By Suzanne L. Petroske
Copyright 1999
suzanne@captaincrais.com

This story was written just for fun and is not an attempt to make money
or infringe on any copyrights or trademarks. Only the original ideas
contained within this work is the property of its author.

Leia threw her head back and downed her second shot of whiskey, grimacing as the liquid burned its way down her throat. She welcomed its biting sting and the numbing affect she knew would soon follow. She closed her eyes as the warmth from the alcohol rose up from within her belly and chest, relaxing her.

Han stared at her, taking the rare opportunity to covertly study her. Her waist length hair was down, draped lavishly about her shoulders. The topmost buttons of her shirt were left enticingly unbuttoned. His gaze moved over her face. Her expression was relaxed but there was something that was bothering her. He’d noticed it before but had said nothing. It was no secret that Leia considered herself to be a deeply private person and her personal life was off-limits. Not that he hadn’t tried to get better acquainted with her. He was keenly aware of the physical attraction between them, even if she would never admit it. There were times when he had an almost overwhelming urge to feel her in his arms. He wanted her to tell him her most private thoughts. He wanted her to trust him. But more than anything else, he just wanted her.

She lazily opened her eyes to find the ex-pirate staring at her intently. She straightened herself up as he awkwardly broke his stare.

"It’s your move," he drawled.

Leia studied the chessboard for several moments then moved one of her pieces. Both of them watched as Han’s bishop was unceremoniously tossed off the board. "Check," she said confidently. Their eyes met and she grinned, unable to contain herself. "See? I told you I never lose!"

It made his heart jump to see her smiling. She seemed to do it so rarely. He leaned back and gave her a salacious glance. "You make it difficult to concentrate on the game," he said suggestively.

She reached for the bottle of whiskey, desperately trying to subdue the blush that now crept over her cheeks.

"Let me," he said – leaning forward and grasping the bottle.

With a shy smile, she released the bottle and pushed her glass toward him. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

His hand paused for a split second. "Sure," he said – setting the bottle back down on the table. This should be interesting, he thought. Leia rarely allowed anyone to see beyond her cool, controlled exterior and just the idea of it intrigued him.

She reached out to her glass, her fingers lightly playing over its rim but she made no move to lift the glass to her lips. "If you had to choose between giving up everything your life stood for, to prevent your own death; or to die without reason but with your ideals and beliefs intact, which would you choose?"

Han stared at her, completely unprepared for the question. Where the hell did that come from? He looked at her for a moment without speaking then reached for his whiskey and downed it. He cleared his throat and said, "well, it’s one thing to die for something you believe in," he paused and looked into her eyes, "but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re talking about, is it?"

She stared down at her glass, avoiding his deeply intense gaze.

Han slowly moved his arm across the table and gently clasped her hand. "So, would you like to tell me about it?" he asked in a low voice.

She drew herself up slightly and leaned backward, retrieving her hand.

Hurt washed over his expression but was soon replaced by a cavalier smile. "Well," he said, leaning back to mimic her movements, "I’m here if you change your mind."

She hadn’t expected him to let the topic rest so easily.

As if he could read her mind, he grinned at her and said, "we’re going to be stuck here together for the next two months. No sense in starting a war."

She watched him walk toward his cabin. Just before he disappeared through the hatchway, he turned back and said, "besides, I’m Corellian. I’ll just wait you out." He winked at her. "Goodnight."

She smiled and shook her head, "goodnight, Han."

* * *

"Hey sleepy head, are you ever going to get up?"

Her eyes flew open. There was a knock at her door. "What time is it?" she croaked.

"Almost noon." Leia threw aside the covers and bolted out of bed. She felt dizzy and reached out to brace herself when everything suddenly went black.

Han heard an odd thump, then silence. "Leia? Are you okay?" When there was no answer, he ran his palm over the door reader, overriding the lock. "Leia!" he called, kneeling down next to her. He picked her up and laid her onto the bed, feeling her neck for a pulse.

When Leia returned to consciousness, he was sitting at the edge of her bed, reading a medical printout. "What happened," she asked. There was something in his gaze that unsettled her. His expression was one of concern, hurt and anger.

"Why didn’t you tell me?"

She looked away from him and stared down at her hands.

"Were you planning on telling me, or were you just going to let me find out myself after you died?" His tone was harsh; his eyes filled with confusion.

She remained silent, refusing to meet his gaze.

He stood up and began to pace back and forth. "You do realize you have the degordee virus, don’t you?"

She looked at him briefly and nodded.

He threw the medical readout onto the floor. "Kest!" He ran his hands angrily over his face then moved next to the bed, staring down at her. "What in the hell were you planning to do about it?"

"I don’t know," she said quietly.

He snatched the readout from off the floor and dangled it in front of her. "You don’t know? Do you realize you only have one, maybe two months at the most to make up your mind?" he shouted.

She flinched as he threw the paper at her and stormed out of the room. She had never seen him this upset before and it was more than a little disturbing. The degordee virus had been around for hundreds of years. If they hadn’t been stranded here on this backwater planet, treatment would have been as simple as hormone therapy. The elevated hormone levels effectively stopped the virus from multiplying, which in time cured the disease. But here they were, stuck on this God forsaken planet for two months because the hyperdrive had gone out on their return trip from the last mission. They couldn’t risk limping back on sub-light engines. That would have left them open to attacks from pirates or worse, capture by the Empire. So Han had found a place to set down and hide while they awaited rescue. He had sent a communications signal back to the base and there was no doubt they would be rescued. But it would be at least six weeks before the Hoth base even got the message.

* * *

It was several hours before hunger finally drove Leia to venture out of her quarters. She headed to the galley and stopped short when she saw him sitting at the table, his head in his hands. He lifted his head and looked at her. He no longer seemed angry. Now he just looked depressed. She cautiously walked past him and retrieved a ration bar out of the cupboard. She felt him watching her in silence as she filled a cup with water then sat down at the table across from him. She sighed and dropped the ration bar onto the table. "I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my illness."

He stared at her in disbelief. "You’re sorry? God! Leia, do you realize what this means?" He was no longer yelling at her, but his voice was still filled with frustration. Leia cringed slightly as he angrily stared at her. Her fearful reaction caught him off-guard and he made an effort to calm down. He drew in a long breath and sighed. In a more subdued tone he asked, "So what were you planning to do?"

She tentatively picked up the ration bar, peeling back the wrapper. "My original plan was to take a short leave of absence and get started on hormone therapy treatment." She took a small bite from the ration bar. "But that was before the hyperdrive went out," she said weakly.

He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration then looked at her. "I wish you had told me about this before we left."

"You never would have let me come on this mission if I had," she hastily replied.

"This mission wasn’t that critical," he said sharply. "Someone else could have gone instead of you."

She nodded. "I realize now that it was wrong not to tell you. I just didn’t plan on something like this happening. I didn’t expect to be marooned for two months. I guess I thought I could somehow cheat fate. Cheat death one more time."

He couldn’t help but admire her attitude, even though it could have easily caused her death. That strength and stubbornness was something they both shared and it drew him to her like a powerful intoxicant. He never could stay mad at her for long. "Well," he said, running a hand through his hair, "your options are certainly more limited now, aren’t they?"

"Very," she replied, taking another bite of the ration bar.

He sighed then said confidently, "you’re going to have to let me help you."

Her head shot up and she stared at him, suddenly irritated at his self-assured attitude. As usual, he just assumed she wanted his help and frankly, she wasn’t too sure about that. "I don’t have to do anything," she said bitterly.

He looked at her in disbelief. "What? What are you talking about? What other choice do you have?" She was silent, refusing to look at him. "Leia! Are you telling me you’re seriously thinking about letting yourself die?" She stole a quick glance at him but still said nothing. He shook his head. "You can’t be serious!" His mind went into overdrive, trying to come up with something to say that would convince her to let him help her. "Look, if you die now, from the degordee virus, what will that accomplish? If you’re dead, you can’t fight the Empire and your death will have been for nothing!"

She slammed her fist down on the table in frustration. "And if I allow myself to become pregnant, I’ll also be unable to fight. If the Alliance finds out I have the degordee virus, my position as their leader would be put into question. If I were to suddenly turn up pregnant without an explanation, my judgement would be questioned, as would my moral integrity. She sighed heavily and in a calmer voice said, "you know what a rumor mill Hoth is. They’d come rescue us and a few months later, I’d begin to show. Everyone would speculate on who the father is and we both know how long it would take them to figure it out."

That thought amused the smuggler to no end and if the situation hadn’t been so grave, he would’ve laughed. "Look, all of what you just said is true but that still doesn't warrant your rationale that death is an acceptable choice."

"Well it’s still my choice to make, isn’t it?"

He gave her a penetrating glance as he leaned back, crossing his arms and said, "for now, it is."

Leia froze, staring at him unblinking for several seconds. Her eyes narrowed as she studied him. "I will make my own decisions," she said – standing up. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end as she struggled to remain calm. With deliberate and even movements, she picked up her ration bar and cup then headed back to her quarters.

* * *

The next several days seemed like a bizarre dream to Leia. Han was acting strange, one minute sweet and caring, and the next minute predatory; menacing. He hadn’t actually threatened her again but his behavior was disturbing. She wondered about his true intentions. When he had offered to "help" her, was it because he actually cared about her? The alternative made her shudder. Han would never take advantage of her that way, would he?

"You look like you could use this," he said.

Leia’s head shot up in surprise. She stared at his outstretched hand, which held a glass of wine. After a moment’s hesitation, she reached out and took the glass from him. He took a drink from his own glass, staring into her eyes. That look; he’s giving me that look again, she thought. Leia began to squirm under his scrutinizing gaze. She wondered what kind of thoughts went through his mind when he looked at her that way. She brought the glass to her lips, taking in a long drink. Her hand trembled and she silently cursed to herself, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

His expression was unreadable as he sat down next to her. "How do you feel?"

She took another drink of wine, relieved to see that her hand no longer trembled, at least not noticeably so. "Physically, I feel fine."

"Are you hungry?"

She looked up and gave him a small smile. "Yes, actually. But I’m getting sick of ration bars," she added.

"Then I think you’ll like what’s for dinner tonight. Come on," he said, offering his hand.

"Where are we going?"

He winked at her. "To the galley!"

"Sit down. I’ll bring out the food," he said, putting his glass down on the table. Leia sat her glass down across from his and took a seat at the table. Whatever Han had made for dinner, it smelled wonderful. She hadn’t been eating very well, no doubt due to the degordee virus. But despite the fact that she had lost some weight, she felt pretty good. Unfortunately, her mental state wasn’t doing as well. She was depressed. She felt lonely and isolated. She was mad at herself for being so reckless, not only with her own life, but with that of her friends. What would Luke think when the Alliance came and found her either dead or near death? Would he blame Han? God, how the thought of that tore at her heart. And what about Han? She knew her rejection of his offer to help her was tearing him apart. But what could she do? The same scenario played out in her head each night. She would give in to him; allow him to impregnate her. Then what? She would have his child and that would be her entire life. There would be no room in the Alliance for a pregnant leader, let alone a single mother. And what about the child? What kind of message would it send to a child to know that the only reason for their existence was to save the life of his or her mother? Then there was the matter of Han. How would he fit into all of this? Other than getting her pregnant, would he stick around afterwards? She knew he had absolutely no reason to, nor would she even think about placing such a burden on him. She thought back to when they had first met. There was an instant and intense reaction, both physically and emotionally. She thought he was nothing but an arrogant, cocky, greedy mercenary. She smiled. He was, but it had turned out that deep inside that overly confident, devil may care smuggler was a pure heart of gold. His cool, sardonic exterior kept the broiling, passionate and compassionate man she had come to know, well hidden.

Han emerged from the kitchen with two bowls of hot stew. "We’re out of dried meat, so I had to use protein cubes," he said, placing the food on the table. She looked up at him with intensely sad eyes and he thought she was going to start crying again. The last week had been rough and she was prone to bursting out in tears if he even looked at her the wrong way. "Hey, sweetheart? What’s wrong?"

She gave him a half-hearted smile as one tear rolled down her cheek. "You mean, aside from the usual?" Her voice was strangled, full of emotion.

He moved to her side of the table and kneeled next to her, wrapping his arms around her. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell her it was going to be alright. He knew what was wrong and he knew she wasn’t going to be alright. So he didn’t say anything. He just held her tightly.

Leia sniffed and pulled away from him, wiping the tears from her face. "Why are you always so damn nice to me?" she said in a soggy chuckle.

He ran the back of his hand gently across her face, wiping it dry. "Because I care about you, sweetheart," he said quietly.

She stared into his face, her gaze moving between his eyes and lips, then back again. She blushed slightly and averted her eyes. "Han, do you think…" Her voice dropped off as she pulled herself away from him.

He captured her face and gently forced her to look at him. "Do I think, what?"

She sighed. "Nothing. Never mind. I just need something to eat."

His hand and gaze remained fixed on her for several seconds before he stood. He ran his palm over her forehead, brushing her hair back. "Alright, let’s eat then."

Leia’s appetite seemed much improved and she complimented the Corellian on his cooking. "I had lots of help," he said grinning. "The woman who raised me worked as a ship’s cook." He smiled, fondly recalling the old female Wookiee who had been the closest thing to a mother he had ever had, or would ever have again. "I’m sure she thought all of those cooking lessons she gave me went in one ear and out the other," he said, winking at her.

As they ate, Leia thought of her own mother. Her memories of her early childhood were sparse and disjointed. Leia looked up at him, wishing she could remember more about her own mother. "It sounds like you really miss her." He silently nodded in agreement. "It must be nice to have those memories," she said wistfully.

He pushed his empty bowl forward and took a drink of wine. "You don’t remember your mother?" he gently asked.

She laid her napkin on the table and picked up her wineglass. "I can remember some things. I remember that she was very beautiful. She was young; and very sad." She met his gaze; his expression was filled with tenderness. It was as though he was gazing right into her very soul. Something not many people were given the chance to do.

"Leia, are you having second thoughts?"

She nervously stood up and wandered over to a nearby view port and looked out into the darkness. "Second thoughts?" she absently repeated. She cupped her hands around her face, blocking out the lights from inside and peered up at the night sky. She could see hundreds of little glowing dots of starlight.

Han stood up and silently moved behind her. He knew this might be his only chance to convince her to let him help. He stood behind her; so close she felt his breath at the back of her neck. "Anything interesting out there?" he drawled. His voice was a low whisper in her ear and she slowly dropped her arms down to her side but didn’t dare to turn around. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him. If she wouldn’t listen to reason, he’d let his body do the convincing this time. His lips found the back of her neck. She gasped as his hot, wet lips pressed against the sensitive flesh of her neck. He ran his open mouth along the length of her neck until he reached her ear. He nibbled on her earlobe and darted his tongue in her ear, causing her to moan softly. Her knees felt weak and she reached out for the wall to steady herself. He turned her around in his arms and moved her against the wall, the entire length of his body pressing firmly against hers. His lips moved back to her neck and over her collarbone and she trembled with passion. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. He moved his lips over hers, capturing her mouth in a passionate kiss. His hands moved over her waist, up her ribcage and over her breasts. He broke the kiss and nuzzled her ear. "Let me make love to you, sweetheart."

Leia’s head was spinning. He was trying to seduce her, and it was working. Disturbing images began to fill her head. She saw herself pregnant. There was a crowd gathered around her, chastising her, criticizing her poor judgement. She saw her father, Luke and general Riekan as their voices echoed in her head. "I can’t do this," she said in frustration, pushing him away.

Han put his arms out, trapping her. "You can’t, or you won’t?"

She glared at him. "Let me go!"

The muscles in his jaw tightened as his gaze moved over her face. "I’m not going to let you kill yourself!" he threatened.

"Oh really? What are you going to do, rape me?" she said bitterly. Leia was instantly sorry the second the words came out of her mouth. She knew he would never do that to her. She was going to apologize but fell silent when she saw the look on his face.

"You’re not giving me much of a choice, are you?"

The look of sheer terror on her face startled him. Was he really going to rape her? Is that what he was threatening to do? His expression softened and he lowered one of his arms. She tried to dart past him but he stopped her, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Leia, wait!" She stopped struggling and looked up at him. "I’m sorry if I frightened you. I didn’t mean what I said. You know I would never hurt you." She said nothing, her posture held stiff with fear. He sighed and released her shoulders. "But what you’re asking me to do…"

She interrupted him, "I’m not asking you to do anything!"

"Let me finish!" he demanded. "You’re asking me to do nothing and watch you die. You’re asking me to live the rest of my life, knowing that I could have prevented your death but did nothing!"

She shook her head, "No! Han, I would never blame you for this. My fate is of my own doing. You can’t allow yourself to take the blame for my death." She trembled with grief and frustration as tears began to flow down her cheeks.

He looked down at her silently, his mind torn with the knowledge of what he knew he had to do. He cupped her face in his hand and said, "but I won’t be able to live with myself if I do nothing to help you."

Leia’s heart was in her throat as she watched him turn away and disappear through the hatchway.

* * *

Han thought he was going to lose his mind. He was sure of it. Every day that went by, he watched helplessly as Leia became weaker. She said she felt fine but it was obvious she was lying. She was eating less and less, rapidly losing weight and her strength. Emotionally she was a mess. She cried if he looked at her the wrong way and it was almost too much for him to bear. Each night when he laid in bed, the same thoughts went through his mind. He could spend the rest of his life knowing that she died because he did nothing to prevent it. Although when he really thought about it, he knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. The image of him pointing a blaster at his head haunted him. Then he thought about his other choice. He could force himself on her over the next few weeks. If he made love to her every day for the next four weeks, he was sure to impregnate her. She would live, but at what price? There was a good chance he would end up damaging her emotionally; perhaps permanently. She would hate him. He would hate himself; even knowing he had saved her life. He was truly tortured and he was running out of time. He tried to reason with himself. She’s not thinking rationally. You need to make the right decision for her. You’ve tried everything else to convince her and now there’s just one option left. He threw his bedcovers off in frustration and walked into the fresher. He stood in front of the mirror, staring into his eyes. You’re talking about raping her, Solo. He splashed cold water over his face and ran his hands through his hair. He wondered if the fact that he cared about her, that he was trying to save her life made what he was about to do any less of a crime. He did care deeply for her. In fact, he was falling in love with her. How ironic, he thought. He wouldn’t be raping her. He would be making love to her in his mind. But to Leia, he would be nothing less than a monster.

* * *

With unwavering determination he headed for her cabin. His resolve hardened with every step and by the time he reached her door, his mind was filled with only one thought. He didn’t hesitate to override the lock on her door as he swiftly ran his palm over the reader. Her door silently opened and he stood motionless, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Slowly, he moved forward, his eyes focused on her sleeping form. She was fast asleep on her back, one arm drawn up near her head. He approached the side of her bed, unfastening his trousers as he came to a halt. He stepped out of his trousers and studied her. He was no longer Han Solo. Everything decent in him; everything that said this was wrong no longer existed in him. Those thoughts, beliefs and emotions were useless to him now. They were more than useless. They had almost cost Leia her life. He stood before her in the dark like some predatory creature with only one purpose.

"Han?" she hoarsely called out.

He froze, momentarily put off by the sound of her voice.

"Han, is that you?"

He was at her side instantly, holding her hand. "I’m right here, sweetheart."

The gentle glow of the auxiliary lighting was just bright enough for her to see his outline. She tried to focus on him but it was too dark. "Are you naked?" she asked with a small chuckle.

It was good to hear her laugh again and he couldn’t help but grin back at her. "Yeah, I decided wearing clothes is just a waste of time now. You’re the only one who ever sees me, anyway." He felt awful. What in the hell am I doing?

"Han, I don’t want to die," she said weakly.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried his best to keep his composure. "I don’t want you to die either."

She reached up and touched his face. "Make love to me," she quietly whispered.

Han didn’t believe his ears. "What did you say?"

"I don’t want to die Han." Her voice was filled with emotion. Please; make love to me."

It felt as if a terrible strain had been lifted from him as he moved under the covers and lay next to her, cradling her body in his arms as he kissed her. He felt her hands move to his chest, caressing him, exploring him. He let out a low moan as her untutored hands moved down his abdomen, precariously close to his groin. He broke their kiss as he pulled her nightshirt over her head and tossed it aside. His hands moved like heated silk over her abdomen and up along her ribcage. She gasped when his palms surrounded her small breasts and gently squeezed.

Leia moaned when he moved over her. It excited her and frightened her all at once. "I’ve never done this before," she said breathlessly.

He froze, his mind still reeling with the fact that he had almost raped her. She was a virgin. "Oh God, sweetheart." He hovered over her, putting most of his weight on his arms. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I’m just a little nervous."

He sighed, trying to relax and kissed her gently on the lips. "It might hurt a little the first time but I’ll try to be careful."

She silently nodded.

He felt her relax slightly but he could tell she was still nervous. Hell, he was nervous. He slowly lowered his weight over her and settled his legs between hers. He nuzzled her neck, savoring her, tasting her with his lips and tongue. He kissed her mouth roughly, passionately as her hands moved over his back and waist, exploring him.

She slipped her hands between them, running them down the length of his abdomen. He groaned softly, breaking their kiss and lifting himself off her slightly as her hands moved over his groin. Her hands grasped onto him firmly, exploring him, as a low moan escaped from his throat.

She gasped as he took one of her breasts into his mouth.

His teeth gently grazed her nipple and she began to writhe underneath him. His mind was on fire as he urgently went from one breast to the other, her body eagerly responding to his touch. He was so hard it hurt. He wanted her desperately, wanted to make love to her. His mind and body were being taken over by raw, animalistic lust. He wanted to impregnate her. He pulled himself up between her legs, forcing them to wrap around his waist.

She felt him enter her, slowly. Her flesh reluctantly stretched around him as he worked himself deeper. His progress was met with a new resistance and he knew he’d have to hurt her, if just for a second. He kissed her gently on the lips and firmly pushed into her, breaking the thin cover of skin that protected her womb.

"Oh!" she cried out in pain.

He instantly halted his movements. "I’m sorry," he whispered. "That only happens the first time. I promise it won’t hurt again."

She swallowed hard and looked into his eyes. He gently began thrusting his hips again, sinking deeper inside her.

Her breathing was ragged and heavy as her hands moved over his back. He kissed and nibbled at the sensitive skin on her neck as he slowly began to thrust in and out of her. She began to relax and with each stroke, he buried himself deeper inside her. His hand moved between them as he rubbed her in time with his strokes.

"Oh God, Han!" Her back arched and her hips thrust upward instinctively. He slipped his tongue into her mouth and she greedily returned his kiss, running her hands down his back, pulling him deeper inside her. An animalistic moan came from deep within Han’s throat as his thrusts became hard and urgent. Leia gasped and writhed beneath him as a warm, tingling sensation began to rise within her groin. His strokes were deep and frantic as he looked at her through eyes half-closed with passion. She moaned loud and gripped firmly onto his hips as an intense wave of ecstasy washed over her. He had watched her, seen her go over the edge and it was too much for him. Han’s body was racked with waves of pleasure as he thrust into her one last time and released his seed.

They both lay panting and sweating, neither one attempting to move. Han was loath to withdraw from her. Even now, spent; he didn’t want to be separated from her. He lifted his weight onto his arms and looked down at her. "Are you alright?" he asked hoarsely.

She gave him a shy smile. The dim light in the cabin had slowly gotten brighter while they had made love. She blushed, wishing the damn computer wasn’t always so timely. The lights had been programmed to simulate a standard rotation and according to the computer, it was now dawn.

"You’re beautiful, you know," he said, kissing her brow. Her face was now a bright crimson and he laughed tenderly at her. "And, you’re so easy to tease," he said grinning.

She playfully swatted at him. "Yeah, well you’re not so bad looking yourself, captain," she drawled. He moved off to her side and pulled the covers up over them. She turned to face him, resting her cheek on his chest as he wrapped his arm around her.

"That wasn’t so bad, huh?" His voice was teasing but it failed to completely disguise the worry she heard.

She propped her head up on his chest and stared into his eyes. "That was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had," she said seriously. "I don’t know how to thank you; I’m not sure if there’s any way to thank you enough."

Han swallowed hard. He wasn’t used to anyone feeling this strongly about him and frankly, it scared him a little. "Hey, sweetheart. You don’t have anything to thank me for." He gave her a small smile and added, "besides, we’re not done yet, you know. The Alliance probably won’t show up for another five weeks and that means we’ll have to keep doing this, over and over again."

Her eyes grew wide in mock horror, and then she grinned back at him. "I think I could get used to that."

He gave her a slow, lingering kiss and said, "even if it’s once a day?"

She frowned and his heart sank. He knew it. She probably found the thought of his sweaty body constantly trying to grope her repulsive.

Much to his surprise and delight, she blushed and said, "only once a day?"

He grinned at her. "You’re something else, sweetheart! First I have a hell of a time talking you into this and then all you do is want more!" he teased.

She dropped her head back down onto his chest and wrapped her arms around him. "Han?"

"Hmmm," he said, breathing in the scent of her hair.

She wanted to tell him how she felt about him. When he made love to her, it made her realized she was falling in love with him. Her experience in these types of matters was of course, limited; but she was fairly certain it would be tacky to say she loved him at this point. Besides, how many of her girlfriends had repeated the same story to her about meeting a man and falling in love with him? The sex almost always came before love, for a man. And even though she was sure about her own feelings, she couldn’t be sure of his.

He ran his hand over her forehead and the side of her face, drawing her out of her thoughts and back into reality.

"I’m a little hungry," she said.

He smiled, her returning appetite an unexpected bonus to their lovemaking. "Well then, princess," he said, scooping her up in his arms. "Let’s get you something to eat."

* * *

The days seemed to pass quickly for Leia. She couldn’t remember a time when she felt more at peace with herself. She was happy. She had given up everything in her life in exchange for life itself. And she was damned if she would give up hope for that life. She leaned her back against the warmth of Han’s chest. His shallow even breaths comforted her, reminded her of the life she hoped was growing inside her. Her cycle was off by a week now. She hadn’t yet told Han. I should have the Falcon’s computer run a medical diagnostic on me first, she thought. On the other hand, she wasn’t very familiar with the equipment. You wouldn’t want an inaccurate reading. You’d better ask him for help. What if you’re not really pregnant? Her brain wouldn’t stop nagging her. She nervously swallowed, wanting more than anything to put those negative thoughts to rest, once and for all.

The sleeping Corellian finally roused, snaking his arms around her waist. "Morning, sweetheart," he drawled.

She smiled as he kissed the back of her neck, then her ear, playfully nipping at it.

"You are insatiable," she said, turning around to face him. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

His lips formed a lopsided grin. "I plead guilty, your Highness."

"Scoundrel," she said teasingly, shaking her head. Her hand rested on his chest as her expression grew serious. "Han, I have something I want to talk to you about."

"What is it?

"I didn’t say anything before now but I think you should know."

He looked at her expectantly; still not sure if what she had to tell him was good news or bad.

"I’m a week late," she said.

It took him a few seconds to figure out what she was referring to but when he finally did, he grinned at her. "You’re pregnant!"

She shook her head. "I don’t know that for sure. I was going to have the Falcon’s computer run a medical diagnostic on me to confirm it.

"Of course you’re pregnant," he insisted. "How could you not be, after the last month?" He winked at her and she blushed. She was still not immune to his charms and thought it was likely that she never would be.

"Well, I’d still rather know for sure. Will you help me run a medical diagnostic on myself?"

His eyes were full of mischief, one corner of his mouth drawn slightly upwards. "Sure, but what’s in it for me?" he said suggestively. "For all I know, this might be the last time you let me touch you."

"That’s right," she said sweetly. "Just like the Degobah spider, I’ll have no more use for you."

The smile left his face. "You are joking, aren’t you?"

"Perhaps," she said coyly. She couldn’t keep a straight face for more than a second, however and before he had time to respond, she grinned at him. "I had you," she chuckled.

He shook his head. "Not even for a minute, sweetheart."

"Oh yes I did! I saw it in your eyes."

The smile once again faded from his lips as he gazed at her. "What do they tell you now?" he said huskily.

Leia swallowed hard. This was getting serious. She was unsure of what to do; or what to say. Was it still too soon to tell him how she really felt about him?

He kissed her slowly, sensuously. "I’m in love with you," he said hoarsely.

"So am I. I mean… I’m in love with you, too."

He smiled, breaking the tension and she smiled back at him.

His gaze focused on her lips as he pulled her close for another long kiss.

* * *

It was almost noon before they got up. Both of them were almost too nervous, too giddy to finish eating breakfast. Leia’s appetite was never that good and his was unusually poor this day. "Let’s just forget about breakfast and go run the medical scan," she pleaded.

He shook his head. "No. First you eat," he insisted.

She sighed and gave him a dubious glance. "Well, alright then. But you have to eat too."

Well, it was only fair, after all, he thought.

* * *

"What does it say?"

He shook his head in confusion. "This must be wrong. I’m going to run another diagnostic."

She sat up on the edge of the bunk. "What do you mean? Let me see the readout," she said.

He handed it to her, mumbling to himself about getting a new computer as soon as they got off this gods forsaken rock.

Leia read the report. It said she was not pregnant. Not even a trace of elevated hormones. In fact, just the opposite. Her eyes scanned further down the report until she got to a redlined value for body fat. She had lost a lot of weight - that was no revelation. Dread washed over her face as she saw just how much. She knew from her human biology studies that female humans stop ovulating if their body fat reached a low enough level.

Han was still busy fussing with the medical computer when she went to him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "You don’t have to run another scan," she said calmly.

He turned around; his gaze fixed on her downcast face. "It’s no big deal. The damn thing was probably just not set correctly," he said, trying to encourage her.

She looked up at him and the expression on her face told him what he was desperately trying to deny. "I’m not pregnant."

"How do you know?"

She handed the report back to him. "My body fat is too low. I’ve stopped ovulating."

"Permanently?" he said, confused.

She shook her head, "no. It’s not permanent. Only until the body fat goes back to a normal level," she said wearily.

"Where are you going?" he said, as she headed for the hatchway.

"I just want some time to think. I’m going to take a shower," she replied.

Han stared after her until she disappeared then he looked back down at the report in his hands. The enormity of the situation finally caught up with him. He stumbled as he moved to sit down on the bunk. His head fell into his hands as his spirit sank to the depths of a deep, dark canyon.

* * *

The Falcon seemed particularly restless that night, groaning and creaking as the wind outside stirred up a rainstorm. Leia was just as restless. When she did manage to fall asleep, it was fitful and filled with bad dreams. Han too was unable to sleep. He was about to lose the love of his life. Even though he knew rationally there was nothing he could have done to prevent today’s terrible revelation, a small part of himself wouldn’t accept that. There was something inside of him that relented; tortured him with its nagging little voice. You should have done something as soon as you found out she was sick. He thought about Luke. The kid was going to lose it when he learned about Leia. Han suddenly felt like he was personally responsible for ruining and destroying countless lives. Those of his friends, the Rebel Alliance and the person he cared most about; Leia. He tightened his arms around the sleeping Alderaanian, holding her close. He held onto her through the long suffering night, shielding her from the ominous reach of death.

* * *

The high-pitched beeping from within the Falcon’s cockpit startled them out of slumber.

"What’s going on?" Leia asked.

Han flew out of bed, hastily donning his trousers. He looked at her briefly before heading to the cockpit. "We’re getting a transmission," he said excitedly.

Leia got up and threw on a pair of trousers and replaced her nightshirt with a regular shirt then headed after him.

Han slapped the com button. "Solo."

"Han! I’ll bet you’re glad to see us," said Luke.

The Corellian grinned, "you have no idea, kid.

There was a long pause then Luke engaged the com again. "How is Leia doing?"

Han’s eyes squeezed shut as he felt Leia’s arms wrap around him from behind. "She’s…" He swallowed hard.

Luke interrupted him. "She’s got the degordee virus."

Leia moved to Han’s side and they both stared at each other blankly.

"How did you know that?" Han asked.

There was a small chuckle on the other end of the com. "Well, I’ll tell you but you’re not going to be happy about it."

They both stared at the com in anticipation.

"It was Threepio. Apparently the princess is lucky to have such a nosey droid at her service. I thought he was suffering from space delirium until I talked to General Riekan. He requested Leia’s last medical checkup from the med center, which confirmed Threepio’s suspicions. We can get her treatment started as soon as we set down."

The com went silent again as Luke realized he never got an answer about Leia’s condition from Han. "Is Leia still…"

Han grinned widely, wrapping his arms around Leia. He hugged her then activated the com.

"She’s going to be fine, kid. Now get yourself down here. And hurry!"

* * *

Han stood in the doorway to Leia’s room at the Hoth medical center. She had always insisted on being treated no differently than anyone else and for once, they had followed her wishes. She was in a semi-private room. Her roommate was asleep with a book on his chest. His attention returned back to the sleeping princess. She slept soundly, her dreams no longer haunted by the shadow of death. He quietly pulled a chair up next to her bed and sat down, unable to take his eyes off her. It had seemed like forever since he’d been able to relax. His mind reflected over the events of the past few weeks, which almost seemed dream-like now. His mind still wrestled with the fact that he had seriously considered doing something that could have scarred her for life. But here she was, alive. Not because of anything he did or did not do. Her fate had been out of his hands all along. He wondered if she had somehow always known that, at least on a subconscious level. He also wondered how she would feel about him now. He imagined that she would quickly become well and just as quickly distance herself from him. It would be back to business as usual. Her illness was kept confidential; Riekan had ordered it. As far as everyone else was concerned, she was being treated for a severe case of Casdian flu. In no time at all, she’d be back in command of the Rebel Alliance. There’d be no room for personal relationships. He knew from the day that he first met her that nothing would stand between her and the rebel cause. But that knowledge did nothing to ease the pain in his heart. He loved her. He would do anything for her; die for her, fight for her…leave for her.

Leia felt his presence even before her eyes opened. His expression was sad; defeated. The far away look in his eyes reached out to her heart, gripping it with a powerful force.

He met her gaze and for a brief moment, she saw pure joy in his eyes. Then his expression turned sober; cool. "How do you feel?" he asked.

"Just fine, now that you’re here," she said, smiling.

He avoided her eyes as he stood up. "Riekan said you’ll be out of here in a few days."

She couldn’t help but notice his dispassionate behaviour. Her heart filled with dread as she realized what was going on. He was trying to distance himself from her. But why? She thought back to that last morning they had made love. He’d told her he loved her. He had also thought she was pregnant. She dropped her gaze and stared at the floor as her mood turned melancholy.

"Well," he said in a low voice, "I should probably let you get some rest." His gaze slowly moved to her face when she remained silent.

Leia began to weep as she realized he was going to walk out that door and never come back.

Han couldn’t take it. Against his better judgment, he went to her and wrapped his arms around her.

She buried her head against his chest and her body shook; wracked with grief as her weeping intensified. "I thought you loved me," she cried out.

The man in the next bed, awakened by the commotion was now sitting upright, staring at them. He recognized Captain Solo and was taken aback when he finally identified the crying woman who clung to him. "Excuse me," he said, getting out of his bed.

Han held up his hand, "it’s alright, you don’t have to leave."

"That’s okay. That damn medical droid would’ve come after me before long anyway."

Han rested his palm on the back of her head, stroking her hair. "I do love you," he said firmly. "But we both know how things are going to turn out. You’re not going to have room in your life for anything but work."

She looked up at him. "But…"

"It’s okay. I admire you for who you are. The Alliance needs you. The fate of millions of people; hundreds of worlds, rests in your hands and I can’t…I won’t be responsible for interfering with that."

Leia was silent for several seconds. She wiped the tears off her face and looked him in the eyes. "I don’t want to lose you. If you leave me now, I might as well have died on that planet."

"Don’t say things like that. You’re not a quitter. You’re a fighter. You fought for your life, just as you’ll continue to do so; with or without me."

She looked at him with renewed courage. Her voice steadied as she said, "Promise me you won’t leave. Promise me you’ll be here when the war is over." Her voice wavered slightly as she held back her emotions. "Promise me we’ll make love again when that day comes." Tears once again began to roll down her cheeks. "Promise me all those things so that I might once again look at life through the eyes of hope."

Han choked back all the emotions that threatened to come undone inside him. He kissed her on the forehead then her cheek. "If that’s what you want, sweetheart." He gave her a kiss filled with love and hope. "I promise," he whispered.

END