"My Donkey Sack can defeat your Dragon Tit!" (reviewed by OG)

After soccer superstar "Golden Leg" Fung (Ng Man Tat) decides to take a "dishonor" check to lose an important soccer match, his career goes down the drain as the crowd rushes the field and beats and cripples Fung for his missed goal. Twenty years later, Fung is a lackey for evil soccer furor, Hung (Patrick Tse), who happens to not only used to be the teammate Fung picked on, but now a soccer legend and the chairman of the National Soccer League. Depressed and broken for his reversal of fortune and the particular truths he finds out about his accident, Fung walks the streets finding reasons to live. Fortunately, Fung stumbles upon Sing (Stephen Chow), a martial artists trying to find ways to bring Kung Fu into the mainstream. After much preparation and soul searching, Fung gathers Sing and his Shaolin brothers together to form a team like no other: a Kung Fu based soccer team. While Sing trains and battles it out Shaolin style in the soccer ring, he attempts to woo Mei (Vicki Zhao Wei's), a shy, charming, and hideously-scarred girl who uses her Tai Chi skills to make the damn best mantou (steamed bread) in the world.

SCHEDULED FOR US THEATRICAL RELEASE IN 2003.

Holy shit. This movie rocks.

Let me say again: This fucking movie rocks.

How much does it rock?

Um…. a fucking LOT.

Director Stephen Chow (actor and star of the GOD OF COOKERY) stars in and commands one of the highest grossing films in Asian history, soon to be released here in the states, dubbed, cut, and probably screwed over (check the DVD out instead, available at a black market video store near you!). But man oh man…did I mention this movie rocks? Fucking rocks?

Fuck Jackie Chan, and fuck Jet Li. Great athletes with amazing skill, but the last batch of flicks they’ve put out are put to immediate SHAME by Chow’s vision and sense of comedic timing. If you’ve ever played STREET FIGHTER (a classic bombastic video game), then you can get a mild vision of what this film delivers visually when it puts these Shaolin monks on the soccer field (don’t know what I’m talking about? Then read the synopsis above, shithead). The slow progression the team makes (from clueless former kung fu monks to bad ass soccer players) delivers a mixture of sentimentality, goofy pop culture references (the film’s only downfall is a Michael Jackson/”Thriller” homage, but that shit only lasts for 2 minutes), a high-octane level of physical comedy, and AMAZING action sequences.

At full strength, the monks tear ass through opposing teams, delivering 500 meters-in-the-air spin kicks, breakdance-style dribbling, quadruple flip passes, and unbelievable goal tending from a Bruce Lee wannabe. The CGI enhancement never looks cheesy, delivering shots that you just won’t believe until you see them. Let’s just say that at one point, a powerfully kicked soccer ball turns into a fiery lioness, burning and blazing towards the goal line, and that’s just a minor sequence in the grand scheme of the grand finale: An awe-inspiring battle between the benevolent monks and The Evil Team (yes…that’s what they call themselves, just so you Christian private school kids won’t get confused). The final tracking shot through the city streets is one of the best finishers I’ve seen in some time.

So yeah, the movie fucking rocks. Did I mention that?

SHAOLIN SOCCER inspired an inner thrill in me that I had previously only felt in small bursts during films like FIST OF LEGEND, HARD BOILED, and the MATRIX. SOCCER delivered that same adrenaline shot to the heart, but in massive doses, scattered throughout an entire 112-minute period.

THIS is what movies should do to you, people. THIS is how you should feel after leaving a theater. Elated. Excited. Thrilled. After watching this one, I am now prepared to kick George Lucas in the balls for taking what could have been an amazing set of STAR WARS prequels and watering them down to a point that could almost be considered a major felony. Take note, Mr. Lucas. Stephen Chow is coming to kick your ass. I’ll be standing right behind him with a fucking spiked BAT.

(8.28.02)