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I had been told that I would likely never be able to conceive again after losing James' sister Katie, so after talking things over his daddy and I decided that we would leave things in God's hands. If it was meant to be that I got pregnant again then it would be. Well, we hadn't really tried (but then again we didn't not try) and all of a sudden I thought I may be pregnant!! Sure enough three tests later I was convinced that I was Pregnant. I made an appointment with my doctor to confirm, then I told my best friend and James' daddy. The doctor confirmed it and my sweet baby's short life began.
After having lost Katie only a year and a half earlier I was very hesitant about telling anyone (even family). I did however decide to tell our families especially since my mother had been ill and I hoped the prospects of a grandchild might help her feel better.
My doctor had suggested that I go to a perinatologist in addition to my regular visits with him due to the fact that I was considered very high risk. I thought it over and decided that this would be the best way to go, so I set up an appointment. During all of this I was still numb to the fact that I was going to have another child! I tried very hard during the first few weeks not to let myself love James because I was afraid that if I allowed myself to love him it would hurt to much should anything go wrong. The first visit to the perinatologist was very encouraging! He told me about all of his successes and about some of his non-successful cases, (but the happy endings out weighed the non-happy endings). Then it happened, the visit we all wait for, via a vaginal ultra sound I saw my baby's heart beating!! It was strong and appeared to be very healthy. My hopes soared and I allowed myself to fall in love with my child!!!
The next few weeks were uneventful. I had horrible morning sickness, which I was told was a good sign. Then the next big milestone, we heard his heartbeat!!! Again it was a beautiful sound, strong and healthy. Then shortly after that great day everything started to fall apart.
Over the next few weeks I had problems with my hormones again just like with Katie, and I had some mild cramping and spotting (but not at the same time). The doctors were able to adjust my hormones somewhat and they kept telling me as long as there was a good strong heartbeat we were good. At this point in time I was seeing both my regular ob/gyn and the perinatologist. I was still allowing myself to love my son and to build hopes and dreams for him until the day my world started to crash.
I went for a check up (I was going twice a week at this point), and the doctor could not find a heartbeat! He told me not to be concerned that it may only be the baby's position. So he ordered an ultrasound. This was encouraging because my sweet James was growing! He was right on target as to were he should be, so the doctor told me to come back the next day to try and find the heartbeat. This went on for the next two days, then on the third day they found his heartbeat again!! It was weak but it was there! So I was told to go home and relax things looked like they would be OK. Next thing I was scheduled for was an amneo.
I was scheduled to go for my amnio on Friday, August 17th. I had decided not to go through with it at this time however because I had an uneasy feeling about it and because someone I knew had an amnio the day before and was at that time fighting to keep her baby (thankfully for her everything turned out all right). When I went in to talk to the doctor about my choice of not doing it he was respectful and said that I had about two to three weeks to change my mind, if I decided to go ahead with it. I said find that we would talk it over and let him know. While I was there though he decided to do a full exam. He found my cervix was getting very soft and we had talking about stitching after the first trimester if needed so we began to talk about that again while he finished the exam. Then it was time to check the heartbeat. Again, there was no heartbeat, at first we were not overly concerned because James had been stubborn about letting us hear his heartbeat, unless he wanted us to hear it. Then the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. When he turned the screen away from us I knew that my baby was gone. I had lived through the same exact thing a year and a half earlier with Katie. When he was done and I was dressed the doctor told us our baby was dead.
I now had to once again decide what to do. My doctor said he could "terminate" the pregnancy or I could wait to miscarry naturally. We chose the later. I started with cramps and spotting Sunday night but by Monday morning they had stopped. I went on with things as if nothing were wrong. The only thing I did which I usually don't do was I went to visit Katie's grave midweek, I asked her to please be waiting for her brother when he arrived to be with her and I asked her to take care of him for us.
Katie's baby brother James Ryan went home to heaven to join her on Wednesday, August 22, 2001, his Daddy's 37th birthday. |
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