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| Age: 31 Hometown: Zzyxx. Alias: P.J. Movesum. Ride of Choice: Broken down Mazda 323 on the repo list plus a yellow Huffy bike with a bananna seat, buddy pegs and a side car. Primary ailment: Club foot. Secondary ailment: Narcalepsy. Favorite crimes to commit: Perjury, jaywalking, and littering. Weapon of choice: Bow and arrow. Years spent in the high desert mental facility: 5. Hobbies: Slangs Oregeno to suburbn whieus and freebases Ginseng. Favorite rhyme written: "I gots my system AM one speaker in the dash, but I'm sitting in the driveway cause I gots no gas, no cash, no friends and a helluva rash." Most know for saying: "Where are all the amputee Siamese twin bitches at?" From facts somewhat tainted by the media and urban lore, all that is known about M.C. Big Daddy Hopalong is either incomplete or out and out false. An interviewer literally takes his or her life in their hands attenpting an in depth conference with now notorious rapper/lunatic. From police reports, anonymous eye witness accounts, and now paid informants only these facts were brought to light. Son of the Bearded Lady, and high dive artist Marco D. Divine (famous for diving 40 feet into a mop bucket filled with urine.) Born breach (feet first) on a desolate highway in a carnival caravan, delivered by the Strong Man. The inhuman force created by the Strong Man caused an elongation of the left leg on Baby Hopalong. For the first 7 years of child Hopalong's life we was forced to wear a rusty steel roller skate on his right foot to even out his stride. "The allegations of him getting a hot foot in summer camp are just lies!" claimed the Strong Man in a 2001 interview. He adds, "I was there and delivered him. You should have seen that leg stretched, he cried like a little bitch!" Under the tutelage of Master Xeu Sleoup, adolescent Hopalong studied the acient art of archery. An art usually reserved for Noblemen, Samurai, Shogun, and Hollywood westerns. After 15 minutes, adolescent Hopalong abandonded his art for what Master Sleoup calls, "Some hot circus freak pussy!" The Master never saw Hopalong again. Fast Forward three years to Baker County Juvenile Hall. Hopalong serves 45 minutes of a three year sentance, when it's discovered that selling Oregeno in plastic sandwich bags is not a punishable crime. Upon release he steals a chainless yellow Huffy bicycle, also void of wheels or a seat. Some to this day question if that is even a crime, but Baker County officials claim in the affirmative. Not long after, a high stakes game of Rock/Paper/Scissors ensues where the now 19 year old Hopalong wins $12.35. More money than he has ever held at one time. With his eyes set on the bright lights of Las Vegas, a plan is hatched to say in the rap world, "Come up." Unfortunately, $12.00 only got him as far as Zzyxx St. off interstate 15. Hopalong is physically removed from Greyhound Bus Lines, kicking and screaming. One witness in confidentiality states, "It was really sad ya' know, he had on that wacky shoe and everything!" Referring to the medical heel attached to his shoe keepinging him from falling over. Hopalong exausted all of the three professions available in the sleepy town of Zzyxx within 4 months. Dirt Farmer, Highway Reflector Cleaner, and the prestigious Olive Depitter. Soon after, he was jumped into the non-threating "High Desert 5150 Crew." The initiation involved a best two out of three game of 3 Card Monty. Within 8 minutes Hopalong was voted in as leader of the soon to be forgotten gang. The next 7 years in Zzyxx proved to be Hopalong's training ground for the hardened future that awaited him. A long and steady stream of arrests followed his exalted inauguration. Including, Ca. Penal Code 587j. Owning, Possessing or keeping any Cock with intention to engage in fighting. Ca. Penal Code 598. Killing birds or robbing nests in cemeteries. Ca. Penal Code 642. Removing and keeping articles from a corpse. Four counts of Ca. Penal Code 653i. Leaving the scene of a Skiing Accident. THe years between 1993 and 2000 are lost in the life of M.C. BIG DADDY HOPALONG. THe following is an unfounded account by witnessess with less than stellar reputations. In the summer of1993 Hopalong disappears from his single-wide mobile home. Foul play is immediately suspectedby his "homies." States former gang affiliate Lil' Phat Lip, "They'ba kibna'nabda my dob, they'ba was'ba like them Area'ba 51 types!!" Although hard to understand verbally, Lil' Phat Lip presented far fetched but possible scenarios eluding to the possible kidnapping. As found in his tell all book, "M.C. Big Daddy Hopalong, The Life and Times of The Freshest Most Funktifiedest Master of Ceremonies Ever." According to Lil'Phat Lip, he received personal correspondence from Hopalong from the High Desert Mental Facility Although it's existance has yet to be proven, this facility allegedly houses the most criminally insane deviants known to man. Including "Filthy" Phil McBottom, the notorious "Cup & Fart Bandit", and Tiny Johnson, leader of the diabolical "Mopery Clan." Years upon years stack up against Hopalong's debatable incarceration. Crochet, Double Dutch Jump Rope, Hopscotch, and Uno Stacko are the only extracurricular activities allowed. So like dope and weapons in regular big boy prison, Hopalong traded his hopscotch chalk like cigarettes for bootleg hip-hop tapes. Including his heroes Rob R. Rock, T Wack Funky, and Jingle Jingle The Filthy West Bottom Boize. It is sometime in late 1998 that a friendship is bond by Hopalong, and fledging rapper H-Bomb. A common love of underground hip-hop, homemade Ginseng, and antique weaponry brought forth the beginnings of... The $INESTER $INDIKATE |
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