"M. Night Shyamalan directs…the TESLA biography!" (reviewed by OG)

Okay…maybe not. Either way, I’ve got to start this off by referring to the Ain’t it Cool News website, a site that I occasionally check out for movie news when I’m slitting my wrists from boredom at work. The Monday after checking SIGNS out, I had a look at the “Talkback” section of the site, where uber geeks from all over the nation slam or praise the films in question. I was convinced, in my own naïve mind, that there was no way in hell anyone could possibly slam this film (more on why in a few ticks), but I nevertheless encountered the following gems:

“you have been manipulated in to enjoying the movie by a gimmicky script not clever storytelling”

“Give me a break. This film was just average - stupid dialog with a few genuine scares”

“Is everyone out there brainwashed, or did I just see a different movie? A man in a rubber suit; the acting was stilted; Mel Gibson looked like he was making fun of someone who has real emotions; I mean, c'mon - This was a dumb movie! The theater I was in was sold out, and when M. Night's name came up at the end, the whole theater chuckled”

(actual spelling used on message board) “The movie is lame and sux. If the last 30min were like Dead Alive or something. Building creepy kinda atmosfeer then turn it into a gore fest woulda been awesome like aliens dieing left and riht hahaeahea tht be so kewlz. SIGNZ SUX GONADZ”

And my favorite:

“This movie sucked. The writing of the plot was, like, lifted out of dozens of movies. The idea of alien invasion is such a rip-off. Plus added to that is the fact that the director is an Indian and everyone knows they can't direct.”

I sat there, in awe of how soulless the human race had become. I had to respond. Part of me knew that it was a pointless thing to do, but my rage eradicated my sense of logic. For the first and only time, I RESPONDED to a talkback geek forum. The following was my retort (posted as THE COLOMBIAN):

“Lots of people saw this movie and loved it! Holy shit! We can't have that! I watched it and was secretly taken it by its plot, and I was actually moved...AND it was made by a guy who's (probably) younger than me, and a hell of a lot more talented. My friend Bill stated that he hated it months before it came out...he saw it, and he hated it DURING the screening and AFTER he saw it. So what if all he did was scoff at every meaningful sequence...or laugh at every honest performance? Wow...he even criticized the children in the film. Bill is my GOD. But when the lights went out, people clapped. THIS CANNOT BE!!! I feel so manipulated!

I know what I'll do.... I’ll deconstruct it in my mind Saturday night (after all, it's not like I have anything ELSE to do!), and then I'll post my bullshit nay-sayer thoughts on every message board on the net! That'll teach those who actually enjoy being entertained! That'll teach M. Night himself, who I'm sure will read my post and fall to his knees...blubbering and clutching at his pen, refusing to work on anything else simply because I dumped on his latest work. HA! I am a true FAN. One who does not let the beauty of storytelling touch me. When my friend's mother died of cancer...I was there. And boy, was her performance lacking! She was like Julia Roberts or something...trying to do a decent death scene, but I've seen better death scenes in my vast collection of French cinema and in some of my own 8mm films, which by far exceed anything Spielberg and Shyamalan have EVER done. But since my ideas aren't popular...then that means that everything that IS popular SUCKS!! Doesn't that make sense? Of course it does!

MOM! CAN YOU HEAR ME?? BRING ME SOME FUCKING COOKIES!! ALSO, TURN UP THE HEAT!! IT'S NOT AS WARM DOWN HERE AS IT IS IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!

Time to make my pointless thoughts known. Time to infect the world with my stupidity. Time to shut myself off and let nothing worthwhile touch me. If I even admit that I enjoyed something, it would be a sign of weakness. All the other Mecha-geeks out here would devour me like jackals devouring an injured pack mate. I'll tell everyone that when the lights dimmed, no one clapped...people just chuckled. So what if what they were chuckling at was my fat ass stuck in the seat, the remnants of popcorn strewn about like so many escaped prisoners. I'll tell everyone that the world hated it along with me, even though it's making millions, and will continue to do so. My plan is flawless, just like my child porn collection.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...that's much better.

In destroying art, I find validity in my existence. All those who enjoy being entertained are fools. One should NEVER walk out of a film satisfied and happy, no matter HOW great the film is (unless it's made by some obscure director who I THINK I've discovered on my own...then it rocks!). I am the only one who TRULY knows, and it is my DUTY to communicate the flaws of others to the WORLD...even though my untalented ass can barely get hired at a fucking Blockbuster (those corporate sluts!!!). Ahhh...I feel SO much better. Now I am off to find some tweezers. I've only masturbated to shots of female Klingons 5 times tonight.

I must be getting slow in my old age!!!!”

I took a deep breath and posted the message. In a matter of seconds others responded, basically laughing their asses off and cheering me on. A few inches of faith in the human race were restored. My favorite response:

“THE COLOMBIAN OWNS ALL OF YOU! Excellent post, they are probably trying to dissect your post now too - you can’t have one over on them. Watch the replies. Nice One Colombian. You rock.”

So I fought back. A little. I made at least one lifeless and bitter asshole wince. That’s all I wanted to do. The reason being this:

SIGNS is a remarkable film and a true achievement in the age old art of just plain STORY TELLING. It’s as simple as that, and it’s that structure that’s probably driving these asshole fan boys up the wall. Shyamalan’s technique is a deliberate building of storyline that leads to an always amazing conclusion, and I imagined myself around a campfire at times, listening to a wise man spin a mind-blowing yarn about a former priest (Mel Gibson) who loses his faith after his wife dies in a terrible accident, his troubled children, and his caring younger brother (Joaquin Phoenix), all who reside in farm country located in the middle of nowhere. A lowly situation, at best, until a crop circle suddenly turns up in the middle of the priest’s cornfield…and a strange figure makes its presence known on his rooftop.

It’s this premise…that of a common family confronted by a monumentally strange situation, which makes SIGNS the wonder that it is. Instead of going the “Independence Day” route and showing the world’s reaction to a possible alien invasion, Shyamalan instead keeps his focus on this one family, and the circumstances that lead, bit by bit, to a multi-tiered climax that’ll leave you shaking in your seat.

Shyamalan, as he did in THE SIXTH SENSE and the very underrated UNBREAKABLE, starts the story off with deliberate long shots and extended dialogue meant to build characters and story. This is his method, and it has always worked.. The difference, however, between these and those he’s accomplished before is that they’re peppered with an intriguingly honest sense of humor. There’s a hilarious scene in a pharmacy where Gibson’s character receives an impromptu confession from a teenage clerk that comes out of nowhere, but seems perfectly natural, and Joaquin Phoenix’s slow metamorphosis from skeptic to believer is amusing and well played. Gibson’s daughter, by the way, has the best lines in the flick.

But let’s not forget the shocks and scares, of which there are many, constructed in a way that recalls the works of Hitchcock and early John Carpenter. Not plain old jump scenes, mind you, but scenes that build to a boiling point, and hold there for quite some time, until you’re virtually sure that something’s going to happen. When it doesn’t, and you bask in that comfort, Shyamalan reaches out and punches you in the face with an image, sound, or both that leave you nervous and giggling. In one of these scenes, he immediately follows it up with one of the funniest images I’ve seen in quite some time, delivering a tension reliever one wouldn’t expect from a director as intense and stoic as Shyamalan. It’s this mixture of elements that makes SIGNS just as good as his previous works, if not better, it’s only detractor being the final 2 minute sequence of the film, which I felt didn’t need to be there. For a split second you feel like you’re being talked down to, but it’s a mistake that’s easy to forgive. SIGNS is a perfect example of not just an amazing story, but an amazing story WELL TOLD.

So…is Shyamalan the next Spielberg, a claim so many uber nerds are lamenting? Well…no. And I’ll tell you why. Spielberg’s first 3 major directing tasks fell on “Jaws”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, and “1941”. 2 of these films were dubbed classics, the third one flopped. Shyamalan, with UNBREAKABLE suffered a similar flop, but only monetarily…the quality of said film is untouchable (“1941” is pure shit). But as I look at the quality of Shyamalan’s work (an early film starring Rosie O’Donnell, due to his lack of control, can be seen as forgettable) I find myself more drawn to it than I ever was to Spielberg’s. Granted…Spielberg has evolved into an intriguing and massive directorial presence (people who slam “Saving Private Ryan” and “Schindler’s List” have TITANIC balls), but Shyamalan appears to already be there…and it’s only taken him a handful of films to do so. Take a look at the evidence, and decide for yourself which of the two has the upper hand.

(8.6.02)