Summary: A broken Slayer befriends Clem as she starts spending more and more time at Spike’s crypt after the bleach blonde flees to Africa. Then Spike returns with dire news and the Slayer’s world is turned upside down once more.

Spoilers: Set post “Grave”

Rating: PG-13

Author’s Notes: I know you’re all probably getting sick of the post “Grave” fics, but I couldn’t help myself… When I get an idea, I’ve gotta roll with it… And, by the way, I know the formatting for these things is terrible when I post ‘em. Sorry about that… I’m not good with all the HTML stuff…

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it’s going.

Feedback: You can send it to brock3005@aol.com or otownfan1520@yahoo.com.

~*~*~*~

She was shocked. There was no other way to describe it. It was certainly a good kind of shock, but it was shock pure and simple. Had he really just said what she thought he had said? A soul? Was that even possible? Had he done this for her? How had he done it? So many questions rolled through her scattered mind as she tried to fully process the words she wasn’t quite sure she’d heard correctly. What was she supposed to say to that?

His questioning look snapped her out of her stupor, and she shook her head a bit, trying her best to get over the initial shock of his words. And then, as it all sunk in, a wide smile spread across her lips. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

When she saw him smile slightly and nod, fresh tears flooded her eyes and she pulled him to her; hugging him tightly. Until that moment, she had never truly know the strength of his love for her. She knew it was real. It had always been real, and as much as she had tried to deny the fact, in the back of her mind she’d always known. Deep in her heart, she had always known that she loved him as well. Unfortunately, her admission of the fact had almost come too late. If he had stayed gone… If he hadn’t come back to her… It would have destroyed her. Life would have become meaningless. The only thing that had kept her going this long was her hope for his return.

Did he know that? Did he understand that she had loved him before this mention of a soul? Or did he believe that it was the reason for the affection she was suddenly showing? Though, she hadn’t exactly been shy up until this point... But she needed to be sure he was clear on the fact that her intentions were unconditional. Soul or no soul, she loved him and that was never going to change. What she felt for him was so different... So strong. During all of her previous relationships, she had been nothing more than a child. This was different. Her death had forced her to grow up. To face the true hardships of life… And to open her heart to the love she had so desperately denied. It had forced her to open her heart to the feelings she’d known were there ever since the day he had allowed himself to be tortured at the hands of Glory for nothing more than to protect Dawn. She loved him. He wasn’t evil and he wasn’t disgusting and certainly wasn’t a monster. She loved him. He needed to know that…

“You know it’s not just this soul, right?” she questioned quietly, pulling back slightly as her fingers gently ran through his soft blonde locks. “You know I felt this way before? I should have told you then. I know that now. I just… I was scared. Love hasn’t exactly been a strong point in my life. I was afraid of losing you. I should have told you before... I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, Pet. You have every reason to hate me. I should be the one apologizing nonstop… And I am sorry. God, Buffy, I am so sorry. What I did to you… All of it. It was just… It was unforgivable.”

There were tears in his eyes and she smiled slightly as she gently wiped them away. “It wasn’t unforgivable.” she assured him softly. “Nothing is unforgivable. Not when love is involved. And yes, what you did was horrible. I’m not going to deny that, but after what I put you through? I’m lucky you didn’t get fed up and decide to just kill me. I put you through hell, and I know that… And I’m sorry. If I hadn’t been so damn stubborn and selfish, I never would have pushed you that far.” He shook his head slightly, glancing everywhere but her face. There was a look of shame covering his handsome features. As she watched him, her fingers stroked his hair lightly, encouraging him to let go of the past... To move on. “You didn’t go through with it, Spike. You stopped yourself. You know as well as I do that it wasn’t me who stopped you. If you had really wanted to finish what you had started, you would have. You always do. We both know that. Hell, to be honest, I probably would’ve given in. But you stopped yourself…”

“That’s not enough…”

“It is enough. It’s enough for me… And I want it to be enough for you. Please, Spike. You’ve got to forgive yourself… You’re not gonna be able to move on unless you let yourself believe that you deserve this…” She was begging him now. She didn’t know what else to do. He had to know that everything was alright…

“But I don’t. I don’t deserve this… And I bloody well don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.” Her voice was firm as she locked eyes with him. “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.” Tears pooled in her hazel eyes once more as she pulled him closer to her; burying her face in his chest. She couldn’t help it… These emotions were overwhelming. She just needed to be close to him. “You’ve always been here. No matter what… Spike, I died and still you stayed. You stayed and you protected my sister and my friends… You didn’t have to do that. You could have left. You could have gone… I don’t know… somewhere, anywhere else. You could have gone to find Drusilla. But you didn’t. You stayed. For me. For my family. You didn’t have to but you did. That means the world to me… And still, I treated you like shit. I wasn’t fair to you, and still you were there.”

He was silent. She could tell he was trying his best to process what she was saying and possibly accept it… But he was having a hard time with it. It would have been easier if she’d hated him… Staked him the second he walked through the door. But she hadn’t. She had accepted him without question. That, he wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with.

She was crying now herself; clinging to him tightly as her tears rolled down her checks to soak into the material of his t-shirt. Gently, he stroked her hair; holding her close to him. She wanted so badly for him to be okay… Needed him to be okay. She prayed she could get through to him. It wasn’t going to happen all at once, though… What he had done had torn him apart.

She decided it was probably time for another subject. “How?”

He glanced down at her curiously. “What do you mean, Love?”

“The soul… How?”

“Oh… That…” He sounded a bit detached and she smiled.

“Yeah… That…” Her words were playfully sarcastic, and when he rolled his eyes, she giggled. This was good… The mood had lightened. A lot. It made things easier… Less complicated.

“Long story… I’ll tell it some other time.”

“Let me guess… Big, ugly, all powerful demon plus some kinda trial equals soulful Spike?”

“Actually it was three trials…” She glared. He laughed. “I’ll give ya the rest of the story later… Right now there’re more important things we’ve gotta deal with.”

He was suddenly serious. And he wasn’t talking about their relationship… It was something else.

“What’s wrong?”

Her look was questioning, and he wasn’t quite sure how to explain this to her… He took a deep breath, however unnecessary it may have been, as he tried his best to prepare himself for what he was about to tell her.

“Have you ever heard the expression ‘nothing comes without consequences’…?”