This is not like anything that has happened before, and do you know why? Because I know that tone in your e-mails; I've heard it before because I've done it before. Oh, I trusted you. I trusted you like no one else. I would have laughed at the idea that you didn't love me as much, or didn't want to be around me.
One thing I have yet to decide is whether you are the emotionally inept one, running away as soon as that first spark fades, or if I am the emotionally inept one, clinging to something that had all the signs and trappings of a relationship that would fail.
...
I almost want to talk to his mother...See how she felt when Mark (his dad) broke up with her. Did she take it with a grain of salt? Did she really have a crisis? Did he do it because he was tired of her, like Dan was tired of me? Or did he do it because he honestly felt he needed to?
I have two options before me. I can sit and wait for Dan, telling people that I think eventually we'd get back together, or I can decide, right now, that that chapter of my life is complete and over with. There are pros and cons to both, though the latter option is the all-around better one. The first one is easier, though, and more pleasing to the temperment if I turn out to be right.
Dan has parts of me that no one else has. He was my first so many things. He owns so much of me I can't see what right he has to leave me. A year and a half of my life I spent dreaming, loving, thinking of him. And he's willing to put it all aside. In fact, he doesn't want to be around me. He hasn't wanted to for two months, in fact. The damn bastard kept me on a line for two months. That's my birthday, the Twila Paris concert, going home for fall break, that little episode in his room, going to Double Jeopardy. That's how long two months is. It means that a month after than breathless hug in the airport he would rather not be with me. That means that almost every Sunday, when we went to church, he was sitting there thinking that it'd all be much nicer if he didn't have to put his arm around me.
It hurts. Maybe I will turn into the ex-girlfriend from hell.
If Dan ever decides that I'm not a waste of his time again, I think I'll show this to him. Otherwise I'll keep it for my future children, whoever their father may be. I'll show it to them so they'll remember to ask whomever they're dating whether they find them worth being around. And to ask, when they're discussing wedding plans, if their significant other really believes they are the "one" before going any furthur. Apparently one must ask those questions, and often, to avoid being taken by surprise. We learn too late.
After all that we've talked about, how can he say that he never "heard" from God (persay) that I was the one? Couldn't he have mentioned this seeming anamoly?
On the other hand...What if he isn't? What is this crazy determination, this absolute mindframe I've had for the last nine months, then? Am I going to turn out like Sara? (Who, ironically enough, I could wholly sympathize with even last year?)
Lord, I'm angry, and I can feel bitterness wanting to well up in my soul like boiling water. Lord, if I'm supposed to be with Dan, I want to be worthy of Him...and if not, I don't want anything to get between us. You and me, God. Us.
Every day is pretty much worse than the next. This is day two, officially, and I'm sort of sick to my stomach from the thought being in the back of my head all the time...