"JASON X" (reviewed by OG)

Okay…so Jason Voorhees, in some hefty restraints, is being examined at the Crystal Lake scientific center, right? Cause, you know, nothing can kill him. They’ve tried gas, electrocution, and a firing squad. That pretty much covers it, right? God forbid they try to just cut off the asshole’s head and bury it somewhere in Utah. For the love of God, man…just dismember the fucker. But then again, we wouldn’t have the TENTH installment of the Friday the 13th series if that pesky logic were to be thrown in, right?

So where was I? Oh, right. So Jason escapes (no shit), kills all the military inspectors, and stalks the lone, beautiful scientist, who ends up in a cryogenic chamber. She tricks him into the stasis room and locks it; only to get stabbed when, get this, Jason rams an ordinary machete through a foot of steel! So the liquid nitrogen leaks out and freezes them both. Voila!

Fast forward 400 years or so (“but Mr. Og…wouldn’t somebody else have found them frozen in an important government-run facility within that time range?”). A group of students land on Earth and uncover Jason and the girl’s frozen bodies. They take them on board and thaw out the lovely lass, leaving Jason for dead on a slab. Oh…and all the students and scientists are perfectly beautiful guys and gals (they must have gotten rid of all the unpleasant looking folks in the future) who for some reason like to engage in premarital sex (uh oh!). Soon enough, our main nizzle Jason wakes up and starts slicing and dicing his way through students, techs, and soldiers…all of whom qualify to model for the Sears Catalog. Despite the fact that the survivors are trained and used to the future’s environment, it’s the unfrozen gal that all of a sudden knows what to do. Hey, man…at least the black guy doesn’t die first.

Strange how this little installment feels just like the first five or so. Dumbass teens are massacred for wanting to screw, and everyone does the dumbest shit you can imagine when faced with pretty simple predicaments. Jason grabs his machete right in front of you…do you a) run like a bitch, b) kick him in the sack, then run like a bitch, or c) turn around, facing away from him, and yell out “it’s okay guys…he just wanted his machete back!”

You do the math.

The flick is as straight-to-cable as it gets (the badly done CGI space ships look like giant testes with feet), but it’s not without its charms. A few of the deaths are pretty damned creative, and there’s a hilarious scene involving a mock hologram of Crystal Lake that spoofs the other installments’ clichés. A highlight features a female cyborg (with an amazingly bad haircut) taking on and beating the snot out of Jason, which will be refreshing to those used to the big dumb bastard’s tendency to absorb any and all attacks.

My advice: Wait till it hits video and watch it on a small TV. That’ll make the computer effects look more convincing, and it’ll help you ignore the flick when you engage in some pre-marital sex of your own.

(To read AX's review of JASON X, go to GONZORIFFIC.)

(3.26.02)