THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

February 28

Wail G'mornin' folks,

Wail Ah'm real happy t' report thet 'Ol Ernie Cornrake is back on his feet en a walkin' 'round town 'gain after his unfortunate mishap back in November....Yew folks mat 'memeber how he got his l'il toe cut off when he went t' collect his turkey fer th' Thankgiven dinner....en then jes t' add t' th' confusin' th' doc ax'dently replaced his toe with the thang thet hangs down off'n the turkeys beak cause it got cut off too.........Wail enhow......after two operations.....one t' put th' thang on his foot en th' udder t' take it back off again....he wuz a looking real good th' udder day when ah seen him a sittin' down on th' porch of th' hardware store. He wuz a showin' me th' brand new barlow knife he had bought with th' insurance money en wuz a sitting thar a whittlin' his self a brand new artifical toe t' replace th' one th' turkey took. Ah ask him jes why in tarnation he felt it wuz so 'portant t' go t' all th' trouble t' whittle em a new toe cause if'n it's a missing, SO WHUT? Ain't nobody gona notice nun....he then started a tellin' me 'bout how in the summer time he laks to sit out on th' front porch in his bare feet....en since he's got 'bout 15 grandkids he didn't wanna take a chance on one of th' younger uns a coming along en start a playin' this here little piggy on his toes en get all confused when he come up on th' hole left by th' on thet wuz a missin'. He sezs he figures a s'perience lak thet could mess up the kid fer lafe.. thet seemed t' make a whole lotta sense t' me....Ah suppose it's also a good thang th' Doc didn't leave thet turkey thingy a hooked on thar...kin yew imagine th' questions thet kid wuda asked if they had jes counted nine black li'l piggies en then suddenly come up on a pink en?....

The police Chief Omar Snagg is investigatin' a c'plaint from Horace Hornbark concernin' th' fact thet sombody dun shot the side o hiz pickup truck fulla bullet holes.....Now given th' number a moonshine stills in th' area this really ain't usually sech a big deal....Ah mean ah knows th' las' time a vehicle appeared unexpectedly up at muh still.....uh....place o bizness.... me en muh oldest son Fayrow welcomed it in th' customary manner by given th' driver a friendly warnin' by a shooting out both headlights and a ratin' our names in th' rear fender with buck shot.....Course thet did tend t' git us both in a heap a trouble when we got back home en we found out thet it wuz muh ol' Lady's car thet wuz perferated en all....but th point is.....'round these parts a gitting your paint job redecorated ain't no big deal.....trouble wuz this here time Horace's pick up wuz parked in front o' weird Gerald's house ......en th' shots all come from the attic o' weird Gerald's house...when th' police showed up en brung Gerald outta the house he claims he never dun no sech a thang....When Chief Snagg pointed out t' em thet th' gun he wuz a carrying when he come outta house wuz still a smoking from being recently fired...Gerald had a logical answer....he had indeed just shot th' gun but he wuz a firin' at a space ship thet has jes landed in hiz front yard.....Th' chief lafted a l'il smirk en asked him who wuz a flyin' it, "L'il o green men?" and Gerald sez no, "As a matter of fact it wuz Elvis!"......At thet th' chief's face turned blood red and got real serious lak en then he promply placed Gerald in handcuffs en started t' take em away.... when ah asked th' chief fer the details....he stated thet he cud unnerstand Gerald a tryin' t' protect his home by a shootin' at th' space ship.....en he unnerstands how Horace's truck which wuz 'pparently parked behind it cudda got sprayed with th' stray buckshot.....thet would be a axceedent en all....but t' puposely take a pot shot at Elvis.....? This here man's a danger t' society en he's a going t' jail fer a week....

Now don't all yew guys be forgittin' thet this comin' friday is the furst Friday o' th' month en yew know whut thet means......Yep.. "Th' Ladies Fer a Better Greasy Corner Benevelent Society" gona be a holden thar monthly meeting which means th' boys kin have thar nite out too down at Th' Kowhockey County Chamber of Comerce and Marble shooting Faternity Club House.....Ah'm sher thet the evening will be filled with s'citment en entertainment fer all as usual.

Wail thet's th' nooze fer t'day folks y'all have a gooden.....