THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

January 10

Well folks it's that time of the month again......Nope don't mean t' feed the Tidy bowl man neither.....it's election time.....As most of ya know the Greasy Corner board of elections made sum 'portant decisions at the last meeting and have decided to reform the way we wus t' do it from here on out....Lot's a folks wuz complainin' 'bout goin' to th' polls 12 times a year t' 'lect the people t' run the town.....Even if'n ya hadn't had it s'plained t' ya it wuz becoming clear 'bout the inconvience at th' last 'lection when only six folks showed up t' vote and they wuz all the candidates......Well there wuz that one fella who weren't running that claimed to be Bob Hash but schucks we all knowed rat away twern't him cause the whole town wuz watchin' the night he tried t' walk across main street on the overhaed telehone line while carrying a lite stick of dyamite in his mouth.....Never will fergit that incidence either..'specially since I had a wager on it myself
but never wuz able t' collect ......next time I bet sumbody thay can't do sumthin' you can be sure I'll have somebody else hold the prize money 'til he completes the deed......

Anyhow......The rules for selectin' th' candidates is gona be th' following. As usual everybody in town is el'gible t' run fer any of th' offices that's up fer grabs....namely this here time its th' offices of police chief, mayor and fire chief. Now since it customary fer almost everybody in town t' want t' run fer office th' 'lection board done figgered out a way t' speed up th' s'lection process. First of all every candidate has t' fill out the form
that's following this here s'plaination. After th' form is filled out youse has t' send it to the 'lection board along with five bucks filing fee. From each of the forms fer th' difference office ten candidates names will be drawed from th' box they keep em in. Each of the ten candidates fer each office will be notified that theys th' ones s'lected. Then on January 10 begining at 10 o'clock in th' morning beginin' with the race fer mayor, radio station WGCA will play th' first record......if youse th' 6th caller...you got
it....At ten fifteen th' eighth caller wins th' police chief job and at ten turty it will be th' fourth caller fer th' fire chief. I s'pose it goes without saying that the past fire chief Jerome Skunkweed ain't gona be runnin this time since police chief Stewart Hicks arrested him fer using th' fire truck in his spare time t' pump out septic tanks. Out going Mayor Jeff Barlow havin' also been arrested by th' Police chief fer puttin' sluggs in th' parking meter and causing it t' jam up has been disqualified en' the jury is still out on th'
charges agin Steward himself accusin' him of usin' th' patrol car when off duty as a taxi cab up in Little Rock. Th' money collected fer th' filling fee is used fer th' legal defense fund to pay fer th' lawyers thats gona be defending th' outgoin' town officials.

E'FFICIAL A'PLICATION FER TOWN OF'FCERS OF GREASY CORNER

Office yer runnin' fer: Mayor_____police chief____fire Chief____ Dog catcher___
A'fficial town drunk_____ Beauti queen______

Name__________________Nickname_____________ CB Handle_________

Yore Mama__________________Your Daddy (if knowd)________________

Shade of yer neck: light red________ Medium red______ Dark red______

Name of yo pickup truck__________________

Truck Equipment: Gun Rack_____ Cotton tail______ Pit Bull______
Spit Cap_______ Rebel Flag______ Fuzzy dice____
Naked Broad Scent on Mirror___________

Fav-or-rite Recreation Drinkin'____ Bull Chip throwin'___Possum Huntin'___ Craw Dad Huntin'____ Spittin Backy___ Other____

Weapons Owned: Tire Iron_____ Pick Handle_____ Log Cabin____
Beer Bottle____ Scatter Gun_____

Number of Dogs Owned: 1-6_______ Over ten_______

Number of weeks unemployed____

Which of the following 'ppliances dew yew have in yore yard?
Friggerator____ Heatin' Stove_____ warsher_____ TV_____ Freezer____

Dew any of th' 'bove 'ppliances work? circle 1 2

How many old cars on blocks in yer front yard?________________

When wuz yer las' Elvis sightin'?

How many homemade tatoos on yew?___________ Where?__________

Are yew married to any of th' followin'? Sister?________ Cuzzin_______

Dew yew know her name? Yup________ Nope________

Which weights more, yer wife or yer pickup? wife__________ Pickup________

At yer home which stinks most? Wife________ Hogpen______ Outhouse___

Can yew spell yer name rat most of th' time? Yup________ Nope______

Does yer baby sleep in the box th' TV came in? Yup_______ Nope____

Have yew ever stayed sobber fer a whole day? Yup____Nope___ Not sure___

Dew yew know any words with more than four letters? Yup____ Nope____

Describe th' diff'rence be'twix a "tater" and a "mater"__________

Which is correct, "I seed em" or "I seen em"?_____________

Highest grade finnished in schew 1st grade__________ 4th grade________

How many cartons of cigareets dew yew smoke a day?________

Math Tests: How many food stamps does th' followin' cost?
Six Pack____ Pug Backy_____ Shotgun Shells_______
Ciggies______ Prostitute_______

Health questions. Which of the followin' dew yew have?
Head lice____ B.O.____ Crabs_____ Runny nose______

Can yew remember th' las' time ya took a bath? (caught in the rain don't count)
Yup_____ Nope____

I hereby swear this here is th' tooth and sign muh X on this here spot____________