"SPIDER SPERM, SPIDER SPERM..." (reviewed by AX)

There are many reasons why SPIDER-MAN has broken every box-office record in history. Forget the fact that there was NO COMPETITION AT ALL when it opened in theaters. Forget that we'd been showered with action figures and fast food tie-ins way before it came out. The simple fact of the matter is this: director Sam Raimi gave us the Spider-Man we all know and love, straight up. And he packed it with enough talent and imagination that he couldn't lose. End of story.

To me, the greatest comic book movie ever made (before this) was my buddy Jim Wynorski's 1989 film RETURN OF SWAMP THING. Unlike Tim Burton's BATMAN that same year, Jim's movie was a literal translation from page to screen. It was slam-bang, full of bright colors and cheesy dialogue and action. While I am a huge Burton fan and I adore every movie he made (yes, even his APES remake), he missed an important thing. He based the film on Frank Miller's "Dark Knight" comics, which were a dark re-imagination of the Batman saga. The public at large knew Batman as Adam West from the old TV show, not as a black brooding gothic anti-hero. Comic book fans ate it up, but most of us felt like it was style over substance. Give us Batman, dammit. People always talk shit about how Joel Schumacher's BATMAN AND ROBIN was such a shitty movie. Perhaps in contrast to Burton's vision, it blows. But as a film based on comic book characters, it rocks. Like RETURN OF SWAMP THING and SPIDER-MAN, it bursts off the screen as a dynamic treat for the audience. For this same reason, I think Night Shyamalan's UNBREAKABLE was a ground-breaking entry in the superhero genre. It may have been dark and all too human, but at its core was a genuine love for comics in the purest form.

Which brings me to Sam Raimi's SPIDER-MAN. Sam was the fucking right man for the job. Not only was he the genius behind the greatest film ever made: EVIL DEAD 2, but he gave us an underrated superhero classic in 1990 called DARKMAN. I saw that movie 5 or 6 times during the first month it was out. Incredible. Too bad nobody gave a shit who Darkman was, and he ended up a relic on the shelves next to those god-awful direct to video sequels (Sam didn't do them, of course). He knows how to entertain an audience, he understands comic timing and action perfectly. Best of all, he knows how to get the most excellent performances from his actors. The man is a genius and whoever gave him the job was also quite smart. Sam didn't fuck with Spidey. He gave us our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man just like we wanted him.

Lastly, and this may be in poor taste, I think I need to mention that PG-13 was a great way to go with this thing. It was entertaining enough for kids but didn't insult the adults either. For example, in the scene where Mary Jane kisses Spidey (when he's upside-down), she's got on a very wet t-shirt and her nipples are in plain sight. This wasn't an accident. And the part where the Green Goblin was stabbed in the guts by his own weapon was pretty damn violent. Again, we were not shorted on thrills in the name of "family entertainment".

Hollywood, take notice. If you give Raimi and John Woo and Robert Rodriguez all the actions movies, they will always do a kickass job every time. And Sam, thanks for giving Bruce Campbell more than just a walk-on role this time. Now get cracking on EVIL DEAD 4.

(5.20.02)