“Looks Like Meat’s BACK on the Menu, Boys!” (reviewed by OG)

NOTE: If you haven’t seen the first part of the LOTR trilogy, don’t bother reading this. You won’t get it, Jack.

There’s been so much that’s already been said about this, the second installment in Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy, and for the most part, it all rings the same. For my part, I will go ahead and reiterate what the thousands of fans and reviewers out there have been foaming at the mouth about…that is, the shit I actually agree with:

1.The Two Towers rises above the first part of the trilogy in terms of action, suspense, and pure visceral, crowd-pleasing narrative drive. It’s nearly 3 hours long, but it shoots by like a bullet, and although it doesn’t provide the intimacy that the Fellowship of the Ring dished out, it becomes obvious 20 minutes into TTT that it doesn’t NEED to. Jackson immediately assumes that you’ve seen the first one, and that if you haven’t, you’re a fucking moron. I like that in a director.

2.The creature Gollum/Smeagol is one of the most astounding CGI creations I’ve ever seen. Does it look absolutely believable? No, but it’s close. The key to the success of this character is the mind-numbingly effective acting delivered by Andy Serkis, who modeled and voiced the conflicted character. When Frodo puts Sting to its neck and it starts to cry like a child, you feel remorse, anger, a sense of justice, and pity…all at the same time. With Star Wars’ Jar Jar Binks, you only get the anger, and it’s for all the wrong reasons. George Lucas and ILM, watch your money-grubbing backs.

3.The Battle at Helm’s Deep is as good as the advance reviews have claimed. Peter Jackson has pulled off the most amazing visual battle scene of all time, replete with jaw dropping CGI work by his own WETA effects group…but it was the small moments on intimacy and humor that truly got me. Aragorn’s conversation with a young boy forced into battle is both appropriate and touching. “This is a good sword”, as he says, is as good a line as any classic in the list, and Gimli’s decision to go against an old dwarf law is fucking hilarious. “Don’t tell the elf…” indeed.

And then comes the stuff that stood out to me, on a personal level. This means a lot, since we caught this at a 1 am sneak preview screening. Anything that connects with you at that hour has to be meaningful.

(WARNING….SPOILERS AHEAD!)

1.The opening battle between Gandalf and the Balrog. Astounding and bad as shit (bad meaning good, whitey). It was just like I’d imagined it.

2.The short scuffle between the Uruk and the Orcs over whether or not Merry and Pippin should be eaten. The Uruk’s one-liner after beheading the Orc. I laughed hard.

3.Gandalf the White’s stand-off against Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli. The character is as cool and collected as one wished he’d been in the first installment. You’ll cheer when he makes Saruman’s face bleed.

4.The TreeBeard character, whose entrance is reminiscent of the Rock Eater’s in the Neverending Story. I loved this guy, simply because he could be gentle and murderous at the same time, just like Steven Seagal.

5.Legolas defending Gimli after his life is threatened. The fact that these two are no longer sworn enemies, but two friends who love to dig on each other. The scene where they compare kills is hilarious; as is Legolas’ offer to get him a “box”.

6.Brad Dourif’s portrayal of Gríma Wormtongue is dead-on, vicious, and determined. I’ve loved this guy since I first heard his voice in Child’s Play.

7.The character of Éowyn, and how it’s portrayed by Miranda Otto. She’s soft and courageous, and the look that overcomes her face upon Aragorn’s safe return is heartbreaking. Blonde Girls from Rohan Rule.

8.Gollum’s constant referral to Samwise Gamgee as “the fat hobbit”.

9.The scene in the bog, where Frodo falls in. The “demons” there reminded me of Jackson’s earlier work in “The Frighteners” and “Dead Alive.” Very cool.

10.The scene where Gollum battles Smeagol for possession of his body and mind is what NEEDS to get Andy Serkis nominated for an Oscar. I know, I know…it’s a CGI-based character, but it’s that DAMN good.

11.The peek we get of the gates of Mordor, as well as the Nazgul, who now ride around on black dragons. I don’t blame them, considering their previous mode of transportation got them bitch-slapped down a river.

And last, but not least, the few things that didn’t thrill me, per say:

1.Samwise Gamgee’s final “speech”. For some reason it felt like a cheesy pre-football game pep talk, but it’s thankfully short and relatively painless in comparison to the rest of the film.

2.Samwise Gamgee. Or better yet, Sean Astin. For some reason I can’t stand his work here. Maybe it’s the whole One-Eyed-Willie thing. Maybe it’s the fact that he calls his friend “MISTER Frodo.”…or that he refers to himself as “your Sam” when staring into Frodo’s eyes. If the two are gay, I don’t mind, but don’t pussyfoot around the issue, for God’s sake.

3.The Wargs. For a split second they looked fake. Very fake. 10 seconds later, all was well with the world again.

And that’s it, folks. Like I said, a lot has already been said, and I am not one to repeat the obvious. This one is definitely making it into my top 10 of 2002 list, and deservedly so. Peter Jackson has done it again…faithfully bringing material to the big screen that any other director would have stumbled and tripped on. At this point, I am still overwhelmed by the film’s power and drive. It’s vision. It’s accomplishment and vigor.

And there’s still ONE MORE LEFT.

(12.22.02)