"LORD OF THE RINGS" DVD: One Cock-Ring To Rule Them All (reviewed by AX)

I'll freely admit, I didn't see this movie till it got on video. There are many reasons for this, but a major one is the fact that Christmas time is the most annoying time to go see movies. I didn't feel like going through all that shit, dealing with all the assholes and their retarded families, to sit through a three-hour movie. Granted, it was a three-hour Peter Jackson movie...but it wasn't the three-hour cut of DEAD ALIVE. It was LORD OF THE RINGS, an epic tale based on a beloved series of fantasy books that I have never been interested in. I knew the movie was probably incredible, but Christmas time was just too hectic and I was too broke. I think the only movies i saw that whole season were MONSTERS INC and HOW HIGH.

Everybody was baffled that I didn't see LORD OF THE RINGS. I usually see everything. To this day, no one can believe it. Now that I've seen the motherfucker, I wish I had taken the time to go. It must've been amazing on the big screen. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

My introduction to New Zealand filmmaker Peter Jackson came some time in 1990 via a FANGORIA magazine article on his film MEET THE FEEBLES. Most people who adore LOTR would be apalled to see FEEBLES. It's like a Muppet movie, but there are no human actors. And oh yeah, the puppets fuck each other, shoot guns, blow one another's heads off, shoot heroin, get AIDS, vomit, and die. And not necessarily in that order. MEET THE FEEBLES fucking rules. But it is far different from LOTR, baby.

Prior to LORD OF THE RINGS, Jackson had a huge fanbase in the horror genre. He was already a legend in the field. His zombie films BAD TASTE and DEAD ALIVE were instant cult hits (the latter is universally regarded as the goriest movie ever made), and his fact-based thriller HEAVENLY CREATURES was an art-house success (shooting Kate "I Put The TIT In TITANIC" Winslet to fame).

However, Jackson's first foray into Hollywood didn't go so well. His highly underrated 1996 movie THE FRIGHTENERS was completely ignored at the box office that summer, largely due to the olympic games in Atlanta. THE FRIGHTENERS was the greatest supernatural comedy since GHOSTBUSTERS, and should have made a shitload of money. I will never understand why it bombed. See it if you haven't, it's awesome.

But I'm going too far away from my subject. Sorry.

LORD OF THE RINGS is a huge epic, monumentally successful in everything it set out to accomplish. It's right up there with the best fantasy films I've ever seen...stuff like CLASH OF THE TITANS and THE DARK CRYSTAL to be specific. It made a ton of money, and was a huge "fuck you" from Jackson to the people who thought THE FRIGHTENERS was deserving of what little attention it got. I was so happy to see it do well. It's brilliant, and will live forever as a classic of filmmaking. To know that Jackson filmed the whole RINGS trilogy back-to-back just puts a smile on my face. My boy did it. And he deserves every cent of what he gets from the huge success and recognition of these movies. It's about time.

The DVD itself is fine, but given the epic nature of the production, even the second disc doesn't begin to be a sufficient source of suplemental material. The two "making of" featurettes on this edition serve as overviews of the entire production, and thus cannot go into a whole lot of detail about any one aspect of how this movie was done. A lot of information is repeated, too. Fans who are as fascinated by this production as I am will want to wait till November of this year, when the 4-disc edition of LOTR comes out. According to the brief preview of this set that's on the current LOTR DVD edition, the film will include extra scenes, and a ton of features on the special effects. I can't wait.

And now, a special request:

Before DVD was invented, there was laserdisc. And a special edition of THE FRIGHTENERS was released with over 4 hours of extra features, including commentary and deleted scenes. You will notice that, currently, THE FRIGHTENERS has a very standard DVD available that has nothing extra on it.

Do the fans a favor, Universal, and release this shit! Now that Peter Jackson has earned the kind of respect in Hollywood that would validate your spending the $$$ to put it out, I expect you to do the right thing and give me THE FRIGHTENERS with all the trimmings. It's only fair.

(8.6.02)