"THIS AIN'T NO CACTUS!" (reviewed by AX)

Flash back to 1996: It's a humid summer night, and I'm walking out of an extremely crowded theater, having just watched producer Dean Devlin's re-make of GODZILLA. As I made my way through the herd, I was overcome by anger. I felt like I was gonna scream, like I was just gonna knock the living fuck out of the next person who looked at me.

And it had nothing to do with GODZILLA itself. If I've got any credibility left with you people, it's probably about to be shattered. Because I loved the 1996 GODZILLA. That's right. Fuck you, I loved it. That wasn't the problem at all.

The reason I was about to be driven to violence? Because of all the miserable cocksuckers that were walking alongside me as I was trying to leave the theater. One after the other, I was treated to bad review after bad review coming from their mouths. These pieces of shit, these human twizzlers, milling about like some third-rate Gene Shalits. "That was terrible", said one. "Worst movie I ever saw", said yet another. All around me, loads and loads of bullshit comments. How they'd wasted their money and so on, and some went as far as to tell those waiting to get in to see the next showing that it was complete garbage. I was ready to kill these fucks.

Wake up. It's a fucking GODZILLA movie. It's a big green monster that steps on people and breathes fire. What were you expecting? Kurosawa? Un Chien Andalou? Unbelievable. These people were so full of themselves, with their self-important bullshit, they didn't even realize they were being entertained. People, on the average, suck. I stand by that. I went in to GODZILLA with three requirements: I wanted him to be big, nasty, and fuck shit up. And I was not let down.

Which brings me to Devlin's latest screen effort since his universally-blasted giant lizard flick...a little gem called EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (originally titled ARAC ATTACK, the name was changed cause it sounded too much like IRAQ ATTACK). I went in looking for spiders that were big, nasty, and fucked shit up. Again, I was completely satisfied, no problem. Well done, mister Devlin.

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS doesn't break any new ground. That's not the point. It's part of a long tradition in filmmaking called the "Nature Run Amuck" movie. Like THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS, BUG!, THE SWARM, and even recent flicks such as GREMLINS, TREMORS, DEEP RISING, and LAKE PLACID, FREAKS is here to do one thing: entertain. The set-up is simple...a chemical spill near an exotic spider farm causes the little buggers to grow to enormous size and overrun a small town. Right away, it's clear who the heroes are going to be. And hell, 15 minutes into the picture, you know exactly how it's going to end. But that isn't the point. The point is, these kinds of movies are fun to watch. They're the kind of thing people used to flock to, before we all became the uppity movie snobs we are today.

To me, the only cinematic crime being committed here is that Devlin has made the perfect drive-in movie in an age where the drive-in is practically extinct. A relic of a bygone era. EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS would play perfectly as you sat in your car with a speaker hanging off the window...one hand on your popcorn and the other in your girlfriend's shirt, waiting for a spider to jump out so she would, in turn, jump into your lap. Awww yeah. I loved AMERICAN BEAUTY as much as the next guy, but it is in a particular class of movies. So is EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS. Sadly, I think there will soon come a day when all we're left with is the arty pretentious stuff, the commercialized kids flicks, and the soulless summer sequels. And it'll be all your fault, you miserable fucks. You ruined it because all you do is bitch.

The spiders still look fake, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Call me stupid, but I go to the cinema to have fun. To be entertained. To laugh, to jump, to enjoy myself and get away from you bastards for just a little while. If there was anything missing from EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, it was a shot of a giant spider shitting out an Oscar statue. Or better yet...a movie critic.

(7.17.02)