"You’re the 'Fuck You' Man, right? Suck MY dick, Eddie!" (reviewed by OG)

Synopsis: When the Switchblade, the most sophisticated prototype stealth fighter created yet, is stolen from the U.S. government, one of the United States' top spies, Alex Scott (Owen Wilson), is called to action. What he doesn't expect is to get teamed up with a cocky civilian, World Class Boxing Champion Kelly Robinson (Eddie Murphy), on a dangerous top-secret espionage mission. Their assignment: using equal parts skill and humor, catch Arnold Gundars, one of the world's most successful illegal arms dealers, and foil his treacherous plans for the plane. (courtesy of IMDB.com)

Sometimes, after being proven wrong, you’ll just stand there like a retard and say, “huh!” Sometimes, it’s a simple, “Well I’ll be damned….” Either way, the reaction is universal, AKA: I feel like a dumb shit for having thought/done ____________ in the way that I did, when in fact, the correct way to go about things was __________.

Sometimes it’s something big, like when you run over a priest with your car because you were to busy enjoying Sister Nancy’s lips on your throbbing member. Later on, while getting ass-raped in Cell Block D, you may think to yourself, “Hmmm…if only I had watched the road while the nun was slobbing my knob, I wouldn’t be contracting HIV right about….unnnh!….now.” It’s part regret. Part realization. Part enlightenment.

Oh, and forgive the graphic example, but I’m feeling ruthless today…so fuck off.

I love you.

Anyway, that’s how I felt after taking in the Eddie Murphy/Owen Wilson remake of I-SPY, which was provided to me via illegal DVD screener by a friend who I will refer to, for now, as Deep Throat. Two hours and a few pounds of cool ranch chips later, I’m sitting there, that blank expression on my face, an “I’ll be damned” getting ready to slip through my lips. As much as I thought this flick was going to suck the big one, it actually managed to keep me entertained for its hour and ninety minutes running time. Big fucking deal, right?

Well, it IS a big deal, you pole-smoker, and I’ll tell you why.

Eddie Murphy was my God when I was hit the 5th grade. Watching DELIRIOUS and RAW at that age did something miraculous. It kicked open the door of what comedy could be, and exposed me to a whole new rhythm of thought, thus sparking the fire that would eventually blaze on to form my sense of humor, which I’m told, is as expansive and multi-faceted as the sky is blue. That, or my asshole friends are plotting on me…fueling my confidence with false hopes and camouflaged lies.

So Eddie did for me what some high-priced gurus do for their celebrity clients…he expanded my horizons. His approach to comedy and expression led me to explore his work further, as well as the works of Redd Fox and Richard Pryor. His films, at the time, did a great job of reflecting his casual, fast-paced, and cleverly vulgar approach to comedy, with titles such as Beverly Hills Cop, The Golden Child, 48 Hours, Coming to America, and finally…Harlem Nights, which I consider to be, far and away, his most effective film. After Boomerang, however, things started going downhill, leaving us with utter shite like Holy Man and The Adventures of Pluto Nash. The problem with these films was that they restrained Murphy, and kept him from just going off like he used to in his earlier and more reckless days (the family dinner scene in The Klumps being a prime example of such abandon). They tamed him, as witnessed by the family fare he’s been starring in as of late. So imagine my surprise when a PG-13 flick gave Murphy back his mojo.

The film itself is a convoluted mess about some rich asshole (played by Malcolm McDowell) who steals an invisible plane, with Wilson and Murphy sent out to retrieve it. The twist: Wilson’s a spy and Murphy’s the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, who happens to be a bigger loudmouth than Muhammad Ali ever was. Throughout the many car chases, explosion sequences, and shoot outs, it’s this character’s demeanor that allows Murphy to reach into his old bag of tricks and let loose with a barrage of great one-liners, most of which feel improvised and on-the-spot (“Now go over there and bite her on the ass…” being one of the best). It’s that approach that turns what would otherwise be a typical “buddy” action flick into one of the better action-comedies of the year, and Wilson’s support, along with a neat role played by the always hilarious Gary Cole, makes things go down even smoother, just like that nun I mentioned earlier.

So yeah, for a brief moment, Eddie Murphy’s old self came back to the big screen, and I enjoyed every damn second of it. Now he’s got Daddy Day Care and Shrek 2 on the way, so I’m not expecting much more of this rare treat. Until then, I’ll have to go back to the scene in Harlem Nights where he’s aiming a gun at Della Reese’s foot.

“You’ll be the nine-toe-having-est, limping-est bitch in Harlem!”

(11.26.02)