THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

February 21 , 1996

Wail G'mornin' folks,

In court nooze th' utter day Judge Harry Hangemhi heard th' case of Paulie Joner vs Th' Knothead Construction Co. ...Seems ol Paulie wuz a suing the construction company fer faulty workmanship on hiz new house thet he had designed en wus jes finialy dun 'round Christmas time...... 'Cording to th' court records Paulie lawyers contend thet having completed about six classes in draftin afore he got kicked out fer a smokin' in th' locker room at th' school O' Paulie wuz well qualified to take this here knowledge en designed himself a structure thet would be th' envy of everyone in town since this here thang would be of a more modernistic concept then simialer houses in th' town....It would be designed to fit rat in with th' surroundin's en have all the modern comforts en all..... Among th' c'plaints filed charging th' company with faulty workmanship they contends thet the paper they hung on th' wall came down th' minute he put hiz hand on it.....th' water pipes froze en busted....splinters wuz evrywhar ........th' front door didn't close tight en enyone a walkin' by cud jes look rat inside.....a nasty odor wuz a comin' from th' basement ...en th' house didn't meet th' buildin' code nohow...... On th' udder hand th' lawyers fer th' construction company claimed thet they hung th' paper 'cordin' t' Paulie's request....th' water pipes froze 'cause Paulie didn't design no heating plant fer th' house......th' splinter's wuz Paulies fault 'cause he got th' wood hisself from down at th' sawmill.....th' odor wuz from poor ventilazion design.......en it weren't because th' front door didn't close tight thet allowed folks t' look rat in....it wuz a fault of th' kinda door ol' Paulie had got t' put on thar in th' first place....After a listenin' t' th' two sides yell at each udder for about twenty minutes th' Judge slammed hiz little hammer down en told everyone t' hush up 'cause he dun herd 'nuff en he wuz gona go t' hiz chambers t' ponder th' situation fer a spell ...en so he then went into th' little room en th' back t' finish th' checker game him en Bubba had started at breakfast....'pparently ol' Bubba musta jumped three er four of th' judges kings at once er sumtin' cause when th' Judge returned t' th' bench yew cud see fire in hiz eye........He slamed th' hammer into th' table top again en told Paulie t' rise up....While a pointin' hiz finger rat at Ol' Paulie hiz Honor yells rat at em en sez......."Ah jes got four thangs t' say to ya Mr. Joner.....jes 'cause yew dun went en took thet fancy course don't carry no weight with me rat here in this here court.....en ah ain't a sayin' this jes cause muh Brother in law owns the company yew is a suing neither..... but let's jes look at the facts o' this here case......Number one... they ain't no buildin' code fer this kinda house.... Number two.....a glass eye cudda seen a wooden leg through thet thar clear glass door yew bought.....En fact ah walked past thar th' utter nite en looked rat in en seen your fat wife a sitting in thar jes as purty as ya please lak she wuz thinkin' she wuz invisible er sumtin'...number three... since yew's th' onliest one smart alekey 'nuff in town t' put running water in th' house yew shoulda been smart 'nuff t' git a pot bellied stove er sumtin' so's th' water didn't freeze......en number four.....Jes whar dew yew git off being so uppity as t' use paper a hangin' on th' wall .....seems t' me corn cobbs er a mail order catalog in yer new outhouse cudda dun th' job jes fine........Case dismissed......" then he turns t' th baliff en says, "Git on back thar en arrest Bubba en fine him three dollars en ffity cents fer a loiterin' in the court house......

EDDYTORIALS

Dad gum it all folks ah'm begining t' git concerned here lately 'bout how sum o' th folks in this here town is beginin' git jes a little bit snooty lak sum o' th' folks up in them big cities is doing...Ah realizes thet th' folks up in places lak New York en Chicago kin tend t' be a l'il bit cold... en special events lak valentines day maybe it don't carry as much meaning as it cud en all......but when folks in a l'il ol quiet town lak Greasy Corner starts a innerfearing with a feller's romanic whims on such a day it sorta makes ya wonder if chiverey jes ain't about dead in th' whole world.....Ah'm a talkin' 'bout th' way the police chief locked up ol' Henry Hoggin the town drunk fer a courtin' th' gal o' his dreams with th' flowers, en th' cards en a singin' them love songs unner her bedroom winder....ah means... Come on chief......think of th' spirit of th' ocassion....en th' fact thet ol' Henry wuz most lakly jes struck by cupid's arrow......Ah mean shucks..... if'n yer wife really loves ya...she ain't a gona leave ya fer him enyhow.......