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Steve and Craig
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Author's Note: Man, I'm just whipping them out! I guess trying to avoid Pre-Calc homework has its benefits! Please, please, please <not that I'm begging> PLEASE tell me what you think!!!
Title - Those
Less Fortunate
Author - Ashlee
E-mail address - zyp959@hotmail.com
Rating - G
Category - Vignette
Series/Sequel - Nilch
Spoilers - N/A
Summary - Jarod angst, what else could you possibly want?
"Those
Less Fortunate"
By
Ashlee
People always expect so much from me, they always have. It's like failure isn't even an option. I have to be perfect, always have to get the right answer. I remember once, when I was still at the Centre and I just couldn't get the answer, I don't remember why, maybe there wasn't a reason, but I just couldn't figure it out. And I remember Sydney telling me that everyone was depending on me. I felt so guilty, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I think that's part of my problem now; the reason why I feel obligated to spend my freedom fixing the problems of the world. Because of what Sydney said. They always have said that the pressures put on a child at a young age will affect them as they get older, and I guess I just can't outgrow the guilt they used to get me to do my work.
Even now, when I can't figure out who the culprit is, or solve some equation I can still hear the disappointment in his voice, it echoes through me. Through the hollowness that is my soul. I feel empty so often, like there's nothing in me but organs to sustain this meaningless life. I tell Parker that it's because I don't know my past, that it's the Centre's fault, but really I think it's mine. I know plenty of people who have had everything taken from them, who have been lied to, who have had horrible childhood's, and they still manage to figure out who they are. It's like they can incorporate that feeling into them, but I can't, which once again makes me feel like a total failure.
But when I think of what would make me happy, and I know how cheesy this sounds, but all I can think of is Parker. I know, I know. How could I possibly have any feelings for the one person who is hell bent on making my life miserable, but I think it's a façade. I think she acts mean and tough because she feels exactly the same way I do inside. She's just as lonely and empty because we have both been lied to and taken advantage of. She knows the truth about her father, about the Centre, and about her mother and that's why she hides her feelings the way that she does. It's just that she uses anger towards me and the whole world to cover it up while I work for the underdog, thinking that that will help. In actuality I think both of our copping methods are lacking, because neither one is working all that well. We're both as unhappy as ever, in fact I think we've both become more miserable as the years have gone by.
You know, this whole line of thought is depressing. I guess I should spend less time contemplating my existence, but when your whole life revolves around the place and the people that made your whole existence one big pile of shit, well you would dwell in the darkness of it all to. What makes it even worse is that I think I know what would make it better, but I can't do anything about it. But even if Parker's presence and ultimately her love would make me feel better, in the long run is it even a solution? I hear people say that you can't love someone before loving yourself, that no one person can fill a void. That you have to be whole on your own. So would I be loving her or using her to fill some void that I couldn't? It's all so complicated. I may be a genius, but that doesn't mean I can figure life out. Give me a physics equation or a complicated laser surgery to perform any day, but, I fear, the mysteries of the heart will forever be just that, a mystery.
I guess all I can conclude is that there are no clear answers in life, just personal truths, and that is what we have to base our existences on. Those people I know, the ones who have had horrible childhoods, have been able to resolve this conflict and find their own personal truths to remedy their situation and move on. I think my personal truth lies in the Centre, in Sydney, and in Parker. That once I finally meet my parents, find some logic behind Sydney's motivations, resolve my love for Parker, and take down the Centre I will finally be able to see the truth in myself and be at peace. But until then I will march forward, put on a brave front, and protect those less fortunate than I. That is, after all, what I thought I was doing all along.