Fairy tales and other Fantasies

CHARACTERS

Kate A woman in her mid-twenties. She is idealistic, intelligent, and kind. She works for a local newspaper as a sometimes columnist.

Robert A man in his mid-twenties. He is practical, organized, and intelligent. He is deeply devoted to his family. He works as a journalist for the same newspaper as Kate.

Jerry A staggering figure.Robert’s younger brother. He has always been a little strange, he took drugs in high school. He lives with his parents.

Parents Very stiff, Robert’s parents.

ACT I



Scene I

SETTING

A small dining room with three chairs, two places set around the small round table. Hallway to kitchen stage left. On the table are two wine glasses and elegant silverware.

Robert: (voice from the kitchen.) Dinner will be ready in just a sec...damn...just another minute or so...

Kate: Is everything alright? (moving toward the kitchen.) Robert...

Robert: Fine, stay in there, I’m coming, just having problems with sticky rice...(clattering heard from the kitchen.) Okay, um, not exactly like the picture in the book, but... (Robert comes out with two plates of rice mounds and chicken with soy sauce. Hands Kate a knife for her rice.)

Kate: (tries to be encouraging.) It looks great.

Robert: Yep, I thought so. (Both attempt to separate rice, but eventually give up and stab at it with their forks, eating away at the rice mounds.) Kate, I wanted to ask you something...how was your day?

Kate: Great. In formal mode today, huh? (laughs.) I wanted to ask you something. So, I saw the craziest ad today. One of those Gap ads. I swear they’re getting as bad as the Old Navy ones. A bunch of pale looking twenty-somethings singing “Mellow Yellow,” with less than no expression on their faces. I just wanted to give one of those kids a cookie, or something.

Robert: Maybe cheesecake, no one can refuse a good cheesecake. Those kids are downright perky compared to the Calvin Klein tykes. (fiddling with the fork.) Sorry about the rice.

Kate: It’s fine, just really...the way I prefer rice, actually. Why eat every little grain of rice...takes just too much time. (smiles.) The chicken is great.

Robert: It’s more edible than the rice at least, but just wait for dessert, I’m making this cake that will knock your socks off. Kate, I need too...you still haven’t mentioned work at all.

Kate: Well, I wrote an article, but I was so busy noticing my boyfriend fidget in the desk across the way to really get much farther than “The artist’s exhibit was...” Robert is something going on?

Robert: Nope, what?

Kate: Robert, you asked me about my day. I don’t pretend that it was a really well thought out question considering we work together, but... (Robert is clearly preoccupied and not listening to Kate at all.) anyway I decided to enlist terrorist factions to take care of Kate Moss and the rest of her twiggy disciples. Understand I don’t want to kill them I want to feed them. It’s really more of a humanitarian mission. Now should I get terrorists from Iran or Afghanistan, or possibly I should look to the United Nations. It’s all really more up their alley, don’t you think? Robert?

Robert: That’s great, can’t wait to read it.

Kate: Robert!?! What is wrong with you?

Robert: Kate, what are you screaming for?

Kate: Well, I just had a whole dramatic, incredibly funny tirade back there and you didn’t even crack a smile. This is the most comatose date I’ve ever been on. I know things fizzle out a bit when you’ve been dating a couple months, and we see each other every day, but if you didn’t want to see me tonight you could have just said so. Being ignored is less rude behind your back.

Robert: (laughs.) “Being ignored is less rude behind your back.” You should put that one in your column Kat, it’s original.

Kate: (concerned) Are you okay?

Robert: I...thank you for asking. (Beat.) Fine. I’m fine.

Kate: So, nothing is up. (Beat.) Alright, what were you doing at work today?

Robert: Thinking. About future plans. Work plans. Yup.

Kate: Robert, what did you want to say? Are you breaking up with me? Forget I said that. If you are, lets have a really nice dinner pretend everything is okay and then you can email me a breakup so I can fall apart in my own room.

Robert: Kate, I...what is that smell? Oh NOOOO!!!!!! (races into kitchen.) Damn!

Kate: (quietly.) No cake. (to Robert.) Robert, I’m pretty full...we might have to save the cake for another time. (noise heard from kitchen, clanging of drawers, silverware, sound of cake being thrown in sink.)

Robert: Burnt to a crisp. (louder.) Sorry!

Kate: Robert just come in and sit down, you are being silly. Don’t worry about it. Robert? Don’t worry. Robert?

Robert: (Robert comes in with a Snoopy Pez dispenser on a large fancy china platter. Gesturing elegantly towards Kate.) Your dessert is served madam. We’re not breaking up.

Kate: Pez, my favorite dessert! How did you know? (reaches for dispenser, in the opening of Snoopy’s chin is a small silver ring.) What is this?

Robert: I was gonna put it on the cake, but... (Beat.) Will you?

Kate: Excuse me?

Robert: (extravagantly moves onto one knee.) Marry me?

Kate: (smiles, no hesitation.) Yes. (puts ring on, pulls Pez out of dispenser.) What is this strawberry? My favorite.

Robert: (still for a moment, gets off knee.) Well, that was a romantic response. (Kate leans over and kisses him.) That’s it? I thought there would be screams, some hysterical crying, this was disappointing. We’ll have to work on your sense of the moment if this marriage is gonna survive.

Kate: I am happy you won’t be breaking up with me. (half smile, mischievous.) Fine, just kidding. Can we work on your cooking? (munching on Pez.) Thank goodness for Pez.



Scene II

SETTING

Five Months Later

It is a darkened room with a chair center stage. Only a small pool of light from a window stage right allows Kate standing next to chair looking towards the window to be seen. She is wearing a blanket like a shawl.

Kate: (staring out the window.) Being married is great. Lovely. Someone to talk to. You’re never alone. (Beat.) Being married isn’t quite what I thought it would be. I thought...well everything up to now was lovely, picturesque...I don’t mean that, um, it was the fairy tale. Not perfect, but nearly so.
When Robert proposed he was cute, nervous. As if my response could be in doubt. I didn’t even have to think. I was sure and happy and all I wanted was to be his wife. How could it not be the right decision? Dating Robert had always been great, seeing each other at work was a bonus. I’d be typing and look up just to make sure he was still there, he’d look up and laugh at me staring. We laughed constantly together, we want the same things, marriage was the next step, easy, no work involved.
The wedding was beautiful. I had the long white dress...off-white, I don’t look good in blazing white, I feel like a marshmallow. But you know flowers in my hair, little peach rosettes, actually more pink than peach, just a little makeup, a little pink lip gloss, Robert had the tux. (Robert appears behind her in tuxedo out of shadows.) He didn’t even look uncomfortable in it, the way most guys do. Penguins. (Robert pulls her to him, reenacts wedding day kiss.) I should have been wary right there. Robert was the prince, he still is. (Robert smiles and makes move toward Kate, Kate puts hand out, stops him, Robert exits.) God that sounds stupid.
I thought I would be starting a family, be part of a family, we would all be close. But Robert’s family, they seem odd. I don’t like them. They don’t feel like a family. (Parents appear in shadows, difficult to see them in darkness. Kate moves to hug them, they each hold out hands to stop her, she shakes their hands.) Nice to meet you, Moth-Mrs.Robinson, Mr. Robinson. He calls them Mother and Father. Who does that? Who names their son Rob Robinson? His brother...I don’t know. He’s not right. No, never mind. (Parents have exited and shadowy figure staggers through stage runs into back of chair, pushing it over, staggers off into shadows. Kate watches with rapt attention seems to lose track of her thoughts. Finally turns, sees chair. Slowly, meticulously picks up chair, straightens it, and sits quietly with perfect posture, facing audience.) Being drunk at twenty is nothing. Being drunk at twenty is expected. He’s finding his way. But he’s moody and scary.
Why didn’t I see this when I met them? They seemed so...friendly. I’m a stranger in my home, (a light comes up, a couch is revealed.)

Robert: (voice heard from offstage.) Jerr, come get some lunch...

Kate: (moves towards couch, sees the living room is a mess, papers strewn everywhere. clothing dumped on floor) I’m failing at this. I’m failing. (near tears, starts straightening the room up.) What happened to the flowers, the fairy tale? (Robert enters. Beat. Kate registers his presence. A small smile forms.) Robert. (Beat.) Marriage is...okay. (Kate stops cleaning looks around her living room. Robert has been watching her clean intently. Kate and Robert’s living room is open and sunny with a couch, armchair, television, coffee table, and door ways to kitchen and hallway to the back of the house.)



Scene III

Kate: (hushed.) How long is he staying for?

Robert: He said a day or so that’s it...a few days.

Kate: Is he planning on getting up soon?

Robert: It’s still early, he’s tired.

Kate: Right. (looks at her watch.) It’s nearly two.

Robert: (irritated.) You had to check your watch. (Kate looks at Robert, moves towards the couch, sits and flips through a magazine loudly.) Never mind.

Kate: Do you want some lunch? A sandwich?

Robert: Maybe later. (sits on the opposite end of the couch, hides his face behind his newspaper. Toilet flushing is heard from the back of the house.) Jerry must be up.

Kate: (under her breath.) About time. (heads to the kitchen, clanging of drawers, opening of refrigerator is heard.) You sure you don’t want a sandwich? I know everyone says that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but I have always been of the opinion that lunch was. After all if breakfast was the most important meal their would be a better central morning food than dry cereal. Now if breakfast had tostadas or sushi, I might get behind it.

Robert: I’m gonna go talk to Jerry, see if he wants anything. (exits. A beat.)

Kate: (moves into the living room again.) Robert, okay. I’ll just stand here and talk to myself. So. Yep. Robert?

Robert: (comes back, shoulders slightly slumped.) Jerry’s not ready to get up yet, he’s really knocked out.

Kate: Honey, I’m sorry.

Robert: No big deal. If he needs his sleep that’s fine. Fine.

Kate: Okay. So does he always stay up so late?

Robert: Yeah, he’s always been a night owl.

Kate: We should all stay up together tonight and roast marshmallows in front of the fireplace. Staying up late can be a lot of fun. I want to know Jerry better.

Robert: I don’t think so. It would be great, but I think Jerry will want to go out on his own.

Kate: Oh, okay. Jerry must be really glad to be able to come here and let loose for awhile.

Robert: ‘scuse me?

Kate: I mean he can’t go out like this at home a lot, drinking and everything. Right?

Robert: Yeah, whatever.

Kate: Well. (Beat.) I just figured your parents wouldn’t be cool with him...being out all night.

Robert: You’re right. He’s enjoying a break from home.

Kate: Oh, well good. Good. I was just wondering because well I want us to be close. Friends.

Robert: Great.

Kate: Does Jerry, has he said anything about me?

Robert: He likes you.



Scene IV

SETTING

Same place, same time. Kate has moved into the kitchen to make lunch, but seems to stop to stare out the window. Lights come down, kitchen is transformed into room with one chair and window. Kitchen was only suggested by table and counter in back. Counter is completely obscure in shadow. Table is only half seen.

Kate: Jerry likes me and everything is fine. My new brother-in law is fine. Two nights ago was nothing. Nothing Robert needs to know. Jerry was probably drunk. No big deal. It really is going to be pretty cool, having a younger brother. I’ve never had that before. Haven’t had a family in awhile. Jerry looks a lot like Robert, maybe Robert was wild when he was young. I can picture all of us, having Thanksgiving together, or toasting at New Year’s. Since my parents died I’ve really missed them, but I sort of forgot how much. Robert’s family is going to be my family. The family I miss. And I never had a younger brother. Just because he doesn’t really like me yet, I’m going to try and be a really great sister-in-law, a great sister. He was so nice when he toasted us at our wedding. “To the happy couple, Robert and his Wife, Kit Kat whats-her-name, just kidding baby. All the best to you.” Maybe that wasn’t the nicest toast, but he was just teasing me, like I was his sister, I thought. I was so happy that day. Two nights ago was just like that. Jerry? (staggering figure comes from behind counter, Kate stares at him. He grabs her and pulls her into shadows, silhouette of figure and Kate kissing. Kate breaks free and sort of falls back into the light leans on chair.) What was that? I wanted a brother. How can I forget that? (kitchen lights come up. Kate stays where she is, deciding.)
Robert, we need to talk about Jerry. He can’t stay here like this, he needs to be somewhere else. He makes me nervous. Robert: You want my brother to leave the house because he makes you nervous? Where did this come from, you wanted to have smores two minutes ago.

Kate: I shouldn’t have to feel like this at home. I don’t like being here when he’s here.

Robert: Isn’t it always about you? He’s been here two days, you haven’t even given him a chance, he’s family.

Kate: That was a cheap shot. I think Jerry needs help.

Robert: Why the hell do you think he’s here?!

Kate: Robert.

Robert: No, this is ridiculous Kate, you’ve known him for what a month and you feel you can talk like you’re his sister or something?!

Kate: I thought you said we were family.

Robert: Not on this.

Kate: You can’t have it both ways. If he’s in my home I expect better than this.

Robert: So he’s slept in a bit.

Kate: He came in at three last night, turned on the stereo full blast, and threw up in the hallway. I cleaned the carpet.

Robert: He parties, he’s young, that’s what young guys do.

Kate: (losing it.) He took a shower two nights ago, left the door open, got out with no towel, and when I walked by the door and saw him there I said “excuse me” and he laughed and teased me about being a “scared prude.” His words, not mine.

Robert: (Beat.) That’s it? So, it was poor taste. My brother’s stupid and twenty. Don’t sweat it.

Kate: Don’t sweat it? That’s all you have to say?

Robert: You’re making my brother sound like Jack the Ripper over this thing with the shower. Yeah, I think “don’t sweat it” is the appropriate response.

Kate: Robert, if your brother is sick, you can tell me. Please tell me. I don’t want to have to say anything...please just tell me the truth.

Robert: My brother isn’t sick. You’re paranoid. Getting drunk, staying out late, throwing up, all not sufficient grounds for conviction Kate.

Kate: Please believe me. Robert, you need to tell me if he’s sick.

Robert: (enraged.) If anyone’s sick and insane Kate, my money’s on you. LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!

Kate: That does it! He kissed me two nights ago. He grabbed me and he kissed me. Is that what young guys do to their sister-in-laws?! If it is you let me know, I’ll issue a full apology.

Robert: (barely able to speak.) What?

Kate: You heard me.

Robert: How can he, you say something like that?

Kate: I forgot we don’t talk about things like that.

Robert: My brother is just this way, he doesn’t mean anything by it. I...he won’t even remember it.

Kate: That makes it worse, don’t you see that? (silence.) I don’t know what else to say. Why didn’t you tell me he was like this?

Robert: Excuse me?

Kate: Before we were married, why didn’t you say anything?

Robert: Such as?

Kate: My brother has problems, he drinks a lot, he’s rude, he did so many drugs in high school his mind is jello?!

Robert: Right Kate, and I should have added he might come in swearing for no reason, or he could drink a lot and then he’ll drive, or he might come unexpectedly and stay for weeks on end, or he might make sick comments to my new bride?! What do you think I knew he’d be like this?

Kate: How could you not?

Robert: Because I thought he would be okay, I didn’t think he’d come here, I thought I was done with this crap.

Kate: How come I didn’t meet your brother until after we decided to get married, heck not really until the rehearsal dinner. You were hiding him from me. You thought I’d back out if I met him.

Robert: (Beat.) What if I did?

Kate: Please be lying. God Robert, do you think so little of me?

Robert: Kate, Kat can we not do this, please. I’m sorry. Please.

Kate: We need to talk about this soon. We need to. (walks into the kitchen.) Can i get you something? I have (swallows with difficulty) I have salami, turkey, some cheddar, um mustard, mayonnaise... we’re really not going to talk. We have roast beef and swiss too. What do you want?

Robert: (attempts to be calm.) Fine, fine. Salami and swiss, mustard. I’ll fix it.

Kate: I’ve got it. (softening.) It’s really beautiful out today. Maybe we should make a trip out to the beach today. What do you think?

Robert: (lightening, visible relief.) Great Kat. I think Jerry’s meeting some friends today, anyhow. It’ll be a good day. Lie on the beach, soak in the sun. Great.

Kate: We can talk.

Robert: Maybe.



Scene IV

SETTING

Same as Scene II, Robert is sitting in chair, Kate has her back to him, looking out the window.

Robert: Kate is amazing. I’ve never known anyone who can’t speak so quickly, so precisely, she’s a better writer than I ever will be, I sorta just let the words go and hope for the best, but Kate she means something all the time. She is beautiful and fun and who wouldn’t marry her, but she can be so rigid, she hardly uses contractions, you know she’d say I have instead of I’ve. Not me at all. I try to use as few words as possible. Kate’s something else. Kat. She says she hates when I call her that, but I think she likes it, “brevity is the soul.” She’d have the quote right, too. Kat. (Robert becomes still, “Kat” is a wakeup call to Kate, reminiscing seemingly on her own, Robert staring ahead perhaps remembering his life with Kate.)

Kate: Robert is not what I had expected. He is so practical. He is funny, but he is also so quiet and so unpredictable. I’ve considered leaving. I didn’t say that. Not out loud, not to anyone. Robert would have laid it all out. Jerry got worse. He stayed for three weeks. He pouted in his room and that was when I was happiest, except Robert was so sad and quiet. But when Jerry came out, he wouldn’t be washed or polite or all there. He talked about death and birthdays and how I should really be celebrating Robert’s great grandmother’s birthday and why hadn’t I baked a cake for her? (Robert reacts to her, for a moment they are back in time. )

Robert: He didn’t say that, did he? (Robert visibly collapses, slumps in chair. Kate is at first oblivious.)

Kate: (earnestly.) Should I go get her a gift, maybe some perfume? Does she live far away? Maybe a cake was an impractical idea, but it was nice of Jerry to think of her. I wrote her birthday on the calendar so I won’t miss it next year. Honey?

Robert: My great grandma Bertha has been dead for ten years now. I love my brother. Jerry? (crashing sound heard offstage.) JERRY!!! (time shifts back, Robert frozen in chair again. Remembering.)

Kate: That day Jerry punched his fists through our bathroom wall. We took him to the hospital to get stitches. We had him sedated. I decided no more questions, at least not about Jerry, not right now. (Shadowy figure grabs Kate from behind by the shoulders, roughly tosses her towards Robert. Staggers off.) Robert is more important than the rest of the garbage. (Kate is now behind Robert bends down and cradles his head in her arms.) He thinks words matter to me. They do. I am precise in how I speak so he will feel safe. I try to never call him Rob. That’s not his name, it shortens the syllables, it is a shortcut to one of my favorite words. He calls me Kat. His shortcuts are not demeaning because he is getting to the point. His most important words are very monosyllabic.

Robert: (hearing her. a smile.) Short. (pulling her head towards his, kisses her.) Sweet.

Kate: To the point, to the end.



Scene V

SETTING

Darkness lifts into light of the bedroom. Bedroom includes a bed, a vanity, and the window stage left. Robert is sitting on the bed, Kate is at the vanity.

Robert: It wasn’t that bad. (Kate shoots a dirty look at Robert.) So it wasn’t great. Still that’s no reason to spend the morning in front of that mirror.

Kate: I am putting my makeup on.

Robert: For three hours?

Kate: Look, I am tired and angry and having trouble keeping my foundation from looking mask-like. So back off.

Robert: Kat we can’t keep this up.

Kate: Tell your parents.

Robert: I’m not talking about them.

Kate: Your parents stormed out on our first Thanksgiving dinner because your brother decided to start screaming swear words at the dinner table. I think we should talk about them.

Robert: They stormed out because you asked Jerry to leave the table until he could be polite. (Beat.) It sounded like you were babying him.

Kate: Not like your mother offering him pumpkin pie to shut up.

Robert: Mother tries. He’s her baby. She won’t do anything so stop expecting something. Father will get over this. A week later they’ll call like nothing happened.

Kate: Great. (Beat.) Rob. I’ve been thinking for a couple hours now. I’ve come to the conclusion that we should...

Robert: You haven’t called me Rob in awhile. You must really be ticked.

Kate: I’m not mad. Rob. I just think that my conclusion that I’ve come to is that we should just get the signs. Everything is dead ends. This marriage isn’t...

Robert: We should see a movie today, Kat. What do you want to see?

Kate: Rob, the signs are all there. This marriage isn’t...isn’t working. I’m tired of fighting. Less than a year and I’ve had it. Your family hates me. I hat...don’t like them. I’m keeping you from them. I don’t want to be that person.

Robert: So Kat, The Quiet Man is playing at La Paloma Theatre, how ‘bout that?

Kate: Did you hear me? Rob, our marriage doesn’t work. I think it’s over. I want us to be over. I don’t like myself anymore, I’m angry all the time, I can’t breathe, I won’t be like this. I love you and we have to be over before things get worse.

Robert: I heard you. (Beat.) You’re right. Things aren’t going to get better. With them. They always do this, every holiday, every visit, every day of my damn life. Nothing will change with them. But you’re wrong about us. THEY DON”T LIVE HERE. We will be okay. I know it’s hard, but you have to forget about them. They won’t stay here anymore. I’ll put them up in a hotel. We’ll go to meals in public places where we have witnesses.If they break your heart I’ll patch it up after they leave.

Kate: What will that change. Nothing. I’m leaving today. (pulls packed suitcase out from under bed.)

Robert: You’re not leaving. You can’t leave.

Kate: I don’t want to. (grabs coat from closet, picks up suitcase.)

Robert: Don’t. We need to hold onto each other, what do I say to make you stop this?

Kate: How will things be different?

Robert: I wish I had a good answer for that. I still like you.

Kate: What?

Robert: You said before you don’t like yourself anymore, I do. Our family is not easy. Marriage will be hard, but I like you more than I like anyone. I’m willing to stick it out with you.

Kate: (puts suitcase down.) When is the movie playing?

Robert: I love you. Four thirty. We’ve got a couple of hours. Wanna go out? We could walk. (Kate moves from the vanity to lay on the bed with Robert.)

Kate: Maybe later. (cuddling in his arms.) Love you back.

(fade to black.)



Scene VI

SETTING

Chair in center stage, window stage left, laundry basket to side of chair. Kate is sitting in the chair, her knees folded to her chest.

Kate: We are being careful. Marriage is better than some things. I am not recommending it for everyone. It is not by any means a fairy tale. Robert rarely wears a tux or sweeps me off my feet. We still eat Pez. Robert does not cook well, but his rice has improved. Now and then I get disgusted with myself. Or Robert just seems impossible. Everything can be too hard and I feel like a nagging witch. But Robert and I forgive each other our bad moments. We’re lucky. Some people don’t have that person to forgive the bad in you. Jerry gets sicker every day. It’s very sad. (enter staggering figure headed straight for chair, Kate moves her chair forward calmly just missing figure who staggers back out.) He still calls, messes up just about every holiday, and his mind has never caught up with his actions. But Robert puts his family in a nearby hotel when they visit. I try to be very silent when they come. It is only a few weekends a year. Robert and I are being very careful. It is just us. And everything else is outside us. Marriage is not the fairy tale, but it is awfully lovely. (enter Robert in jeans and a grubby t-shirt. He bows grandly, offers his arm to Kate and they begin to waltz slowly around the chair and the laundry.)



(Fade to black, the end.)