"IF SEAN CONNERY WAS IN THE ROCK, DOES THAT MEAN HE'S GAY?" (reviewed by OG)

There's a scene in THE SCORPION KING where The Rock, buried up to his neck in sand, is approached by a swarm of flesh eating ants. As they approach, the crowd collectively wonders how the hell he's going to get out of this not-so-common situation. "Hey," my brother asked me as we watched intently. "How will he get out if this not-so-common situation?" "I'm not sure," I responded. "But I will make sure to place your query in my next review."

By the time I was done with my sentence, the Rock was busy crushing the ants with his chin and slurping the ones on his face into his mouth, chewing madly to save himself.

"Well fuck me in the eye." My brother said. "He's eating them."

"Yes" I agreed. "Mind if I use that 'fuck me in the eye' line in my next review?"

"Not at all..." was his kind reply.

So yeah, THE SCORPION KING is a pretty good flick. All popcorn and no brains, though, so all you head-up-the-ass college film majors might as well look elsewhere. Go rent something by David Lynch and fall asleep with your hands inside your lonely pants. Everyone else with a drop of fun in your souls, you might just dig this one. It's plot involves an evil conqueror with a beautiful psychic sorceress, and the lone warrior (AKA Duane Johnson...um...AKA: The Rock) that's destined to stand against the bad guy's evil while seducing his right hand gal. That's the long and short of it. The rest is swordplay, campy comedy, and tons of "cool" Rock shots designed to body slam his presence into the world of mainstream action cinema. You see, I said "body slam" because he's a wrestler. It's clever. Fucking enjoy it.

One of the coolest things about this 2-hour Xena episode, though, is the lack of computer-generated effects, which turned the "Mummy 2"'s grand finale (the film that originally introduced the Scorpion King character) into a laugh riot. SCORPION's climax, on the other hand, features an actual visceral battle sequence that's completely void of recent tricks of the trade (for an example of this stuff in gross amounts, go see "Attack of the Clones"). This in itself is refreshing, and the film's momentum and pure glee does nothing but add to the total.

As for the Rock, he's definitely playing it smart, taking on a role with minimal dialogue and maximum presence, showing off in every physical way. He's destined; it seems, for the same stardom that Schwarzenegger has accomplished, as long as he keeps taking the roles that fit his abilities. His recent performances on Saturday Night Live also show a flair for comedy, and I'm curious as to how the pro wrestler would fare in a slapstick role. In the meantime, his first film definitely succeeds at what it attempts to do: entertain.

(5.20.02)