THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

February 14

Wail G'mornin' folks,

Jes in case yew been a livin' in a real dark corner fer the past few weks ah'm a gona remind all muh male readers out thar thet today is Valentines day.....Yep.....en yew know whut thet means....it means if'n ya don't git out thar t'day en git yer honey a gift en a card er sumtin' yer gona be rat back in thet very dark corner......unless ya dew sumtin' stupid lak Herbie Rootbush did las year.....Oh he remembered th' dat burn importance of th' day al righty....but he jes let th' smallness o' his brain become real apparent....it seems he not only had his wife of twenty years to git a gift fer, yew know who she iz... Madaline? Yep... she's the one thet werks over at the drug store whar they sells all them purty cards en all.....Wail enyhow, seems Ol Herbie he'd been dewin' a bit o' sparking with Belinda Marie who works over at th' feed mill.... ah s'pect everyone in town knowed 'bout it s'cept of course Madaline.....en yewed thank she woulda figured it out since everytime ol' Herbie got his chicken feed... Belinda Marie would send it over in th' most God awfull looking feed bags on th' face of th' earth.... en when Madaline made her Sunday go t' meetin' dresses out of em she looked lak a thet big ol' billboard out side a town thar thet the kids dun splattered with paint ....but enyhow......las' year when Ol' cupid shot his arrow at Herbie th' dang thang musta hit em square in th' butt en lodged in his brain er sumtin..... It seems thet th' problem with a having two gals in yer lafe is thet...on sum hollerdays en events this means two gifts er cards er sumtin'....So Herbie being th' courteous guy thet he is..... goes out en gits him two identical cards en rats a whole bunch o' gooy stuff t' Belinda en starts it out with , "My Dearest Belinda" en then signs it, "Yer Luve animal, Herbie" He then takes th' udder card card en begins with...."To muh wife" en ends it with, "Herbie" He then seals em up.....en then.......EN THEN!!!! rats the addresses on em en drops em in th mail box......Betcha can't guess who got who's card........Now this here being a family nooze paper en all ah kain't come rat out en repeat whut Madeline had t' say to Herbie 'bout it......but ah kin tell ya thet Herbie suffered one of them near death experiences en walked 'round kinda bent over fer quite a spell.....en Madeline says he ain't gona be nobodys love animal no more 'cause she nailed certain critical body parts thet once wuz hooked t' Herbie t' th' side of th' woodshed...... So let this here be a word t' th' wise on this wunderful day.....

In a more somber note Marvin Herkle passed away las' week from complications he developed after his las' surgery over at Doc Phlem's office. As most of ya knows Ol' Marv wuz most lakly th' sickliest guy in th' whole dang county. In his 94 years he had jes 'bout every body part replaced thet cud be ...en a few thet he shouldn't have in th' first place. In addition t' th' steel plate in hiz haid as a result of thet nasty kick from th' mule las summer... when Ol Marv died he had an art'ficial leg....glass eyeball...toupee....false teeth.....a pace maker.....hearin' aid en a plastic knee cap.... The funeral wuz held out th' Greasy Corner Memorial Gardens en Skeet Shootin' Range en wuz officiated by th' Reveren Billy Joe Dung who closed down hiz bar en grill fer th' ocassion.....The 'rangement wuz taken care of by Jakes taxidermy shop en Funeral home who dun a splendid job ah might add...Ol Marv looked better laid out on thet deer head plack then he did in real lafe..... Unfortunaly thar wuz one l'il ol hitch thet put a bit o' damper on the final restin' place fer Ol Marv...Jes as we wuz 'bout to put em in th' ground sum smart alecky guy from th' EPA showed up en said we cudn't bury em 'cause he had too many man made parts em en thet he'd haft t' go to one of them thar hazardous materials landfills.....So's whiles we wait to find em a proper burial spot, yew folks still got time t' stop by Jakes taxidermy shop en pay yer las' respects..... Thet'll be him a lying in the front winder be'twix th' bear thet's a eating th' squirrel en Bubba's ten point deer head.....

Til next week folks.....HAPPY VALENTINES DAY !!!!!!

PERSONALS

To muh darlin' Jenniffer Flowers....Ah knows ah'm a taking a chance here by a ratin' this here note t' ya honey....but ah don't thank the nosey r'porters up chere in Wershington D.C. reads th' gazzette enyhow.....Ah want ya to know thet ah still thinks 'bout ya a lot en yew is still muh special Valentine....ah realize ya really don't unnerstand why I ain't been a callin' on ya nun lately but yew know how 'portant public o'pinion is in muh job..En with all th' dang phones chere at th' White House a being bugged en all it ain't sech a good idear t' try t' call ya honey.....The good newz is thet my popularity has been on th' rise here lately en muh advisers tell me thet if muh ratin's git up t' 60% ah kin start a datin' again....
Til then........Hugs en Kisses ....Billy