"THAT...IS WHY YOU FAIL" (reviewed by AX)

In RETURN OF THE JEDI (a.k.a. Star Wars Episode VI), the spirit of Obi-Wan Kenobi speaks to our hero Luke Skywalker, describing what arch villain Darth Vader has become: "He's more machine now than man; twisted and evil". Strangely enough, that statement also holds true in regard to the next films director George Lucas would create in this epic series. In a bizarre twist, Anakin Skywalker's eventual transformation into the robotic Darth Vader proved to be a metaphor for what the Star Wars saga would turn into in terms of filmmaking.

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES is a big loud cartoon with no soul. While certainly better than EPISODE I in terms of entertainment value, it is still just as heavy on special effects and sorely lacks the elements that made the first few installments of the series beloved classics. There's no fucking hero. There are no interesting characters. There's no humor. STAR WARS is more machine now than man; twisted and evil. They spent so much time on computer-effects that they skipped on the humanity. Even Darth Vader, in his dying moments in JEDI, discovered he had a heart and had a tender moment with his son Luke. To quote Yoda in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: "Size matters not". So what if this movie is huge and overflowing with eye-candy? That isn't what makes a great film. To deny the audience what it loves about STAR WARS is a crime.

That having been said, the way I convinced myself to enjoy EPISODE II was to recognize the nostalgic effect this series has on me. I grew up with STAR WARS and I still like watching them today. They kick ass (especially EMPIRE). So I allowed myself to get wrapped up in EPISODE II, watching Anakin cruise around on one of those cool speeder bikes...laughing at the young Boba Fett...seeing the plans for the Death Star...and of course, gazing lovingly upon C3P0 and R2D2 (who provide the ONLY funny moments in the film). That's the one saving grace here, they can't re-design this shit because the blueprints were already laid out years ago.

Also, I wanna say that Yoda has always ben my favorite character from this series because, yes, HE IS A MUPPET. Or should I say "was" a muppet. That's right, they finally replaced the Yoda we know & love with a cartoon. Now he's on the same level as the abominable Jar-Jar Binks and that doesn't sit well at all with me. By doing this, Lucas has ass-raped the memory of Jim Henson. Look at THE DARK CRYSTAL and you'll see the work of a true imaginative genius. You can reach out and touch it. It's real. It was all real.

That's supposed to be the magic of movies. The illusion of reality. EPISODE II is not a convincing illusion. The only purpose it serves is to tell us the beginning of a story we already know the end to. But to me, that isn't enough to call yourself a STAR WARS film.

All bitching aside, I am looking forward to EPISODE III when it arrives in 2005. It is the movie that's gonna tie the whole thing together, so there's a lot riding on it. The Republic falls under the crushing weight of the evil Emperor, the evil Empire is created, the Jedi Knights go from valued protectors to near-extinct relics (hunted down and eliminated with Anakin's help), and a set of twins are born of Skywalker & Amidala...our beloved Luke & Leia (who somehow grow up on separate planets never knowing the other exists). Perhaps Lucas will allow someone to help him write EPISODE III and someone else to direct it (as he did with EMPIRE and JEDI years ago). Perhaps he'll hire actors more on the level with people like Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, so maybe we'll have some great acting & chemistry between characters to polish this baby off. Or then again, maybe it'll just be more exploding cartoon robots and several thousand other little things crammed into every frame of the film.

(5.20.02)