"BUNCH OF DEUCE BAGS!" (reviewed by OG)

One of history's grandest anomalies, in my humble opinion, is the adoration and acclaim that the film WEST SIDE STORY received after its release in (insert correct date here). Yeah...I'm not even researching it...that's how much I hate that fucking movie. We were forced, for some reason, to watch it in high school, and I remember being completely flabbergasted at how ridiculous the world of Broadway could come across when thrown into the realm of Hollywood. You had two rival gangs with goofy football team names in 50's New York dancing as they fought each other. Then, you got a nice shot of one of the gang members strolling down a dark Brooklyn alley, signing for a girl "named Maria" in the Puerto Rican sector. Amazingly enough, ONE girl steps out on her balcony at the sound of the name. A Puerto Rican neighborhood with just ONE Maria. Go figure.

So what would happen, you ask, if one were to take out the singing and dancing from said fucked up film, replace it with dirty language, and cast it with such talents as Stephen Dorf, Brad Renfro, Matt Dillon, and Fairuza Balk? Well...the result of this ill-conceived experiment would undoubtedly be Deuces Wild, a film that will ultimately cause its viewer to sit down, pull out their Ouija Boards, and try to find out just who the hell comes up with this shee-it.

The gangs are now the Vipers (eviiiil!) and the Deuces (good guys that are annoying as shit). Headed by Dorf, the Deuces are comprised of your stereotypical Italian greasers, posturing and showing off their masculinity by dumping bricks on top of their rivals and punching deaf kids on the street (I kid you not). As for the Vipers, they're headed by, and this is the actual name they use here, folks, Marco Vendetti, played by the irritating asshole that played Scud in the recent BLADE 2 flick (Once again, screw research).

One of the Deuces falls for one of the Vipers' sister, played, in an amazing burst of overacting, by Fairuza Balk. There's the required 5-Vipers-jump-one defenseless-Deuce-member scene, a rooftop romance, and the inevitable "We've gotta get outta this neighborhood" speech, delivered by the frightening-looking Balk (she sticks out like a sore thumb in a 50's flick). The acting is flimsy, and all the cameos in the world (Debbie Harry as Fairuza Balk's insane Christmas song-singing mom! The Sopranos' Big Pussy as a Big Priest!) can't save what is ultimately a bundle of script paper with fresh and shiny turd juice dripping off of it.

I saw this one for free, and the only reason I was even mildly amused by it was cuz I was delirious from exhaustion and hunger. Thus, I laughed at every "serious" scene, and developed a puzzled look every time an attempt at comedy was made. It takes a lot to make a group of great actors suck, and Deuces Wild does the job. That, and it kicks you in the nuts while you're down. You might as well go to a real fucking rumble...at least that's free.

(5.20.02)