile at him.

"This," I told the lady, "Is 'D. My best bud." She and Howie exchanged some sort of look that I didn't quite catch. Hm. "Howie, you wanna beer? It's on me."

"No thanks, I'll pass, AJ. C'mon."

"Watch out for him," the lady was telling Howie. She looked at me. "You'll find it, honey."

"I told you. I already did."

"You'll find another."

I shook my head. "There are no others."

Howie got me out to his car without too much trouble. Despite my aching head, I really could walk pretty straight. At least I thought so. But Howie even opened my door for me and made sure I was in before going around to his side. What a guy. While he started the engine, I opened my window and started to light up a cigarette. I needed to relax.

"Don't start up with that again, AJ ..." He actually sounded exasperated.

"It's only one," I told him, inhaling slowly.

"Not in my car then. Put it out," Howie said. He glanced over at me. "C'mon, AJ, I drove all the way out here to pick you up ..."

"That's because you love me," I told him. But I threw it out the window anyway and slunk down in my seat. I was going to have a hell of a hangover. I could feel it. Dammit.

Howie drove me to his place without even asking me where I wanted to go. I wouldn't have had an answer anyway. His place was perfectly fine. When he unlocked the front door, he gave me a push to the family room. I collapsed on the nearest couch.

"Are you gonna be sick?"

"No. I'm just gonna sleep." He nodded and flipped off the light. "Thanks, 'D."

"Sure," he said, disappearing to some other part of the house. I guess he knew I wouldn't feel like talking until I slept it all off.

-

As predicted, I woke up later with a splitting headache that didn't do much to lighten my mood. I was kind of mad at myself for letting the alcohol hit me like that, but I figured it wasn't really my fault. Better off next try, that's all. No big deal.

I pulled myself off the couch with a curse, my back stiff from sleeping in some weird position. Nature was calling. A man can only hold so many drinks for a certain amount of time. I ran into Howie when I came back in the hall. Literally.

"Oh hey, Bone, I was hopin' you were up," he started, giving me a smile as he adjusted the front of his shirt. "You doing okay?"

"You going out?" I looked at his nice shirt and pants critically.

"Yeah, but you can still stay here as long as you want ..."

"You got a date? Who?"

"You don't know her. Katrina."

"Oh." I stared at him solemnly. He was leaving me too. Everyone was leaving me.

"You can stay here though, bud. I don't mind." Yeah, he didn't mind. I didn't mind either. "You alright?"

"Yeah. I think I'm gonna go out though, thanks."

"You sure? Maybe you should just take it easy for the rest of tonight, huh?" he suggested. Great, now even Howie had the worry act going. I shook my head. I was taking it easy right now. "Where're you gonna go?"

"I don't know yet."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he teased. I shook my head.

"Yeah, sure Dad," I muttered. He laughed.

"You need anything before I go?" Yeah, actually I needed a lot of things, but I shook my head no. And he believed me too. Either that or he just didn't bother to press, which was absolutely fine with me.

And then he left me. Just like everybody else, he left me. I really didn't care though, I didn't need anybody around to begin with.

I found that fate works in mysterious ways.

I left Howie's place with nothing on my mind but my new hobby of driving around aimlessly. I was getting pretty damn good at it too, if I say so myself.

It was driving on the outskirts of town that it happened. I was pulling up to a stoplight when the compact blue car a couple hundred feet in front of me did a complicated routine of swerving, skidding, and flipping.

"Holy shit ..." It was like watching some action movie as the car pretty much rolled into the gully lining the road.

I did a panic routine right then and almost lost control of my own car, but got my sweaty hands in check before it was too late. I surprised myself by how calmly I pulled up and parked on the side of the long road. I took a deep breath and forced myself to get out of the security of my car. I half ran, half fell down the rocky side and got a look at the totaled car. It didn't look good. The vehicle was on its side and ... smashed. It looked like somebody had run it through a compactor.

I squinted to get a better look at the driver, not wanting to get too close. I was scared. When I saw the dark hair framing the face of a girl no more than sixteen or seventeen, I lost it. My world tilted a little more and I struggled to hold everything in its place.

For a minute I couldn't see or breathe. I just stood there, frozen. I couldn't think. Time passed but I didn't even pay homage to those valuable seconds.

A small whimper brought me back to my harsh reality and I forced myself toward the mangled mess, sloshing through the mud and tall grass. It wasn't just me anymore.

The passenger side was flipped on top, but the door was jammed and I had to go in through the back. I climbed over to the front and touched the girl's pale cheek.

"Hey, girl, you with me?"

No answer. There were small scratches on her face and bare arms from broken glass, and a long slit running down the underside of one of her arms. I swallowed quickly to keep from throwing up. My hands were shaking like mad, but I pulled off my top shirt quickly and tore it into strips, using those to tie tightly around her arm to stop the bleeding. That's what you got from watching late night emergency shows on hotel TV.

I took a deep breath and realized this girl was bleeding a lot. Not just her arm. I cursed myself for throwing out my cell phone like I had. But being the dumbass I was, there was nothing I could do about that now. I pulled the handle on the passenger door and kicked it a couple times to get it open. I looked back at the girl.

"Well I know they always say not to move somebody when they're hurt, but screw that, right? I mean, what the hell do they think they're talking about anyway ..." Deep breath, AJ. Come on. I could do this. Don't freak, don't freak. Deep breath.

Her leg was in some unnatural position, but I was able to lift her out of the car and start up the small incline to the roadside. She felt like a limp rag doll in my arms, her head hanging loosely. Deep breath. She's alive. Are you sure? She couldn't be dead. Not like that. No way.

I laid her gently in the back seat and got into my seat, shakily starting the ignition. The road stretched out in front of me, empty. Oh God.

I hit seventy almost the whole way to the hospital. When I got there I parked illegally in the emergency entrance and lifted her out again gently before rushing through the doors of the ER.

I was surrounded. A nurse rushed toward me when she saw, who at the same time alerted a doctor, who wasted no time in getting a whole team of people out there. Someone took her from me and I resisted.

"Son, are you hurt?" some voice demanded. I shook my head and looked down at my blood soaked shirt. It was someone else's blood. Dizziness took over. The girl was being carried away and I tried to follow.

"Son, you'll have to wait out here. Are you family?" I shook my head, trying to push through blindly. "Son, please."

"I have to know if she's gonna be okay ..."

"What's her name?"

"I don't know. Please, just ..." I watched as she was rushed out of my view on a stretcher. "Please ..."

"You'll have to wait. I'm sorry. If you'll just- Are you okay?" I kind of lost my balance. I couldn't see. The man's voice was echoing around me. "Is there someone we can call for you, son?"

I gave him Kev's number groggily. I don't know why. I wanted him there to tell me it was going to be okay. That it would all be fine. That something like this doesn't happen, that it's not real.

But it was. That was my last thought before I blacked out.

-

"- AJ, Jays? Wake up, buddy, c'mon ... -"

"Huh?" I mumbled groggily, hearing someone's voice in the back corner of my jumbled head. Kev. He had my face in his hands and was patting my cheek gently.

"You with me, AJ?"

"No ..." I opened my eyes and squinted at the annoyingly bright lights above me. Why the hell was I lying on an examining table in a hospital? I heard random beeps and voices and sounds of metal trays in the background. I moaned and shut my eyes again.

"AJ, what's going on?"

"Kev?"

"Yeah. Ease my worries a bit, little man. I get this call about you and an accident and-"

The accident. I sat up quickly, not hearing a word more.

"Lemme go," I objected as Kevin caught my arm. I tried to shake him off.

"AJ."

"Let. Me. Go." I pulled away and slid off the table, heading around the hall. Why was my head so damn fuzzy? My hands were shaking again.

"What the hell is going on, AJ?" He was following me now. I didn't answer. I was too busy trying to find a nurse or doctor with a familiar face. I didn't recognize anyone. But people were beginning to stare at my blood soaked shirt. Including Kevin.

I started down toward the hall where I had last seen her stretcher disappear to but someone blocked my way.

"I'm sorry, only authorized personnel beyond this point," came a polite voice. I studied the guy in front of me, taking in his green scrubs.

"I am authorized, dammit," I was saying as Kevin caught up with me.

"AJ-

"I'm sorry, son, no visitors beyond this point. Hospital policy."

Screw policy.

I turned and started a couple steps back, giving the man a false sense of security. When he continued on his merry way, I shot Kevin an apologetic glance and then took off.

"Hey! Come back! It's restricted!"

"AJ!"

I ignored them an d hurried down the fluorescent-lighted hallway, not giving either another glance. When I stopped to catch my breath I was in a brightly lit area where various teams of doctors were bent over different tables, each barely separated by thin green curtains.

"Can I help you?"

I turned to see a woman in scrubs peeling off bloody examining gloves. I swallowed quickly and tried to calm my stomach. Oh God.

"Can I help you?" Little patience in her voice.

"I'm-" Deep breath. "I'm looking for a girl who was ..." Oh God. "She was in a car accident."

"You really shouldn't be back here, young man. Who let you in?"

"Nobody." I gave her a pleading look.

"How long ago was she brought in?"

"About ...-" Shit. How long was I asleep? Goddamn it. I felt like I was losing it. I already had.

"She's probably been transferred up to surgery," the woman said. I tried to look elsewhere than at the gloves but I couldn't and I was beginning to feel really sick. "That's off limits too."

"Oh." Nausea, do go away now.

"Do you need to be escorted out of here?"

"No, no. I think I can make it." I spun and almost tripped in my hurry to get out of there. I reached the waiting area not a minute too soon.

Kevin was on me in a second.

"Jay-"

"I'm gonna be sick," I interrupted, pushing past him. I found the men's room just in time to lose the remaining contents of my stomach. Ugh ... I took a heaving breath and headed to the sink as my stomach still churned.

"You okay?" Kevin waited by the door, watching me. Giving me distance.

"Kinda." I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I washed my hands. I looked like something out of a horror movie. Pale and covered in blood.

"You gonna tell me what happened?"

"Yeah." If I could remember. I took another heaving breath as the room spun a little bit. I managed to look over at Kevin, who was coming closer. "Thanks for coming."

"Anytime." He dropped a hand on my back and started to try and guide me to the door. "I think you should sit down."

"Me too." I frowned. My ears were ringing.

We sat down in the waiting room, in those ugly plastic green chairs that were all connected. I rubbed my eyes as everything blurred. I didn't want to be here.

The girl.

The car.

The blood.

I couldn't help but keep seeing her face in front of me, body trapped in the car. Pale and helpless. Powerless. Defenseless. In fear.

And then I would see Rose's face the same way. Blood drained from her skin. Crying, but no one hearing her. No one was there to save Rose. It was too late. There was nothing I could do to save her.

"AJ, you alright?"

I realized I was crying. I couldn't feel it, but I tasted the salty tears on my lips. I lowered my head onto my arms. Why ...

I felt Kevin's hand rest on my back as I sobbed. I didn't try and stop crying. It almost felt good. After awhile I sat up a little and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Son?"

I squinted up at an almost familiar looking guy in the same old doctor's scrubs. He took the seat next to me and sat on the very edge. I tried to place him.

The guy who was there when I first came in, the one who called Kevin.

"Hi."

"The girl that you brought in ..." He paused and the solemn look on his face made me want to scream. "I just wanted to let you know that she's going to be alright. Thanks to you. A few seconds later, even a minute, if you hadn't stopped the bleeding ..." He trailed off again, shaking his head. He clapped me on the back. "Good job." I suddenly felt weightless and dizzy. "If you'd like to see her," he continued, but I shook my head. "She's out of surgery and she's on the road to recovery."

"Thanks."

"Thank you," came his reply. He patted my shoulder again and stood.

A sudden calm swept over me at the news. A relief.

But I didn't want to see her.

Maybe it was fear that kept me from wanting to see her. Fear that I wouldn't see the girl, I would only see Rose. But I couldn't have her and I didn't want to go through with that, as cowardly as it was.

I leaned against Kev.

"You wanna go?"

I nodded.

-

People say time heals.

It's not necessarily true, but it's not necessarily false either. Time will mend any wound, but that doesn't mean that no scars will be left behind. Gaping scars at times.

I'll never stop loving Rose. I don't make empty promises. No amount of time or eternity will ever take away the amount of love I had for her. I often wonder if I'll ever find someone that I would feel the same for. Some days I just don't know.

It hits me sometimes how unfair life can be. But that there's also a balance. Hundreds may die each day, but new life is being created every second. That balance doesn't make up for the many losses, but at the same time it somehow compromises.

Every day I wake up, there's still that gnawing in the pit of my stomach, that emptiness that eats away at your heart. But some days I begin to notice that it doesn't seem so unbearable.

It was during this time that I learned something that unfortunately is not usually gained without experience. It's not about learning to forget something; it's about learning to live with the memory of it.

The End