Date: Wednesday
Mom,
Dan broke up with me. He said lately he hadn't been
feeling like he wanted to be around me. He said he
didn't think about me very much, which indicates
something is wrong. He said it would be better, and
healthier, if we saw other people. He said that he
had the feeling that we'd break up, then maybe,
possibly, if he realized that he'd been wrong and he
still loved me we'd get back together. He said that
he thought of his dad, who dated his mom--his only
major relationship--and then he went to college and
had doubts, and he thinks that is sort of a parallel
to himself. He said he still loves me, but he doesn't
want to see me.
I am upset about this. I've prayed about it, and I
just don't think we're not meant to be together.
(Double negative: We _are_ meant to be together.) I
can't imagine the rest of my life without him. There
isn't anyone else I could imagine myself with. I
don't want to look for anyone else. I guess I feel
I'm in sort of the same position our pastor was in
when his wife decided she wanted to see other people; I
don't like it. It's not fair; I feel like I've almost
been left hanging on a string. But I am going to wait
for him.
I'm afraid that I'm expecting too much here; that by
comparing myself to the above senario I'm placing too
much faith in Dan and our relationship. I didn't
tell you this before, but I haven't talked to Dan
for two weeks. He decided two weeks ago that he
didn't feel a peace about our relationship and wanted
to take a "fast", persay. Today was the first day I
saw him. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to
deal with trying to explain it. It was hard enough
anyway. But I just can't help thinking that we'll be
together. If that's what God wants, we will, of
course, and that's another thing: I'm positive that
*is* what God wants. Maybe I'm totally wrong; it's
possible, but I'm as sure of that as I've ever been of
anything in my life. I feel I have God's blessing on
our relationship. And based on that, I can't help but
feel that Dan is making a mistake. But I couldn't
really tell him that today, so I ended up being
sarcastic and biting, which didn't really help my
cause.
It seemed like for the past two months we'd been
getting into a lot of stupid fights about nothing.
Honestly nothing. And when I'd go over to his place,
I'd end up arguing with his roommates about nothing,
too, like what color Val Kilmer's hair was or whether
one could classify "Mexican" as a part of their
lineage. Dan never backed me up, which didn't
improve relations when we were alone. The upshot of
this is, I'm afraid that when he thinks back on our
relationship, that's all he'll see. But that's not
all there is. I thought (and still think) that it's a
phase (which sounds like I'm making excuses. But
really! Things go in phases!). And even when I was
most angry with him, I still would rather be with him
than not. Obviously he does not feel the same way.
Anyway, I'm sort of puzzled. Hurt, angry, annoyed,
sad, embarrassed, despairing, and puzzled. I feel
like he'll come around...But why did he need to *go*
around? We already went through this junk last year!
I thought it was through!
And the worst part, the part I don't want to consider:
What if he doesn't come around? What if he decides
he doesn't love me? What if, God forbid, he meets
someone else he decides he loves?
Love,
From: Me
Subject: Hi.
To: Mom
Me