"It's CLUE! Except...not funny." (reviewed by OG)

I tried to like this one. I really did.

Why, you ask? Why TRY and like anything? Well...it's full of British stars, you see. Really good ones! You've got Bob Balaban, Kristin Scott Thomas, Jeremy Northam, Helen Mirren, Clive Owen, Maggie Smith, Stephen Fry, Emily Watson, Richard E. Grant, and many many more! And hell...the plot's interesting. You have a platoon of elite socialites congregating at a mansion for a friendly weekend of hunting and tea drinking, only to have to deal with a sudden Agatha Christie-style murder. To add to the confusion, the lower levels of the place are populated by the elite's serving staff, who carry on in a similarly amusing caste system. And to top this bastard off...it's directed by Robert Altman, one of this world's most beloved and studied directors.

As an added annoyance, every single critic in the country licked the rim of this film's ass pipe, thus making it hard to dislike. I mean...why should I NOT fall in love with it? Am I deviant? Am I wrong in the head? Did my mom accidentally have a spit sample make its way into her egg back in 1977?

You're damn tootin'. Everything except the egg thing.

So here I am, alone on a soapbox, telling you to avoid this film. It's NOT because it lacks visually. God knows, they got the period down...all the way to the frickin' kitchen utensils. It's NOT because the actor's suck. Altman even manages to get Ryan Philippe to come across as a seasoned performer, and the rest of the cast shines...Emily Watson especially, as a no nonsense, heavy smoking maid. And it's NOT because of the film's outcome. It provides a subtle twist that I enjoyed, but too little...too late, as an ex girlfriend of mine once said.

The film, which runs at a heart stopping 137 minutes, takes 75% of its time to get to the murder plot. The rest deals with how boring the rich are and...well...that's about it. The rich are boring, manipulative bastards who care only for their own comfort and welfare. That's 2 hours right there. Well hey Billy Bob...NO FUCKING SHIT. I KNOW that the rich are boring, manipulative bastards who care only for their own comfort and welfare...I nearly run 6 or 7 of them over with my un-expensive Chrysler each day. I've had to suffer them in bars, malls, restaurants, and even at some family gatherings. I'm well versed in how pathetic many (not all, of course...my last purpose is to over-generalize) of them are...and I don't need Robert Altman to explain it to me like I was some 10-year-old water head trailer park test tube baby.

This "comedic romp" ends up being a slow, aimless, and barely existent bore, decorated with amazing actors, a few charming bits of dialogue (notice that the words "charming", in many occasions, is used to describe someone or something that you'd gladly spit on if given the chance...not by yours truly, of course), and a huge production budget. Next time, Hollywood, hand the reigns over to John Waters. He would have made this flick kick some serious ass.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Some deleted scenes and...who cares?

(7.10.02)