"Wow…this film sure seems to DRAG ON! Get it? DRAG ON? Dragon? HA!" (reviewed by OG)

So I’m sitting there, waiting for this flick to start, and they show some bullshit preview for some flick called SWIMFAN, starring Erica Christensen (think Julia Stiles after being stung by a massive bee) as a scorned obsessive lover who floods the poor male victim’s email with love notes and nude photos before going schizoid and going after his girlfriend. You see, the guy’s a high school swimmer and she’s his crazed fan. Hence, the name. But seriously, folks…the home computer is painted as an evil tool in this one. A tool used for the torturing of others, if you will. That struck me as odd, since my PC has become my best friend in recent months (emails from hot, impressionable German girls…yay!). The movie, by the way, looks dumb as shit…. an extension of a situation that only white upper class kids would get caught in. Had it been a Colombian film, the girl wouldn’t have lived past her first threatening email. She’d be gutted and used for drug storage. That’s just us, though.

After that, we got a short and sweet trailer for the new Steven Dorf film, a dark horror thriller called FEAR DOT COM. At this point I started laughing. The flick looked like it could be okay (directed by the guy who did HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, an underrated film), but once again, computers are demonized. Shit, man…I only WISH my PC could summon demons. Imagine the problems I’d be able to take care of in 2 seconds flat! Credit Card bills? No more! Some girl won’t give you the time of day? Ha! One spell and she’ll be licking albacore tuna from your navel. Sure, you’d be in debt to some unholy horned gnome with a name totally comprised of consonants, but it would beat owing the friggin’ IRS, right?

Anywhoo…REIGN OF FIRE, as luck would have it, ended up being what many fans will undoubtedly label as a “subtle genre hit”. Personally, I’d label it somewhere along the lines as a “you saw everything in the fucking trailer” genre piece. And that’s the case, folks. All the cool shit from REIGN OF FIRE is easily accessed by flipping on your tube and waiting for the commercial. Other than that, it’s a Road Warrior-type film jammed to the brim with A-caliber actors and Z-grade character development.

Let’s see how fast I can do this:

Kid in London sees mom die after her construction group unearths a dragon. Kid grows up after dragons destroy world and leads a subtle rebellion. American steroid fuel jackass shows up with a military crew to “help” and pretty much gets everyone killed. Final showdown between man and dragon at the end.

Damn, I’m good. Throw in a dog and you’ll get some laughs.

Now the specifics:

Christian Bale is quite good as Quinn, leader of the underground. He actually sounds British (IS he British? If he is, then color me dumbass). Matthew McConaughey is excellent as Van Zant, the testosterone fueled Yank who shows up to fuck the dragons in the ass with an iron axe. There’s some girl who flies a helicopter and…um…that’s all she does, really. There’s lots of cute kids in the rebel castle so you feel for the human cause, and a neat homage to Star Wars (wonder how long it’ll be till Lucas adds CGI to this particular sequence?). There’s a semi-thrilling skydiving scene, which loses its momentum once you stop and realize that there’s GOTTA be an easier way to topple a fucking dragon than chasing it in the air and throwing a NET on it.

The dragons are primarily CGI creations, and they’re pretty well done. No Sean Connery inspired faces here, just a million or so really evil, pissed off creatures. I overheard some girl behind me mumbling something about how cool dragons were and how she hoped none of them got hurt in the film. I wondered aloud how steadily that little world-view would stand if she were ever inches away from a napalm-burp to the ass after her family got gobbled and shat out up by Puff himself.

So is this a bad film? Actually…no. It has a dark and gothic mood about it that’s well developed and conceived, but the filmmakers made the unfortunate assumption that we’d actually give a fuck about the humans’ interactions with one another. This takes up 70% of the film, while the actual dragon action (and the closing credits) takes up the rest. Big mistake.

My version of the film?

Kid finds dragon and gets whacked. Dragons destroy the world. Rival factions within the dragon society form and a 2-hour winged reptile war breaks out. Only one man survives to witness this…played by Bruce Campbell. Has a face off with the 2 remaining dragons. Kills them violently during the last 30 minutes while spouting great one-liners. Stands amidst the scorched earth, axe in hand, dead flesh everywhere. Angelina Jolie jumps out behind a rock, butt ass naked and covered in baby oil (you see, she’d been hiding in what used to be a baby oil factory so…). He kisses her and starts propagating the species. Credits roll.

I’d pay 8 bucks for that shit.

(7.16.02)